Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Fear, what's that?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...719#Post2303719

I think that my biggest fear right now is that a divorce will happen. Most days I am ok with it. My w actually told me that she thinks a divorce will bring some closure for her. Maybe it will. I know for myself that my feelings will not change because we are divorced.

My w says she wasn't happy in our marriage. I accept my part in that. So we seperate, and she still is not happy. I don't believe I am responsible for her continued unhappiness. And, like I said above I don't believe the next step will change anything either.

We continue to get along very well, and she told me that she really likes telling me about the funny and silly things that happen with the kids. I have been working on listening and asking questions that keep her talking. She also shares about how her day went, mostly work related things. I use those oppurtunities to work on validating. As far as her personal life, she is a tough nut to crack. I will continue to ask about her friends, as that was one of her complaints. She says that I didn't care about them, or want to listen to her when she spoke of them. I won't lie, I was to caught up in my own life to want to hear about theirs. And now that I don't hear about them, I miss them. So asking about them is out of sincere interest.

I have also always feared being in charge of a large job at work. Well no choice but to face that fear, as I am in charge of a year long project, that is the biggest of my career. Time to shine.

Your topic caught my eye. I've recently been through a lot of soul searching regarding my fears so will ask you similar questions that I was asked.

What is your real fear with D?

What is your real fear of big job?

What other fears do you have (root cause, not afraid of snakes )?

What will happen if the outcome of your fears are actually met?

Do your fears of these potential outcomes hold you back from being your best?

My fear with d is that there will be no chance after to r. I now that isn't true though. I have said it before, a piece of paper does not dictate my feelings. I think it may have been Cadet that said this, divorce=space. Maybe that is what has to happen. Who knows, I will wake up the next day regardless. I will continue to grow and improve myself.

Big jobs scare me because I think I will lose money on them and in turn lose my job. Same as above. I will wake the next day and find another company to work for.

I think my fears of these potential outcomes actually drive me to do the best I can.

I think I am also afraid that I would never be able to move on. Never love someone as deeply as I love my wife. And not because I am afraid that I risk going through this again. But because there will always be part of me that wants to share my life with her. And I would not be able to completly give myself to someone. Kind of like those people that always seem to be looking past you when you are talking to them. Again only time will tell if this fear is real.

"Again only time will tell if this fear is real."

Fear is real. Fear is something you can never get rid of. It's understanding that fear, acknowledging it and moving past it that will get you moving forward.

Eyesopen: man do I get it. I am in the same boat. I am scared to death that I will never be able to love someone else like I love my W. The fear is so real. I also think it is the fear of the unknown. The fear of the pain that I know I will be in when it is officially over. Keep your head up. They say time heals all wounds. We shall see.

hi, eyes,
Your thread title also caught my attention. I can relate to all your fears. Someone posted on my thread about how "you may think you will always love your H, but if love is not reciprocated after while it will diminish to a memory not a feeling."

Part of me hopes this is true b/c then we can truly be open to giving our hearts to someone new. It's hard to believe that can happen but I have heard LOTS of stories (from people I know) about how love "the second time around" was so much sweeter b/c they realized how precious it was & not to take it for granted.

If D does happen I hope this is true for everyone here who goes through it!

Well said Bond. I think I will print this out and tape it to my mirror to read everyday.

Grizz, I don't think that having the legal bond officially done will change anything as far as feelings go. I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me I loved my wife in the first place. So I guess I shouldn't be afraid of it.

GTO, I hear what you are saying. I don't think I am afraid of loving someone like I love my wife. I just wonder if there will always be a part of me that I can't give to someone else.

My fear is the same! That I will have a part of me that always will live him & it will somehow deminish the next R. Ah, fear. But I don't have to let it paralyze me,

Some journaling and a question. I have a bit of a head cold and the kids are away for the weekend. Didn't feel like doing much last night and my normal climbing friends were busy, but I decided to go to the climbing gym alone. A bit out of my comfort zone.

I noticed a lady by herself and decided to ask if she needed a climbing partner. Again out of my comfort zone. I am so glad I did. We climbed for about 3 hours and had a great time. I did my best to keep the focus on her. It was great practice on listening. Going out tonight with some friends and a bunch of other people I don't know. Sounds like mostly women, more practice time. I think it makes it easier to interact when I know I am not ready to jump into another R, and I just want to learn how to listen and support.

My question has to do with comments my w had made. We were talking about custody agreement and the money that goes along with it. It seems she thinks I am more concerned about the money that I have to pay her, and I think she is trying to get more than she should. She expressed concern that she stays home and plays games with the kids, while I am out with the kids doing things that cost money. I do take them climbing and things that do cost money, not anything expensive. She has also commented how I always am working and spending money on the house.

Is this normal jealousy of GAL activities, or something that is a general concern and a potential 180? I really enjoy those things and I will not stop climbing with my friends. I could easily have just as much fun staying home with the kids as well.

Fear is a nasty thing. It can make you miserable and bitter. I feared losing my job for years before BD thanks to this crappy economy we've all been mired in. But yet I still have the same job, 11 years now. And my boss loves me. You know what I never once feared? My marriage falling apart. So there I was, eaten up by fear over something that wasn't an issue while having not a care in the world about something else that was falling apart.

I thought long and hard about my history of fear and you know what I realized? All of the things I've always feared in life have NEVER come to pass. Yet all the bad things in my life were things I never saw coming.

And that led me to the place I am now, which is acceptance. I don't lay awake at night any more worrying about things, and if I start to have even the slightest inkling of a fear then I remind myself that the things I fear have never, ever happened and that actually gives me comfort, because the very fact that I might be afraid of something gives me reason to think it'll never happen, LOL!