Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help/Advice needed please...

Intact,

When your son shares his fears and feelings with you, you need to validate them.

When we sat our D's down and talked to them, we told them that in the course of a marriage because of frustrations and unhappiness sometimes parents separate and divorce. It isn't any one person's fault and that both their Dad and I were to blame. That they had no fault in it at all and they were the best of our accomplishments and how very much we loved them.

My D's know that I love thier Dad. It doesn't mean we can be husband and wife though.

I used the movie "Lilo and Stitch" to help talk about the difference in our family with D's.

I know there are others here that can help you with their experiences too.

HUGS

I do validate his feelings I just find it so difficult - I'm the only one he speaks too so I have to deal with all of this whilst my W is apparently having the time of her life.

I realise the things I got wrong in our marriage and I own up to them but I can simply never understand why someone would do this to a family rather than work on things. I'm just so angry at the moment. Angry that I can't reason with her and so so angry she could do this too our son.

She keeps telling me she's not happy, what on earth does she think will make her happy?

First of all..

Even if she did hear it from him, it wouldn't matter to her right now.

Secondly...

His fears over what is happening are very real.

It IS a possibility that those things are true.

No matter what people say, children are very perceptive to their surroundings, and pick up on the emotion being played out by the authority figure that they are with.

Most WAS are very adept at pointing out that "kids are resilient" and in truth ?

Kids are more prone to being resilient, yet they aren't naturally. They pick up on the vibe of the room, and they learn resiliency from responsible, resilient adults.

I would assume that the fears that he has, are along the same fears that you have as well....

Has he seen those from you ???

Maybe he has, maybe he hasn't..

More importantly, what are you showing him differently than that fear ?

How are you showing him that although he may be correct, it doesn't mean that he will not have a fulfilled childhood ???

Children need that rock in their life, that can show them that no matter what life hands them, that they can conquer the world.

Look, this sukcs, yet it only sukcs as much as you let it sukc.



When our Son looked at me and asked me similar questions as your Son asked you...

I told him that it wasn't about whether or not Mom loved me, and that I couldn't answer that for her. It was about how much we loved her. And that we wanted her to be happy, even if that meant that she lived elsewhere. And maybe that meant that we wouldn't always be together physically, yet every time that we do something, whether she is there, or not there. She will be with us in our hearts. That the same would be true for when I wasn't with them. That I would be in his heart, right beside him.

That I wanted Mom to be happy, even if that meant that she had a different life, maybe with someone else, and that I loved her enough to let her go, and find that out. That loving someone through the rough times, makes it easier for loving them during the good times.

And that, is what matters the most...

Is the love that we have for her....

Mach said it better than me but right now your son has to be your number one priority. Trust me I understand your anger. My W was so cold to our kids when we told them I was shocked. She left house within 15 minutes of telling them and D7 was still crying her eyes out. I had to suck it up and clean up the mess. Held both kids for well over an hour as D7 cried and they both asked hard questions because they were so confused, their world was just taken from them and their mom acted like she could care less. I never said a bad thing about my W and continue to build her up in front of kids. No matter how bad I'm hurting I won't show my kids. I am their rock right now and you know what, we've become even closer through this and our bond is stronger than ever. Neither kid is afraid to ask me anything and they know I will answer their questions. Just as important is the kids still have a good R with their mom and haven't brought up anything negative in a long time.

I'm from a D'd home and when I was little I had no one to ask questions to or that made me feel safe and I still remember those feelings. No matter how angry or hurt you are, don't let your son have those kinds of feelings.

She may not be happy and probably has no idea what will make her that way. IMO that's because she is looking for some external thing or event that will make her that way instead of realizing it comes from the inside.

And yes, you may be stuck cleaning up the emotional messes for a long time. There was a point in time where I was really angry about that too. What I came to understand is that deep bonds are forged in the bad and ugly messes that come up. Those moments will be lost to her.

My D's are starting to build a better (at least different) R with their Dad (it's been 5 years since he moved out). Growing up and counseling (for the youngest 17)has helped. Mostly they tell me it is still pretty superficial. H went to C with D17 for the first time last week. My hope is that my D's have whatever R they want to have with him.

I know you are angry. Time and introspection (perhaps meditation?) willl help. So do those workouts at the gym.

Mach is pretty awesome. I would search his posts and if they work for you....take them to heart.

Hang in there.

HUGS

I think you're right Grace. It's always the way that the happiest people are those that have worked for it. I honestly don't believe she will ever be 100% happy because if the way our family is now.

I do workouts at the gym as one of my 180s - I'm in the best shape I have been for years - and you're right it does help.

I really appreciate all of the advice, comments and feedback I get on here - really don't know where I'd be without it.

My W is coming over later today to talk about our Son - who is struggling - I always find it especially difficult to not turn these conversations into "why don't you come back and work on things" conversations - but I know that's pressure.

I'll journal later and let everyone (vent) know how it went...

x

I'm not sure how you guys are with communicating about this stuff but from my sitch this did not go well at all. It actually went as bad as it probably could have so tread carefully. My kids were only talking with me (still are I guess) and I was trying to keep my W in the loop when something was asked. Since they weren't asking her any questions and her mind was completely around kids are resilient, they'll be fine, they don't even notice, blah, blah, blah that she didn't accept that they were having any issues. It all blew up when my S4's school pulled me aside to discuss a discipline issue and them asking if anything was going on because his attitude changed so I told W what they said. Before this he was a model student with no issue and more the leader of his class (thankfully he's back there now). She went completely off on me for everything (pretty sure I caused cancer and world hunger by the time she was done. She even blamed me for any issue they might have because of D. She said I was probably the one bringing it up to them to make them sad, I made them talk about it, I filled their head with crap, and I was probably talking bad about her. That was all completely false and I tried to explain these conversations weren't fun or easy so nothing I wanted to do but she would not listen to the truth. My guess is she knows it's hurting kids but doesn't want to deal with it because it makes leaving harder so getting mad at me is easier. I hate it but I decided to just deal with things myself for now and not even tell her unless something huge happens. I don't feel this is right but I don't think she's at a place yet to have these conversations. Not saying this will happen to you but just be a little careful with your words.



So don't do it. If you even think about it picture a clown with a 2x4 getting ready to crack you in the head. Not real sure why I picked clown, anyone with a 2x4 should work

I like the clown idea as long as you aren't coulrophobic.

I used to wear a really thick rubber band on my wrist and when my thoughts (mouth or actions) were taking me someplace I didn't want to go, I would snap that thing really hard. Nice way to modify behavior.

The other technique I used was to write down bullet points of what I wanted to share and listen to any feedback that was offered (in my case that wasn't much). If I found myself slipping, I would say that I wanted to think about what was said and I'd get back to him. I'm what I would call a back burner thinker anyway, so it worked for me.

You don't have to have an answer for anything "right now". It's always ok to say "I'll get back to you on that" or in the case of slippage, to say "I'm working on that".

Take care.

HUGS

Well it was very odd. I went through all of the issues and my Wife sobbed and told me she hated what it's doing to our Son, but that wasn't enough of a reason to start trying to repair our marriage.

She told me that she needed to feel something to suggest it was the right thing for the 2 of us - with our son out of the equation.

I told her I understood how she felt. She also stated that I am a very different man to the one she left.

She did say that she would call her lawyer today and hold off on the divorce proceedings.

Interestingly, she told me that she was desperate for some feeling or conviction to want to try again but it just wasn't there yet.

I feel like I've been thrown straight back into limbo - but am happier regarding the divorce. Not sure what to think of it all now in all honesty...

I should note that she also told me "not to get my hopes up"