xSO called last night. We talked for about an hour. Mainly about family, work and the weather. He is working on a project and I was encouraging and for the most part, thought I did pretty well encouraging and validating. He thanked me again for "one of the funniest Christmas cards ever", I joked that I liked his too, oh wait I did not get one. He called himself an a$$ but I just laughed and said my nose was not out of joint (which was true, actually) BUT...
The conversation was really so benign at first, I was sooooo unprepared to hear: an apology.
I do not even remember the exact words, but he said something about being sorry. I asked what for? (Really never thought he was referring to me) and he said, "I am sorry because I know I caused you a lot of pain."
I replied, "You did" Silence. Then I said, "I am sorry, I really do not know what to say to that." He said he was the one who was sorry and changed the subject.
Did I mention how unprepared for that I was? And I really, really think that I blew something here! I thought about calling back later and saying thank you for your apology and acknowledging it. But I did not know if it would be too late.
ARGH! Sometimes I wish I had the script ahead of time then I would always know what to say! I would really like to hear better ways of handling this if (big IF) it ever comes up again. Even if this is guilt talking, I still would have liked to have done better - been "safer" or more understanding. I managed to choke back angry words but I do wish I handled it better.
Now that we appear to be in more regular contact, I better start brushing up on the communication skills. Sometimes no contact is easier, I think!
After that exchange, he said that he be thinking of that all night.
We went on to talk of other things - no mention of OW at all.
Would very much appreciate some input here. Thanks!
I also saw your reply to Heather and I with regard to the OW. And what you say makes sense. I never thought that they might be embarrassed that things did not work out.
I did not assume that once they broke up, that I would be the automatic next choice but I did know that I would be easier if I knew they were no longer together. Of course, even xSO said that if it did not work out with this one, there would be someone else.
Interesting, all the same. Still, I would not ming knowing the "truth" of their relationship. But I know that I will not get it from him!
It was unexpected, and your response tells him that, and I like to think that means something as they peek out of the tunnel.
I responded pretty much the same when my W apologized last May or so...my jaw was dragging on the floor. You can't prepare for everything (much to my consternation), and maybe sometimes that unprepared, real, response is for the best.
You just got some nice validation, enjoy it for what it is, keep expectations = 0.
Hang in there!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Portia, You did just fine w/the conversation. Don't worry about it. He actually caught you off guard and I have a feeling he had a moment of clarity and realized that you may be distancing yourself from him. He knows that he hurt you and I'm very glad to see that he has apologized.
I'm w/T on the fact that you did get some nice validation...enjoy it, but keep the expectations at zero.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
T^2 and Snodderly, thank you both for your thoughts and encouragement!
I have gone into "DB mode" (avoiding anything emotional or relationship related) so thoroughly that it never occurred to me that I may be hearing some things that indicate that he is at least thinking about what he has done - so I have been unprepared the last two times that personal stuff has come up. Thank you for saying I did OK. I about fell over when I heard it. I just felt that I somehow missed an opportunity to get him to open up a bit more.
That it may have been "a peek out" of the tunnel is great!
This is now the second time he has caught me off guard with something he has said. I, too, was wondering if the fact that he was feeling the distance I was creating between us was affecting him. I truly believe he thought he, I and whatever GF he had would go skipping off into the sunset together and that did not happen.
Thank you as well for reminding me to keep my expectations at zero. I am doing my best to do that and stay the course. The strange thing is that although it is nice to be validated, I didn't really need it. Even if he never admitted it, I knew this was something that he would eventually feel. Our connection was strong. I think I will be much more impressed with "I want to try again" but I am thinking that may take awhile, if we ever get there at all. Goodness knows, there are so many issues between here and there.
He called last night but I was not home to take the call. No message, though. I have not attempted to contact him in return.
So, steady as she goes! Do I bring up the apology or do I just leave it alone until/if he ever brings it up again? I am assuming that I leave it alone. The funny thing is that I do not know if I am ready for those heavy conversations.
Portia, Do not bring up the apology again. Just listen and validate. Right now, you have more important things on your plate than to worry about him. Keep the focus on you and your family member.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That conversation of ours has been on my mind. When I re-read my above post, I noticed there was an important thing I did not mention. He has said that he was looking into attempting counselling through a work program.
Is it strange to have a fear of this? I have read so much about validating counsellors that all the counsellor will say is, look man, she is far away and you are not married - why feel guilty and why would you want her when there is someone else right here? Make yourself happy!
I know there is nothing in my control here but we have made some very miniscule steps and I would hate for some stranger to encourage him to apologize for hurting me and then drop it and move on from someone he is not "in love" with. Or, I just had the most awful thought - what if that is already happened? I got my "twelve step apology"?
In the end, I encouraged him to go if he felt it would help him and that he could always not continue if he felt it was not helping. But how I dread what advice he is going to get!
Just feeling very alone and ganged up on right now.
Portia, When he mentioned counseling through a work program, is he specifially stating a counselor that is on the job? He may need to talk to someone about his situation and try to work things through. Do you recall if he's having any issues at work?
Try not to worry about this...it's out of your control and if he's willing to see someone, then he must have something on his mind that he needs to work through.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I believe that it is personal counselling through his benefits package at work - a company that has been contracted to handle these sorts of things.
He is not having any issues at work (except for trying to find the time to see OW) although since this MLC started he has been very concentrated on money and working as much as he can, according to him.
I am feeling very anxious today, more than I have in a long time. I feel my world is suddenly all out of my control and that is not where I would like to be. I cannot control what is happening to my parent although I am enjoying the time we have left. But despite the small positives, I just feel like the only way I can control this situation is to tell him that I simply cannot do this anymore - I no longer want to wonder at all if he will call or contact me. I feel as if I can say my goodbyes, that I will have closure to the situation and I can move forward from there.
My life without him in it.
And then I remind myself that these things take time. I have read over and over that the longer a partner can live with the limbo, the greater the chances of a stronger, better relationship. But it is all a maybe. Maybe he is moving on with his life and has no intention of changing his mind about me. I am not what he wants.
I do still love him and wish him the best but the ground underneath my feet is shaking, shaking with nothing solid to hold on to and I feel stupid for holding out hope, like it is toxic.
The apology just felt like a child's who then expects everything to be OK. And worse, he may have apologized, but he is not doing anything different.
Sorry, I think I must sound like a crackpot today.
Portia, You do not sound like a crackpot. You sound like someone who is watching a parent slipping away and there's nothing you can do about it except be there w/the parent and give the parent all of the love and support that he/she needs right now. You are in a very difficult position right now.
As for your friend, I wouldn't say anything to him until you are on more emotionally stable ground. You are thinking entirely too much about the situation and truth be told, it may all change once you are able to focus more on your own life. You've given him and the ow far too much space in your head and they aren't even paying rent. Right now, your focus needs to be on your parent.
I seriously doubt that the counselor through his work is going to advise him what to do w/his life. This person will listen and allow him to talk, but they won't tell him what to do or not do. The counselors through my work were basically there to listen and offer support, but an employee just went in for an hour and would bounce things off of them. I tried it once after my xh left, and I came out feeling like "if I want to hear myself talk, I can do that on my own time and not tie up an hour from work".
Yes, their apologies are like children's apologies. Once they are said, they forget about them becasue they think everything should then be swept under the rug and forgotten. You are seeing more and more how his behavior is and it's not going to get any better for a long time.
Please take care of yourself and keep your focus on what is important right now...supporting your family member.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
