I'm leaning towards using this tactic. Would I be ruining any slim chance of reconciliation with this course of action? Or would she respect me standing up for myself at some level?
You have to do what you feel is right, but personally my feeling is that anything that can be done to postpone the divorce is worth it. Why? Because studies show that the number one reason divorces are busted is because the couple OUTLASTED the problems. Here's a blurb from a report on this:
Quote:
Marital Turnarounds: How Do Unhappy Marriages Get Happier?
To follow up on the dramatic findings that two-thirds of unhappy marriages had become happy five years later, the researchers also conducted focus group interviews with 55 formerly unhappy husbands and wives who had turned their marriages around. They found that many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.
Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses' stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings: the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal happiness ethic.
In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity.
In the marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved, the marriage got happier. Strategies for improving marriages mentioned by spouses ranged from arranging dates or other ways to more time together, enlisting the help and advice of relatives or in-laws, to consulting clergy or secular counselors, to threatening divorce and consulting divorce attorneys.
Finally, in the personal happiness epic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.
Basically what the article is saying is if people just stubbornly refuse to get divorced, even if they do NOTHING they will usually find themselves happily married again down the road. So the lesson I take away from this is the old adage "time heals all wounds" applies to hurting marriages as well.
Thanks AnotherStander. Good article which gives me quite a bit to think about.
I was going to try and respect her 90 day wish (assuming she was willing to give something up in return). But now I am wondering if I should just shut down all discussions and do nothing until I absolutely have to.
Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. I'm really don't know what to do next.
Any opinions on the above would be greatly appreciated.
Also, how would dragging out the divorce work with the LRT? Would refusing to divorce be a form of pursuing? I have been playing it cool and GALing. It would seem that if I stated I did not want to divorce right away that it would make it evident I'm not ready to move on with my own life.
I think I may set up a session with a DB coach to discuss, but any thoughts would be appreciated.
Hi everyone. I posted something similar on a another thread a while back, but this seems like a better place to continue the discussion.
I spoke with my lawyer yesterday. In my state I have two years to settle this divorce and make it final if I don't want the divorce. But my W wants to have everything negotiated and final in 90 days. My lawyer said I can use her wishes to my advantage in negotiations. Basically tell my W that I don't want the divorce (which is true), but offer her a settlement which is very favourable to me if she really wants it in 90 days. I don't really feel immoral doing this as it truly is my wish to wait two years and see if she has a change of heart.
I'm leaning towards using this tactic. Would I be ruining any slim chance of reconciliation with this course of action? Or would she respect me standing up for myself at some level?
Basically it's this. Single people think that being single is the best way to be and have no respect for marriage. If the single world has convinced your spouse that it's a better way to be, or that your spouse got into an affair with someone and built up all the oxytocin and time and new experiences with the new person it's going to be nearly impossible to get them to see it another way.
Perhaps a betrayal or scandal into the world that they are entering away from you may get them to come back home, but even them many people have convinced themself that what they were chasing was better or will have guilt in returning, knowing they made a mistake so they continue on the path the started for themself even if it's wrong.
It's why DB'ing is so difficult and there still is no guarantee.
There is one thing for sure. There are things you say and do that affect someones psychology and some of this stuff isn't nice.
Hi Guys, just bumping this up as I have not had any responses to my question on 1/29 at 2:30. Should I tell her I want a longer separation? If so, what should I tell her my reasoning is?
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I need to make a decision ASAP.
Hi Guys, just bumping this up as I have not had any responses to my question on 1/29 at 2:30. Should I tell her I want a longer separation? If so, what should I tell her my reasoning is?
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I need to make a decision ASAP.
What was the 90 day deadline? Was it going to be a 90 day S and then D? My suggestion would be to just not bring it up at all unless she does.
Thanks. Yes, 90 days S and then D. I can legally have a two year separation though. She has brought up why I have not responede to the D papers and I told her I am still weighing my options. At some point I will need to make it clear that I don't want the D in 90 days. All hell will probably break loose at that time, but why shouldn't I have more than 90 days after 15 years together? I guess I will deal with it when the time comes.
Thanks. Yes, 90 days S and then D. I can legally have a two year separation though. She has brought up why I have not responede to the D papers and I told her I am still weighing my options. At some point I will need to make it clear that I don't want the D in 90 days. All hell will probably break loose at that time, but why shouldn't I have more than 90 days after 15 years together? I guess I will deal with it when the time comes.
That's a tough one to be sure. I guess my question is do you think you will gain anything by postponing the D? Or is it just going to make things uglier between you and W?
