CV, I can understand your H wanting to go to the funeral, even after not seeing them for 20 years. I still love my H and I think I probably always will. I think the way I love him will change and may have already begun to, but I think he will always have a special place in my heart. I don't see how I will ever not love him, unless I try to rewrite history, which I don't want to do. That would be lying to myself. I love my IL's, they were my family too for 13 years. It hurts that things won't be the same. I know we will most likely drift apart over the years but they will always have a place in my heart too. I think your taking it as your H choosing them over you but I don't see it like that. It's a funeral for somebody he once cared about deeply.
My H does remember most of those examples. He remembers about the note at lunch. He told me the only reason he did that was because his friends laughed at him and he was embarrassed. The thing was, he went off. He yelled, he swore and I felt like I'd done something terrible. So I didn't do it again, he all but told me not too. He didn't come and tell me what happened and how it made him feel. He lost his [censored] instead. Why would I continue to do it? Why would I think he wanted me to do it.
There are some examples he didn't remember. I found a lost ring that H gave me when we were dating, he tried to tell me he didn't give it to me, that it must have been someone else. It was him, I didn't take it off for years. It seems he has "forgotten" anything good or anything bad he did from our dating years, from our early years of marriage. Basically he only remembers the bad things I did from our first maybe 8 years together. The good, happy parts are gone from his memory, a lot of the bad he did is gone, too. He does have a few good memories I think and some of the bad he did. He gave me a teddy for valentines day when we had not long been dating. I slept with it every night for years, until H told me how childish I was for it. He says he never gave it to me, someone else must have.
Just last month he was asking me if he could borrow a tent. The tent had been destroyed a year before during a camping trip. We left it there, in the bin in pieces. When I reminded him, he sounded very surprised and shocked as he remembered, followed by a long silence. It seems he is already beginning to " forget" our last year together. All the lies he told other people, the my wife is such a bit*h thing, has turned in to his reality. I think it started after I had S8. I put on weight and H was embarrassed of me. I put on a lot of weight, I didn't have a tan and was a SAHM. He was embarrassed and told someone his date fell through, so he came to me instead. Thus, the beginning of rewriting history. He felt he needed to find reasons why he got "stuck" with me and he begun to believe it.
I didn't see these things clearly before, I think I choose not to think about it. People really can be so complicated, I really thought I knew my H so well. I now don't think I did, not in the ways that truly mattered anyway. Maybe try to take a step back and sit quietly. You might be surprised at what you found.
Do you know the reasons your H's ex left him? Maybe he was too clingy and too involved? Maybe he brought his baggage to your R? Maybe he is so scared if he gets too involved you might leave? He may be so stuck on that, that he is blind to see that, this way is much more damaging.
I really do belivev that sometimes we get so wrapped up in our troubles, we fail to see the bigger picture. I do know now, that there comes a point where the only thing left you can do is save yourself. That's why I can now begin to understand how H could leave. To me, he didn't try in the ways I would have, the ways I believe could have helped, that's probably why I missed him trying. It was a different way, than I would have used. I missed the signs, I missed his cries for help. That doesn't make me right and him wrong. It comes down to basic human differences.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
SS, I'll respond more to your post later, but I'm not sure your future H is going to want to be reminded how much you still love your exH. I believe we have to do some things out of respect for the feelings of our spouse, even over our own own preferences. Not everything, of course, but I think that's one thing.
i hope you don't think i was talking about any funeral things? i didn't read about that.
i just meant in general. you want a kind of love and honesty he can't seem to give, that's all. i just wondered who changed in your relationship because you must have been in love with him once.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I guess what befuddles me, CV, is that you are able to sit there in the middle of the indifference. How? Am I just weak? I can't do it. I try like heck, but all that seems to happen is that my mental state erodes more and more. I got a job here in TN because it was offered and the advice I got was to get myself set financially. However, my mental state continues to deteriorate because I am still subjected to the nonsense going around me. I am so confused but it seems to me the advice to stay here for financial reasons might be bad advice.
So... he wants to go to counseling. He told me on the phone yesterday, "it sounds like we are just too sensitive to be around each other and we should part ways." He talked to me last night for awhile and he says we need to keep trying and go to counseling. I seriously need a ticker to keep up on it all. If there were any consistency whatsoever I sure would know what to do. And I guess I'm driven by guilt which isn't very good either. Wish he would feel guilty about his own actions. But the only time he seems to pay attention to me is when it suits him. And that just sounds like a bad arrangement to me.
just read about your H and the FIL funeral. my circumstances are different because i'm me and you're you. my H is not your H. my XH, my son's father, died back in 2008. we had been married for 10 years, together for 13.
he was married to someone when i invited him to my town to start a business together with me and my current H (now X). he had been having problems at his job and was being treated disrespectfully and it broke my heart. i wanted to help him. he was always a kind man but we grew apart. we got married when i was 21, way too young i now know.
anyway, he and his wife ended up coming to my town, living with me and my H for six months, and starting a business together, as partners.
the business failed (of course), mostly because my H, at the time, was a lazy, no-good bum! LOL!
but, anyway, when he died, i drove to where he lived (800 miles) with my current H and spoke at the funeral about what a good man he was. i comforted his widow and saw a lot of my former in-laws and friends that i used to know.
if my current H wanted to do that for his kids' mother, if she died, i would not have a problem with it. i did it for my XH and for my son. he can do it for his.
i always believe that once you love someone, there's a part of your heart that they have. i can always think good thoughts about them, even my bum 2nd H!
but, as i said, that's me. everyone's different and entitled to how they feel about things. and your H should respect your feelings because he's married to you now.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
It's all good CV, I don't think I would particularly like it, however I would hope I understood. It wasent about his XW, it was about the death of his former IL. It's okay SS, I quite often get confused too, then realize that they are responding to you, not me lol
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
CV, you and your H are so mismatched. What drew you to him originally and made you love him? Has he changed that much or just you? Or both?
For him, I had a lot to offer. He was a D'd man with 4 children, struggling financially. I was cute, financially set, and had no kids, whereas most of his other prospects had children. (I've since developed an opinion that D'd people with children should only reM other people that have children.) He was overwhelmed and dazed by D life and joint parenting. I knew him for years before his D, watched him go through it, knew he was devastated by it and just wanted to be M'd again. I was a "rescuer" and he needed rescuing. I found him very outgoing and charming. He seemed funny. He was always doing something for someone (aka. "Mr. Acts of Service") Honestly, I have to admit that *I* changed. The first time I said "I love you" and he responded with "I'm growing very fond of you, too," I thought it was funny. Fifty times later, I found it hurtful and asked him to stop. A hundred times later, I stopped saying "I love you." So the answer is *me*. *I* changed. We *are* very mis-matched, but he wasn't honest with me before we M'd. I don't think he's even honest with himself. So I guess in that sense, *he* changed, too, because he ended up being nothing like the package he sold me.
