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Okay, so I'm having a rough night. Reflecting on difficult things H said to me and that have happened since BD. I can't seem to get my mind off these things tonight.

I feel like I'll never get over H. We've been together 20 years. Most of my adult life. And his. I don't WANT to start over. I don't want to give up what we had. I can't let go.

Yet I know I need to.

Luckily most nights are not like tonight for me now. But, tonight is. And, part of it is my sadness for boys. S11 was having a sad night and needed lots of hugs and me to put him to bed 3 times then sit next to his bed to help him settle down.

S13 wanted me to sit next to his bed and hold his hand too. This has happened several times recently.

It makes me sad for them. For me. They need me. And I need them. But, they need their dad too. And, he is making an effort to them every day and interacting w them when he sees them (rather than just sitting on the couch and shutting out the world like he had been for the past year before he moved out).

I know this night will pass and I will probably be in a better place tomorrow, but it just sux after 8 months I can still feel so heartbroken and so "at the beginning."

COuld use some words of encouragement and advice how to get through times like this...I just wonder why I'm the one so "broken" now when I thought H was.

Sorry for my pity party.

Hmmm, was in same place yesterday for a while. I just let it ride for a bit, went for a run, exercise helps.

Get out of house for sure, that always helps.

I think you will find that the Tennis will help as well.

For me, Turtle, I know these days come, it's something H says, or does with GF that triggers it and I think "I could have done that, it could have been me", but it's not and I just ride it a bit because I know the feeling will go away and it takes time.

You probably have these moments less and less...look at LaBug and her Hs ring story. She is one of the strongest people on here and that little gesture dropped her. But she got up, like we all do, and those feelings fade...until the next time something triggers them.

But I think that one day, the trigger happens, and while you feel sad and melancholy, it doesn't drop you at all.

GTO, thinking about you. These times will come and go.

Sometimes getting out of the house, or being with people, or even exercise won't help. And that's okay. Allow the feelings to be.

I know how you feel. Why do you think I continued trying to save my M for three years? I was even willing to overcome one of the things I thought were deal breakers (the affair.) But think about this: your H is doing what he does bc it's all he knows what to do. He feels disconnected from you, his children, and probably himself. So send him love...This helped me.

Finally, take some action:
1) Get out the role of the abandoned one. Don't feel like a victim anymore.
2) GAL-seriously, not just the sports in the weekend, but something really different.
3) Reach out. Connect with other people--new people.
4) Write down your 180's and put them into practice. Ask yourself how you can be a better person/wife.

(((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))

Little do you journal on paper? Do you have a true support system. What are you going to do to change the dynamics of your life?

I can't remember where I was reading this or if it was my IC last night, but I keep telling myself each day, that I'm not broken! I refuse to be a victim! H is the one missing out. Im enough for someone. I'm great!

I know that no matter what happens, I will always love H. It's just a fact. Some days suck, but I have to believe that each day I chose to move forward & try to enjoy the moment or be sad in the moment will bring me closer to moving in from this pain.

I do think that the time without my kids helps with that. I just have to be me. Not a mom, not a wife, me. Happy, sad, angry, me.

I hope today is better for you!

Thanks for posting, Tori, PoN, ruby & Tallula,

Tori- How do I show love but still detach? The lovingly detach is such a confusing concept to me. If I am loving I don't detach, if I detach he perceives me as cold.

Well, I did it. I signed up for my first meetup ever. Tennis & social hour. I am a little nervous, but excited to do something new with new people. Just for me.

How do I tell H I am doing something, but when he's asks, "what & with whom?" (which he will) how do I answer honestly but still remain mysterious?

My two youngest sons had a C session today (2nd one). I talked to the C afterwards & she said how verbal S9 is & that when she talked to him about feelings he mentioned me a lot (positively) and didn't mention H at all.

S11 has had two very difficult days, including today at school (was sent to asst principal for being passive agressive and not doing what the teacher repeatedly asked him to do).

Sorry, had to cut off last post. H just called which he NEVER has done at 11:00 at night after boys have gone to bed.

First of all his sister called him and then I called her today. She found out last night she has breast cancer. Will start chemo at beginning of March. Very sad.

H called to ask what the name of the type of cancer she has is as he forgot. Told him & then we got to talking about boys and that 2/3 of them had difficult nights tonight.

He said he's tired of me making him feel like their behaviors at night (when he's not here) are completely his fault. I don't think I do this...I feel like I just try to tell him what's going on with the boys, b/c he asked me to.

Somehow we got onto other "old" topics like how the boys' schedules are just too busy like always (this is a sore spot for H as he feels he has to do most of the shlepping around). I validated his feelings.

ANother "old" beef of his was that he feels he spends "more time than most dads spend w their kids & still does." I validated but said that the boys only know their dad, not others, so his absence at night is still something they are adjusting to. (In reference to the boys having issues at night.)

Finally, one last thing he brought up was how he didn't get enough time for himself and when he did I always complained (like how long he would be gone to go to the gym). Something I've apologized for um-teen times. He recognized my change about this last SPring (before BD even) but said it had been "years" of my complaining. I tried to validate, but said I had recognized my shortcoming of not recognizing his need for time and space w/o my complaints.

Finally he said "People may think that my moving out is all my fault but it was a two-way street." I felt compelled to point out that his moving out was his decision not mine but that I take ownership in some of the problems that caused our R to suffer.

The conversation was stressful and he cut it off at that point saying he didn't call to talk about "these things" and so he was going to go. Instead of just saying "okay" I got upset and can't even remember what I said before we both hung up.

It was a backslide, I know. But, how much further can I slide from the bottom???

Not feeling good about my lack of control over my emotions in our conversation.

It'll happen, you're still early in this. Practice everyday recognizing your emotions and riding them out, letting them pass through you. You have a lot of bottled up stuff inside that bubbles out.

I started by doing a meditation called Ride the Wild Horse and that helped, then I moved on to other meditations. I was a crier, which really drove my H crazy and me, too because I felt out of control.

I feel like I control my emotions now, my emotions don't control me.

Another thing,

He said he's tired of me making him feel like their behaviors at night (when he's not here) are completely his fault.

You can't make him feel anything, if he didn't have some guilt in there he'd be fine. But, I'm not sure a litany of what went on in the evenings will get your desired result. As much as you want him to see, he's going to close his eyes, put his fingers in his ears, while repeating lalalalalala. Don't get drawn into that, he can't/won't be your support right now. Find that elsewhere.

and maybe one more...

Are your boys too busy? That constant "have to be somewhere" puts a lot of stress on an intact family, so it's really stressful for a broken family. Are there things you can cut out?

Little it is a backslide but please don't beat yourself up over it. Also you are spot on with apologies. In the future you apologize ONCE and ask yourself for forgiveness and the good lord and move on. Do not keep apologizing for stuff. You apologize and now it is on him. Ok?

Take the above experience ^^^ you speak about as just that. Experience.

What did talking about relationship stuff get you? Nothing. If anything more anxiety.

I can see your husband feeling guilted and/or manipulated about you bringing up the kids behaviors. I know my W did. Try not to do this. I think he knows it [censored].

You need to focus on yourself ONLY. Start doing work on yourself. Take care of yourself. Can your husband take the kids from Thursday to Monday so you can goto EE? I think you need this more then you know. Don't let yourself go a year plus like I did without truly doing your work.