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Hmmm. I would ask the super pro veterans to chime in. He asked you for a hug. That is not pursuit but maybe a good time for some rejection on your end.

I am glad I stumbled upon your posts Gto. Well, not glad that any of us are here, but you know what I mean.

It is so tough to take off the mom hat and not let it define us totally. A sitter here and there - but actual set times each week that H will have them? I haven't been able to finish that conversation even tho he has asked. He did have D last night and it was tough. Thanks for posting what your IC said, and seeing what the others have said too has opened my eyes a bit that it needs to happen in order to DB - veterans can tell me if I'm reading this wrong!

Spartan - your comments about control are interesting. Maybe too personal to ask what you figured out as your issue? Guessing just not sure where to start digging on that one.

Has anyone read Let.It.Go. by Karen Ehrman (not sure I have her last name correct)? It's in my list and has great reviews. It's about letting go of control.

I agree with the others about Valentines - decided not to set myself up for disappointment either. D and I have made some did grandparents and daycare. What an awesome idea of the kitten for your family
Take care!

I don't see how rejecting him will help bring them closer.

Mirror him. Give him the same type of hug he gives you. No more, no less.

I agree with FY. Just give him the same hug he gives you, GTO.

I hope you're staying safe and warm today. I'm stuck inside bc they haven't cleared the driveway/road yet.

Thanks for no 2x4's about the hug. NO hug after visit today!

Tori, stayed cozy & warm & no power loss-yeah! Went out to shovel snow a bit while boys played mostly. They HAD intentions of helping, but, well the 2+ feet of snow was just too tempting to tunnel & play vs. working/shoveling!

Interestingly H called early this morning to make sure we had power and to reinforce his committment to snowblow us out today. He called later at 11:00ish & said he wasn't sure when he would make it. I said, "That's okay, I can tackle the snowblower."

He immediately replied, "No,it's too big of a job. And, I'm bored (at my apartment doing nothing) anyway." I just don't think he really wanted me touching "his" snowblower! He came a couple hours later. It was nice not to do this, but I wonder about his reasons for wanting to do this. Oh, well.

Tomorrow my niece is having a family sweet 16 bday party at my SIL's (H's sister). I've been on the fence about driving out w H as he's been rather cold and non-talkative to me so I'd rather not do an 1 1/2hr drive w him NOT talking to me. BUT, when I asked him & he said he "assumed" we'd drive together.

I said, "That's fine, but I'd rather not if we aren't going to talk as it makes it uncomfortable for me." He said, "It goes both ways." (Clearly meaning that he feels I've not been talking to him either.)

So, we'll give this a go & see what happens. Odd normalcy in an abnormal situation.

My SIL's H'S family will be at the party too. H stated he is not looking forward to being around them (as this will be the first time he's been around them since they've known we are S). They are a strong Irish-Catholic family & will definitely have opinions about my H's actions (but we'll see if they say anything or not or treat him differently).

Tallula, thanks for your thoughts about visitation. I do want to make changes, but I'm not ready to yet. It is impossible to get out and meet new people/GAL when I always have the kids, but then again I still choose this for now.

GTO,

I am wondering about this.^^^^ Is there a underlying fear in changing the dynamics? Is this a excuse to not get out?

GTO, a few comments:

The 1.5 hour drive is a perfect opportunity to listen and throw hints that show your changes. How do you think you have bettered yourself, BTW? Mull over this and see how you can bring this into the conversation.

I don't think anyone will say anything at the party. Act as if everything is fine.

Make your H feel comfortable. By you saying that you were uncomfortable about the possible silence, you created an expectation (negative) from his part. So avoid saying stuff like this.

Be appreciative for his help with the snow. My H didn't even call to see how I was doing after snowstorms when he had moved out and was having the A. I guess he was never a caring guy. Once I helped him unbury his car and as soon as we were done, he took off, leaving me with my own buried car :-( At least your H showed he cared.

Eyesopen asked a good Q. Are you not allowing the visitation bc of fear? Don't let fear dominate.

Tori,
I DO appreciate H digging us out and I told him that today TWICE! In fact that is one of my consistent 180's--thanking him for all the "little" and big stuff he does. He felt taken for granted. I sincerely thank him for EVERYTHING now & it feels natural to me. I know he's recognized this.

eyes,
Am I afraid to change the dynamics? No. Am I afraid of not having my kids? YES. I want them to be in their own home--for them and for me. Am I fearful of "getting out there?" YES. I don't to. A part of me wants to continue in my comfort zone. But, I know I NEED to.

I also want a "big card" to play when H starts dating OW. (Him not coming to house on w/e's will not go down well w him.)

He said today that he felt "stupid" that he did not know that I was getting a kitten before the boys. And, when was I planning to tell him?

I also ask a neighbor friend to come look at my washer to see if he could fix it before I spent a mint paying to have it serviced. H was in driveway when neighbor pulled up & said I had called to have him look at it. Later, H said he felt "dumb" that I had called neighbor (H isn't very "handy", but neighbor is).

I both counts I thought "TOO BAD!" but said nothing in response (but did validate!).

Tori,
I DO appreciate H digging us out and I told him that today TWICE! In fact that is one of my consistent 180's--thanking him for all the "little" and big stuff he does. He felt taken for granted. I sincerely thank him for EVERYTHING now & it feels natural to me. I know he's recognized this.

eyes,
Am I afraid to change the dynamics? No. Am I afraid of not having my kids? YES. I want them to be in their own home--for them and for me. Am I fearful of "getting out there?" YES. I don't to. A part of me wants to continue in my comfort zone. But, I know I NEED to.

I also want a "big card" to play when H starts dating OW. (Him not coming to house on w/e's will not go down well w him.)

He said today that he felt "stupid" that he did not know that I was getting a kitten before the boys. And, when was I planning to tell him?

I also ask a neighbor friend to come look at my washer to see if he could fix it before I spent a mint paying to have it serviced. H was in driveway when neighbor pulled up & said I had called to have him look at it. Later, H said he felt "dumb" that I had called neighbor (H isn't very "handy", but neighbor is).

I both counts I thought "TOO BAD!" but said nothing in response (but did validate!).

GTO, I completely understand wanting the kids to stay in there own home. Maybe you could start with having your husband spend the night, while you go out and spend it with a friend. A little mystery, your out, and the kids are in there home. GALing is so important for detachment. I haven't been feeling the greatest this week, so I forced myself out the last two nights and had a blast both nights. So rather than thinking I will be okay without my w, GALing makes me believe I will be okay.

As far as the "big card" goes, it seems like a tactic. You are focusing on your husband and something that may never happen or maybe it already is happening. Say they aren't dating and you really start to GAL, will he wonder if he is losing you? Will he want to be part of your fun. Who knows, but I think you will start finding yourself. Otherwise you are putting your life on hold. Regardless of what happens we all need to be moving forward, even if it is with baby steps. I feel like you are in a holding pattern waiting for your h to change the dynamics.