Mtnman, I'm glad to hear you're into athletic's and going to church with the kids. Very good for everyone's health. Try to do stuff with friends/family too, you need adult interaction also.
Post often and you will be allowed off moderation sooner. They won't notify you when this happens, one day you will hit submit and "walla", your post will magically appear! It will be a happy day.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks bklyn and FY. Had a nice v-day meal with the family. Bought her roses from the boys which she really liked. I got the wife a funny card which she enjoyed. She got me one that was a little more serious, and said some very nice things that she added extra notes to. I just look at it and wonder why if you believe these things you're running away? Oh well. Taking off tomorrow to chaperone my S6 class on a field trip. Glad this day is in the books.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hello. I am brand new here and looking for help, advice, comfort, etc.
Yesterday was our 32nd wedding anniversary. My husband's MLC started last summer but he denied that was what it was. We did some counseling but since we weren't addressing what was really going on it didn't do much good. He has finally accepted that this is his MLC.
Up until last summer he was singing me love songs, chasing me around the house and we were loving life and each other. Now... I don't know when the last time was he complimented me.
Husband has decided he needs to move out and live alone. He only want to be responsible for himself. I have come to accept that he belives this and will act on it. (I do truly, truly hope he is completely miserable on his own.)
The main reason I am here is that I am so confused. I feel like I am spinning in the wind every single day. Here is a classic example of why -
Last Saturday he went and looked at an apartment. Sunday he showed me his wedding ring that was bent out of shape. Then he tells me that he needs to get it fixed so it doesn't break and he might lose it. What??? He is leaving me but he is worried about his wedding ring?
He tells me he loves me but he isn't in love with me. He hugs and kisses me. He dances with me. He tells me he wants to work on our marriage and then he tells me he doesn't see me in his future.
I feel out of control and so very confused. I pray constantly. In fact I have a prayer mantra - WiSPS: Wisdom, Strength, Patience, Serenity. I am reading all the material I can find and trying to act on the advice.
Does anyone out there have a success story to share with me? Can anyone offer a sliver of hope to me? Do marriages truly survive this crazy journey?
Thank you all for the advice and support. I had a fun day on the field trip with S6. W took both boys to a movie after we got back home. I didn't go as I thought it would be good for her to have them by herself for awhile. Broke my heart to see them go without me.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Sorry you're here. I'm new here to so I'm sure someone else can provide links that will show up faster than mine. There are success stories and relationships that do get through this. Unfortunately, it takes time and work.
I can assure you that everyone on this board wishes they could provide you with a pill that cures your H. There isn't one. Take the advice these folks offer, and never give up!
Update: W came up yesterday evening and ate supper with us. During supper we talked a lot about plans for our bonus room for the boys. It is still furnished for play with toys but is transitioning to a WWE wrestling ring. It was nice for everyone to participate in the plans. Talked about furniture and entertainment more suited for preteens. Ping pong, pool table, bean bags, flat screen tv, etc. after we ate we all went up and wrestled. W even hoped the boys take me on. It was nice to have her touch me even if in play. We all had lots if good laughs. The boys were beyond happy to play with us.
After W went back to her apt she sent me a pic of a cat she's been trying to befriend, and its working. She had it on her bed. She was so proud. There was back and forth discussion about her cat whisperer ability's. she ended it by saying she was taking care of the cats there for now. I latch on to the for now as a sign she knows it temporary.
Got to get everyone ready for church. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Had a nice time at church today. W and a friend were talking as we walked in about how they have to watch their weight when they live with husbands that are thin. Then we had some playful back and forth during the service. Afterwards the boys and I went to visit family. Met with W to drop off her car to get it repaired on the way home. I was discussing how I needed to replace my car and she commented that we could afford a payment starting in April because hers will be paid off. Again with the 'we.'
She came up and ate supper with us and to do her laundry. Boys left the table and she asked if my parents had asked about her. I told her that they do and are concerned and sometimes angry. She stated that if we stay married, visiting with my parents most weekends would not be something she would want to do. I told her I understood that and knew that would be ok. She then said that if she had to decide today to either go back to the way things were or get a divorce, she would choose divorce. I said that was fine, but financial issues are going to have to be dealt with at some point, mainly the house. She said she knew that. I then got up and walked off.
In the span of two hours I got more mixed signals than I care to figure out. What a frustrating ordeal.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Last night after W left, I had a young lady fbook request me as a friend. Keep in mind she is young enough to be my daughter, a really good person, mutual acquaintance, and I'm sure no interest on either if our parts. She probably has no clue anything is even going on. Anyway, within seconds W sends me a text wanting to know why I'm friends with this girl. I tell her she sent me a request and maybe she thinks I can help her find work after college. Go on to say, ask her she sent me the request. W gets short and the jealousy shows.
I take this as a chance to pull a 180 (I've never told her about any other women flirting or showing interest). Tell her I've a a couple of grown women, both of who she knows, check to determine my interest, explain to W that while I'm flattered there is no interest from me. And it was true, they did. BOOM! Jealousy to the nth degree. All kinds of ugly teenage type texts about how these women have always tried to steal her men, they're gold diggers, and they need to grow up. It was so much fun to see her get jealous, and to push her buttons for a change.
Now, y'all may say this was the worst thing I could do, but man it felt good to be the one 'moving on', even if I'm not. For her, I'm sure this isn't so funny when the shoes on the other foot. She's so cute when she gets mad.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Financial question. W isn't willing to discuss much when it comes to finances. How do I help her understand that I/we need to make some tough financial decisions, especially related to our home? I can't be as tough as I'd like because this is a two income responsibility. I need her to help pay the mortgage, which means I have to put up with her foolish spending.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
She came up and ate supper with us and to do her laundry. Boys left the table and she asked if my parents had asked about her. I told her that they do and are concerned and sometimes angry. She stated that if we stay married, visiting with my parents most weekends would not be something she would want to do. I told her I understood that and knew that would be ok. She then said that if she had to decide today to either go back to the way things were or get a divorce, she would choose divorce. I said that was fine, but financial issues are going to have to be dealt with at some point, mainly the house. She said she knew that. I then got up and walked off.
In the span of two hours I got more mixed signals than I care to figure out. What a frustrating ordeal.
Mtn- You said way too much about you our parents. Don't talk with her about her relationships with other folks and her, unless those other folks are your children and its necessary. The truth is...it's all just venting. Stop that immediately.
