I need to get back to you on book ideas. Wanted to think that over.
I brought over your quote from FY's thread:
Originally Posted By: tori2012
FY, good idea to get her a humorous or friendly card.
Is your W having mood swings? I know someone already brought this up, but part of her behavior might be related to her sensitivity to the hormonal changes going on in her body. If she had/has bad PMS symptoms, then she's very sensitive to hormonal changes. Just a thought. If this was the case, then it would be great, bc the hormonal shifts will end soon.
AS had indicated to me perimenopause and I haven't really looked into that much. Now your mention of bad PMS symptoms has caught my eye. My wife has always had bad PMS symptoms. What I mean by that is that it is physically tougher on her than most women (I think), seems to have quite a build up, and she can be quite moody. I think I've always handled this time of the month quite well with her. Anyway, this gets me wondering if my wife is going through hormonal changes that are playing a part in our sitch. Guess I should study up on what goes with menopause.
FY, thank you for your post. I won't mention anything to my H. My thoughtful gesture is likely to be erased from his mind when he gets the D agreement, anyway...that'll be another big one to handle. Maybe this won't be my last thread after all! You've been very thoughtful too, and I'm sorry you have to deal with your W's dismissal of your thoughtfulness, but who knows what is really going on in her head.
VG, read up about PMDD. I suffered its effects for about 5 years, and that's when my H said he started thinking about D. I wasn't b!tchy or anything, but I could just not sleep, so my whole life was disturbed by it. My symptoms lasted 2 weeks! I felt trapped, like I couldn't do anything to regain my health. I had other symptoms, but the ZZ was the worst. My H wasn't as understanding as you, though. He just started to think he might want out of the R. I fixed my problem by adopting a new lifestyle of super healthy eating and adding special supplements to my diet. It took a while, but I achieved balance. So bottom line, do some research and continue being compassionate and empathetic. That compassion and empathy might be the key to save your M...
My H emailed me complaining about the L, etc, etc, but didn't mention his b-day or if he had liked the present, so I asked. I said I didn't want things to be awkward. FY, I know you suggested I didn't do it, but I deserve to be treated better, so I demanded better treatment. So he replied:
"I really enjoyed lunch with you on Thursday and the dolphin globe is decorating my office. I have to admit, I opened it early. I ate one cookie and it was delicious. The others are at my desk, ready to be eaten (okay, maybe two cookies). They were amazing. Sorry I did not send out a proper thank you yet, I really appreciate how kind and understanding you’ve been and your generosity. It’s true that it’s difficult to share, but I appreciate that you don’t want it to be awkward. As you might have guessed, I basically got snowed it, and did a lot of watching movies on Netflix (I signed up again), and read. I hope you are doing well and didn’t get too buried. Thanks again for the present! I am really grateful that we are both reasonable people."
So the lesson is, that if you're in my sitch, you might as well be open and avoid an adversarial R. And ask for what you need.
He hasn't seen the agreement from the L yet (I'm waiting for the L to send it to me.) That'll require a lot of smart negotiating from my part, and a lot of kindness. I can do it. At the same time, I will make sure I get what I need financially.
I'm glad mentioning it worked for you to get what you needed. For some of us that would be fishing for something that really wasn’t there, so any response would be forced and less than genuine. Not only that but it could be seen as pressure to get them to change their mind on the relationship. It’s probably different in your sitch because your H can now see his prize of freedom at the end of the tunnel.
Continue being strong and assertive for yourself, you’re doing great!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You are so amazing Tori. So strong and compassionate. I think of you often and always hope you are well.
(((()))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
FY, and Busting, thank you! I always need your support and encouragement.
I just received the agreement from the L. I'm going away this weekend, so I'm thinking I should not share it now, bc I don't have time to meet, and my H will be obsessed about "getting things done." I wonder whether I should share it before (i.e. Thursday or Friday) or after my weekend trip. Any thoughts?
I started researching negotiation. I found these types of negotiation styles:
1.Accommodating: Individuals who enjoy solving the other party’s problems and preserving personal relationships. Accommodators are sensitive to the emotional states, body language, and verbal signals of the other parties. They can, however, feel taken advantage of in situations when the other party places little emphasis on the relationship. 2.Avoiding: Individuals who do not like to negotiate and don’t do it unless warranted. When negotiating, avoiders tend to defer and dodge the confrontational aspects of negotiating; however, they may be perceived as tactful and diplomatic. 3.Collaborating: Individuals who enjoy negotiations that involve solving tough problems in creative ways. Collaborators are good at using negotiations to understand the concerns and interests of the other parties. They can, however, create problems by transforming simple situations into more complex ones. 4.Competing: Individuals who enjoy negotiations because they present an opportunity to win something. Competitive negotiators have strong instincts for all aspects of negotiating and are often strategic. Because their style can dominate the bargaining process, competitive negotiators often neglect the importance of relationships. 5.Compromising: Individuals who are eager to close the deal by doing what is fair and equal for all parties involved in the negotiation. Compromisers can be useful when there is limited time to complete the deal; however, compromisers often unnecessarily rush the negotiation process and make concessions too quickly.
I think my style is a mix of accommodating and compromising. The risk with both styles is that I could make quick concessions to preserve the R. So I will have to be aware of this. I'm thinking that if I feel I'm going to make a concession just to "be nice" or bc my H is showing anger, I will ask for time off or to meet at another time. Thoughts?
My H never expresses anger. He never yells, never even says he's angry. He just becomes really quiet and starts making this funny thing with his mouth. So I know how to read him well. Once I see that facial expression, I usually switch to pleasing mode. That said, a phone conversation might be better for me, but I think there's nothing like eye contact to convey collaboration and openness.
It sounds like you are really making sure you are ready and doing the negotiating in the best way possible.
I think I know you well enough to know you will do this in person w your H. Definitely ask for more time if you feel the compromising side of you giving in when you didn't originally intend to.
Know your boundaries and EXACTLY what you want and what you are and are not willing to negotiate. When paperwork is done you need to be happy with what has happened. Your H will go off and live his own life & you don't want to say "if only I had..." (about the settlement, not DBing).
As far as DBing I hope I can follow in your shoes to some degree. Granted I have 3 boys to raise, so H will be a BIG part of our lives even after D (if it happens).
But, you are such an inspiration in dealing with all aspects of your R with your H & have put yourself in a great position to be open and ready for a new R--- an amazing, awesome, best-ever, happy, healthy relationship!
((((()))))
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
It sounds like you are really making sure you are ready and doing the negotiating in the best way possible.
I think I know you well enough to know you will do this in person w your H. Definitely ask for more time if you feel the compromising side of you giving in when you didn't originally intend to.
Also, I would wait until after your weekend. Unless it is going to ruin your weekend by thinking about it too much. Know your boundaries and EXACTLY what you want and what you are and are not willing to negotiate. When paperwork is done you need to be happy with what has happened. Your H will go off and live his own life & you don't want to say "if only I had..." (about the settlement, not DBing).
As far as DBing I hope I can follow in your shoes to some degree. Granted I have 3 boys to raise, so H will be a BIG part of our lives even after D (if it happens).
But, you are such an inspiration in dealing with all aspects of your R with your H & have put yourself in a great position to be open and ready for a new R--- an amazing, awesome, best-ever, happy, healthy relationship!
((((()))))
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I also felt fear today. I'm still on the rollercoaster. I tried to imagine myself being married to someone else, and it didn't seem possible. The fear of being alone for the rest of my life returned. I pictured everything I'd have to go through: meet someone I'm attracted to and who shares the same values, get to really know them, fall in love, and have feelings strong enough to remarry. I don't see my H telling any woman he cheated on his wife and the way he behaved toward me. He'll give her a reason that makes him look good. So it's scary. I guess I'm afraid of being lied to or betrayed again.
Finally, I realized that my H made me feel bad about myself for a long, long time. And I took a lot from him bc I wanted to be a good listener and be kind. But the things he said to me were completely inappropriate. So I feel I disrespected myself by just listening and not telling me what I really thought.
Oh, and I have lots of regrets, including getting married in the first place.
These are my feelings exactly!!! How do you get past this or at lease counter them?
Heartbroken5 Me:38|H:40 Together: 10 years Married:5 BD: May 2013 No children
GTO, thank you for posting. I know you're going through a rough time...
HB5, good to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. I'm working on ways to counter this, and will put this all down in my book. For now, though, the only thing we can do is imagine ourselves connecting with love, either through our S's or someone else, and tapping into the energy of our connection. I know it sounds a little out there, but this has worked for me so far. Regardless, though, this is really hard. I'm glad we have each other...
