Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife said she was done!

I painted that picture to remind myself that it wasn’t the correct way to cope with her nagging. When I tried to be an engaging parent I was told I was doing it wrong, I suggested reasonable boundaries while she wanted to free range the boys. Little things like to eat at the table not the couch, not to walk around the house with an uncovered drink as it spills everywhere, don’t play on the road or the neighbors yard as we have plenty of room in ours. She doesn’t look at prices when she buys things, if she wants it she will get it. It doesn’t matter if we don’t have much money in our account and we are trying to budget what little money we do have. I felt no respect from her so I chose to be productive else ware.

I work 11 hours a days 5 days a week and need a bit of space every now & then. She use to get upset when I would leave the house which was not very often. I went on 2 dirt bike rides all of last year & she thought that was too much. So I chose to stay within the yard thinking that would satisfy her but apparently not. I realize now that she wanted me to have more one on one time with the children.

My 3 year old was only diagnosed with Autism 6 months ago. I took that hard emotionally. I guess for the first 3 months I could have handled it better but over the last 3 months I have stepped up tremendously. Taking him to therapy, playing blocks, bath time every night, building snowman, snowmobiling and we will be taking swimming lessons next month.

I am a bit confused on what to do as I would like to talk to her about her depression and grief but with the 180’s it indicates to pull back and to be scarce with words. My distance before is what drove her to have an EA.

What I am doing is to show her how awesome of a person I can be and to make her life more enjoyable and easier. Some of the big changes I made is to be more engaging with the children, help inside the house more, no relationship talk, stay sober, exercise and become healthier, keep a positive attitude, continuing to speak with addiction councilors, read self help books (Finally got the DR yesterday!), walk the dog daily and discuss solutions to help her dysfunctional family.

I will not give up these lifestyle changes as it will benefit me as a person and as a father. If she doesn’t want to try to give this marriage another go all I can do is walk with my head held high knowing I did everything in my power to save this family.

I like how you sound in your last post. You are proof of what a man can do when he makes up his mind! I admire anyone who can do what you are doing to work through the dependency or addictions.

I know you feel anxious, but the fact that's she's still in the same house gives you so much opportunity to prove you are determined to be the best man you can be. Spending time with your sons is not overlooked by her. She may not say anything positive, but she sees it. And playing with the baby......get him laughing! That stirs something in a woman when she sees & hears her man causing her child to laugh with delight, as only children can do. Just don't push it until it gets on her nerves. I've seen some men do it until you could pull your hair out! The secret is "balance". Don't be the good guy who comes home and just "plays" with the kids, but do your part in teaching them. I'm glad you explained your stand on the boundaries you tried to instill, and how your W did not want those "restraints" on the boys. I agree 100% with you, and I can see how frustrating it could become. Some mothers think like your W does, and they make it tough for the dad. I was the parent who thought like you do, and I always came out as being the "bad guy", which I resented a lot. My H never disciplined our kids.....not once. If any rules were laid out, I had to enforce and apply the consequences. It's hard when it is one-sided.

My advice for you for your present stitch (with your W and your children) is to to choose what matters most today. B/c you are living in a day-to-day relationship. Of course you are thinking about the future, but right now....you are taking it one step at a time. This is a fragile time in your M and it will be a mountain to climb. No matter how high, you still take it one step at a time. If you start scaling (or whatever the term), you stand a big chance of falling (if not very experienced) and the same is true in this process.



Let me try to explain the 180's. A 180 for me may not be the same 180 for you. However, since she is considered a WAW, any relationship talk will push her away. Small talk doesn't cause pressure like personal topics. But this woman doesn't want to be with you, so you have to act as if she is just another person sharing the same building. Conduct yourself as you would around a co-worker. Polite, but not cozy. Friendly, but not chummy. And of course, no suggestion of intimacy. This is what you have to do for this time frame.

The most important act that you can do for her right now....is to just listen to her, in case she does talk. And if she doesn't talk....she sees you are "there" anyway. A 180 for you could be to stop going into the man cave and just be present in the house with the family (which you seem to be doing now).

What seems to be difficult for a lot of men is the idea of not talking to their W about the MR, and confusing detaching or back off with being cold. Understand that you are not to act cold, sullen, pouting, angry, moody, resentful or unfriendly. But it is more of a "polite" manner of friendliness, and not a chummy type manner. It may not make sense to man who is desperate to save the R, but that's the manner that's needed to deal with a WAW. If she doesn't feel you pressuring her to talk, then she will not try to put up higher walls. But the more you try to prompt her, the more chance you have in hearing her make decisions you don't want.
But if she sees you interested in the insignificant things she says.....then she'll feel free to talk about more personal things. Here is a key piece of advice for men: Look in her eyes when she speaks.[u][/u][/b] Otherwise, she thinks you aren't really listening. And I would go further...and tell you to look at her when you speak to her (especially when you give a response to something she says). Don't do it in a creepy way.......like you are trying to eat her alive, but to give [b]respect.....like you would a co-worker.

Another issue a lot of men have....is not knowing for certain how she feels, or they want some kind of sign that there could be a little hope. Don't even get into that mindset b/c it's a death trap for you emotionally. She's given you her intentions, and now you have to live as if you've had your eyes open (and you have) and act (not talk) like you are going to change yourself for the better and plan to be happy......with or without her in your life. Trust me....it has a giant effect.

She not only has to see that a M with you could be much better (since your changes), but she has to trust you to keep those changes and not revert back to that person she bombed. Something that large only comes in due time.

Now, if there is another man in her mind (real or unreal.....present or past.......available or unavailable), or if she's just wanting to be free to window shop for OM, you've got another level of a WAW. But, it is not unreachable!

Maritimer, sorry I'm stealing a bit of your thread to ask Sandi a question.

Sandi, my wife and I are 5 months into our sitch. We have been in MC for about 4 months. At the beginning of MC we talked about our goals of building a new marriage relationship. I'm not sure the MC has done a lot towards rebuilding the connections my wife has for me.

In our next session I'd like to ask her what her goals are for the MC. Because I'm not sure she is in it to rebuild. That's just me mind reading. This is in MC so seems to be a valid question. But would I be pushing her?

Today is a day of mixed emotions, I created a lovely homemade Valentines Day card from Dad and the boys. Not a thank you or HVD to me. She did post on facebook that “she is sharing the love for valentines day” but none of that was directed to me. I understand that she is angry but it is no excuse to be mean. I have been friendly to her with casual conversation and some days she is receptive others she is not.

I am having trouble trying not to read her mind because I really want to make it work. Sometimes I wonder why I should try so hard because treats me with no respect and has hurt me greatly. I guess I want to make it work for the kids.. they are my world and the thought of not being there daily for them is hard to accept. Especially if she shacks up with another guy & by default he gets to spent more time with the boys than I do.

Sandi2 I will take your advise that I need to stop trying to be a psychic because im not a mind reader and it usually turns into negative thoughts.

We have a viewing for the sale of the house tomorrow. The reality of our home selling is not a good feeling. I feel it would be more challenging for it to work if we are in separate places but then maybe some real space between us might make her realize how awesome I am and try to make an effort to reconcile the marriage.

In this separation marathon she wants to run flat out where I would like us to go at a jogging pace. Time will tell if it will be a Turtle and the Hare fable...

For now I will focus on keeping my patience no matter how mean she is. Love my boys the best I can. Continue improving my mind, body and sole. Make so that she would be a fool to leave such a caring, positive individual for her and the boys.

Glad the Motorcycle show is here this weekend. Its going to be great to hang out with my buddys to drool and talk about bikes!

We had a showing for the house today. If we get an offer Im not sure how to handle that situation. I really dont want to sell as I want to spend as much time with our kids as I can. The extra cost of our family living in 2 places will be a huge financial hit for our us. I dont believe she realizes how much of an impact this will have on the children emotionally, our dog & us financially. I feel that it is selfish of her to do this as she is the only one who wants this. We are not even 3 months into this separation!

Do I talk to her about our relationship if we get an offer on the house? It seems that would make things more challenging for us to try and make it work.

Confused....

How much of DR have you read?

Page 68.

Ha! Funny how the answer to my question was on page 72...

Thanks MrBond!

Still trying to detach and finish reading the DR. She is seeking a pre approval for a mortgage. No offer on the house yet thankfully.

She don’t seem as cold but still no indication that she wants to work it out. My feelings are still like a roller coaster sometimes it doesn’t bother me to leave but other times it hurts to think about my family not being around all the time. Just enjoying each day i have with the boys while still in the home with them. Not sure why she would want to leave such a good father to the boys.

I feel that should tell her exactly what i think about the situation. I think it is selfish of her to only to look out for herself where breaking up the family and leaving will hurt me and the boys tremendously. Also family, friends and her co workers dont know why she is leaving and not even trying to work it out. She seems different to them as well. Choosing to become a single mother is baffling to me. There are so many questions i want to ask but i need to give her space. I keep reminding myself to be patience.

Maritimer,

I can relate--my H is homeless, broke, and his health is deteriorating yet these spouses cling to the fantasy that their lives will become perfect without you! Their pride demands that they keep up the facade.

Telling her what you think will backfire. I know it didn't help me. Like you, I am baffled but my H's choices.

Space is key. I've learned that I need space but don't recognize it. It's hard for me to be patient. I want all my bad feelings gone NOW.