Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife said she was done!

On Dec 1 I got the bombshell, she wants a separation. We have been together for 10 years married for 5 and have a 3 year old autistic boy and a 11 month old. I got the hint in September when she said her feeling were numb and she was blaming it on the anti depression meds. She wasnt very fun to be around so i spent most of my free time in the shed drinking beer and doing things around the house. Our communication drifted then in Dec she said she was done. Boom reality check for me so I stopped drinking, the pot, went to AA, started a diet and became more engaged with the kids. I asked her to see a marriage councilor and within 15 minutes my wife and the councilor had me pegged as a alcoholic and there was no hope for our marriage. Not very professional or helpful i thought. She put the house for sale and started making inventory of what she wants when the house sells. All this happened 5 days after she told me that she wanted to leave the marriage.

63 days later I lost nearly 40 pounds, no booze or pot, met with many councillors, became very engaged with the boys, I do all the cleaning & cooking all with a very positive attitude! I made the rookie mistakes by asking her to come try again and to seek another marriage councillor but she keeps saying no im done. I am having a hard time accepting that she wont try for the sake of the children. I made drastic changes over the last 2 month and thought she would realize how serious i was about improving my lifestyle for myself and our family.

Over the past 3 years both of her parents passed away, had postpartum with both of the children and our 3 year old was diagnosed with autism. That is alot to take for even the strongest person. I have always been there for her but she has trouble opening up. I feel that her choices a being impaired do to her depression and the challenges of coping with the grief of her parents. Walking away from the marriage will just make a bad situation worse. We have a beautiful family and I know we can make it work if we both try.

I enjoy reading the forum and realize i am not the only one going through this. I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst. I appreciate words of advise and will keep you posted on my progress!

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Most of us lose weight after BD.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.
This is the right place to be.
You will get to the right place again.
This part is in YOUR control.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

What were her real reasons why she wants a D? Because of your drinking? How bad was your drinking?

Do not push another counselor. How do you know the next one won't tell her to hurry up and finalize D?

Thanks for the warm welcome!

My drinking wasn't that bad, Friday & Saturday nights and a few during the week. I was never a sloppy drunk, always pleasant and funny, never drank & drove. Now that I have stopped completely I feel so much better & I know I never want to continue the way I was.

Yes, the drinking was the main reason she said. She also said she dont love me anymore and she needed a change. Then I found some emails indicating she is having an EA with a co worker. It hurt alot.

I am doing my best with the 180 and to detach. Its tough. I wish she would stop walking around in yoga pants!

She did agree to go and seek some counseling for her depression.
I will stay away from the marriage counselor until or if she is ready.

It does sound like she's had to deal with a lot of pain in a short time.

I highlighted your line above because it seems you are desperate for her to see your changes. This is understandable but you don't want to appear desperate. It's better if you work quietly on yourself. Actions speak louder than words. You don't have to say anything because she'll see the changes, and...

say it's "Too Little, Too Late"! Especially if you're waving it in her face, she'll resent you for only changing after she gave up... In other words, you're only doing it to win her back.

Cut back a bit on the "doing all the cooking and cleaning". This too makes you look desperate, and she'll lose respect for you. Seriously. Marriage is teamwork. It's great you've stepped up, but leave some chores for her, even ask her to do some if you have to.

Keep up with your changes, especially being sober! Figure it's either booze or her, you can't have both. GAL. This will help you cope and make you more attractive.

Oh, and no more MC for a while. She is not in a place where it will do any good. As a matter of fact, avoid all relationship talks. Focus on the kids.

ForeverYoung, Thanks for your incite. Its great to get an outside prospective on the situation.

I do these things for myself to keep busy. She has a higher tolerance for living in a messy house than I do. I am am doing my best to GAL but its so hard considering my life was my family. I have joined up for swimming lessons and looking at getting into karate.

She wants to lower the price on the house to sell it quicker and meet with a Mediator to do up a plan to split the assets and develop a parenting plan. Its hard to act positive when its something i don't want to do. Seems like I would be encouraging the separation?

FY said pretty much exactly the things I was thinking. The only other thing to really try to do is give her space. As you say she's dealt with a lot and I'm guessing this decision wasn't easy for her. Let her work on her stuff and no R talk for a while (best if she brings it up first). More importantly you work on your stuff. Sounds like you know some of the big issues your W has brought up (alcohol, pot, etc...) and have made good changes there so start thinking about the smaller stuff she's brought up. Do you agree with these faults and if yes that's your next 180's.

Also read Sandi's 37 180's in the sticky. If you haven't already you might want to pick up Divorce Remedy.

I understand how you feel about trying to change and do everything all at once but try to relax a bit also. This is a LONG process and can be overwhelming. Do some things just for you (GAL). Do them with friends, take kids out, etc... but stay busy and try to have some fun. Be the person you want to be for you, everything else in life will take care of itself.

Yes, she has been through a lot. By postpartum, I assume you mean postpartum depression.

She wasnt very fun to be around so i spent most of my free time in the shed drinking beer and doing things around the house.
You checked out, then she checked out. Were you always fun to be around and if not would you have expected your W to go sit in a shed and drink? I know you've turned things around now but you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You did the same thing she's doing, she's just taking it a step further.

So what is there for you to do? Reread Cadet's post above, every day. Seriously, that's it in a nutshell. Let her go and do what she needs to do. Don't judge her, don't blame, don't shame. Become the man you want to be.

You can only fix you. You're in AA you know that.

Also, check out veroprados' threads.
veroprado

It sounds like she was reaching out to you for emotional support. Unfortunately you reacted by putting distance between the two of you. This probably led to a lot of resentment on her part.



Good for you, stick with it!



You thought right, that was a very poor counselor. But this is also why we don't recommend MC with a WAS, they tend to hear what they want to hear. If the C says anything about S or D then the WAS will jump all over it like it's the greatest revelation ever.



I know it seems fast, but she's probably been planning her exit for months or even years. It's not "sudden" to her.



Accept it, she's done for now. Read Sandi's thread at the top of this forum and live the DB 180 tips. You have got to stop all R and M talk right away. Remove all pressure from her. Give her time and space. Just because she's done for now doesn't mean she won't change her mind later, but it's a long, hard road to get to that point. Be patient!



Do it for you, not for her. If you do it for yourself you are more inclined to stick with it and not get discouraged.



And what did you do when she tried to open up? "She wasnt very fun to be around so i spent most of my free time in the shed drinking beer and doing things around the house." I'm not blaming you, I handled my own W's attempts to open up with similar actions. But I've read a lot of books since BD, have been through counseling and and RetroV. What all of this has taught me is I had just as much trouble opening up to her, and I did all the wrong things that discouraged her from opening up to me. You need new tools in your toolbox.

Good luck!

As most of us on here we all know what we should have done different but we cannot change the past but focus on what to do moving forward.

We get along great as roommates no arguing, making jokes, have fun with the kids. I am not reading much into that. As long as I don’t speak about our relationship she is good, if I do she is cold as ice, so I stopped a few weeks ago with that.

Her birthday is this Friday so all I will do is get her an ice cream cake and a funny card… from the boys and dad. Nothing mushy.

What is BD? I couldn’t find it in the abbreviations.

How long does it take to get of probation here on this forum? As it takes over 24 hours for my reply's, I am getting confuse on if I replied to peoples post or not.