Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Does this sound like a MLC or am I just in a SSM?

Good mum2three, I hope you do, take care of yourself. I'm not you and my story's not yours. I expressed to my IC regrets that I didn't do something before, every step along the way. Should I have married him? Should I have had kids with him? Should I have sought counseling back then? and more. And she stopped me and said we all make the best decisions we know how, with the tools that we have at the time. You just have to take what is and go from here.

no coffee yet...
My story's not yours = just because this is how my trajectory went from a point similar to yours doesn't mean yours will.

Just take good care of your feelings because they're still there even if you're good at ignoring them.

Thanks Adinva, I read it like that anyway! You have really made me think about what I am feeling and not dismiss my emotions as irrational. This really helps. I have lacked confidence in trusting my feelings; it is really helpful to have people like you remind me that they are valid and should not be ignored. I read your recent post. I was very impressed with your strength and courage and I really hope your mother is doing well.

Thanks mum2three! I'll post how she's doing over in my thread; she seems a little bit better every day but not coming home from the hospital anytime soon yet.

I learned about my feelings in the MC my H didn't attend, which is now my IC, and assigned reading beginning with The Dance of Anger. I thought at first that had nothing to do with me because I wasn't angry, and then it sank in. Also Pia Mellody's CD set on Boundaries, and Sven Wahlroos on Family Communication. Those two taught ways of seeing how you could lovingly say what you want or need in a way other than stifling or getting snappy or feeling like you're whining about minor stuff. But Dance of Anger was the best for learning how husbands and wives fall into patterns that feed each other and become amplified until it's hard to see how they can possibly be fixed.

Thanks Adniva, I have just ordered the dance of Anger. LIfe is good at the moment, almost getting back to normal. I still sense a slight tension, and I just wonder if DH is hurt that I didn't trust him completely; I am sure he thinks that he did nothing wrong and I have really overreacted. In many ways I think he is right, and perhaps the secrecy was a misjudged way of protecting me. Perhaps he was just emotionally unintelligent in the way he approached this relationship. He has done all the right things, stopped contacting her, concentrating on me. I really hope that I have not done our relationship some harm that may take a while to repair. I am usually very relaxed about him having other friends. Something about this friendship made me uneasy, but perhaps just because for the first time I snooped and read this phone messages. This is really just an outpouring of my thoughts in a therapeutic but random fashion.
Thank you for reading if you have stayed this long.....

I am pleased! It sounds as if things are moving in the right direction. Your parents sound lovely--what a great relationship they seem to have!

Hello again everyone. Thankyou Adinva for the recommendation. I read the dance of anger and the dance of intimacy and found them both very helpful. I think my situation has really improved. In fact my DH seems back to his normal loving attentive self. I just hope this is not temporary. I have learnt a lot over the last 5 months. These may not apply to everyone but they are my thoughts applicable to me and my situation.

*You are the only person that you can change
*People show their love for each other in very different ways; when people do things for you this may be as much an expression of their love as a hug or a cuddle.
*Eyes can't lie! If someone's eyes light up when they see you this is a very good sign. If they don't then think about why that might be and if it bothers you change something about yourself.
*focusing all your attention on your relationship may be as bad as giving it no attention
*you are the only person responsible for your happiness
*Detach a little but be kind if you find yourself too dependent on another
*Never compromise your own values and needs through fear of being unloved or alone
*you came into this world alone and leave it alone but there are many unlikely people along the way routing for you
*The problem with your relationship may reflect another problem that you are having with work or with your 'first' family.
*Be clear about your boundaries in a marriage, and what you are prepared to accept, talk this over with your partner. Don't tolerate or explain away behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable or insecure
*Do not mind read or second guess: I was invariable wrong when I did this and thought the worst
*DO not snoop- I never learnt anything helpful from it. I now have a tin of cat food on my desk. If I snoop I have to eat it- ALL
*secrecy is a disaster in a marriage. The fear and worry of what might be happening is worse that any reality

Would be interested to hear other people's thoughts!

I'm happy to hear from you and love the lessons you wrote down! I hope that you find your dark moments created a turning point for you that changed who you are in your relationship. Several of those points you mentioned would have caused me to act sooner or act differently in my marriage 10 years ago or so.

Thanks Adinva, I will keep popping back to see how you, in particular are getting on. I am going over to your post now.

uhm seems as things are not quite as good as I thought!! I feel taken advantage of in this marriage. I have spent a lot of time this week with the children as DH is very busy at work. I am too, but that seems less important. Was also feeling rather abandoned as he has been out on several work related evenings, drinks etc and I realised that we have not been out for dinner with each other since last year on our own. We did go out for a drink but it was a fateful evening again last year where I wondered what would happen if I didn't initiate physical contact with DH the whole evening. The results were interesting!!
I don't think it is that he doesn't care but he just doesn't seem to. Remember the rules: I need to get a life but it is so wonderful having someone else that cares about you and your life. I really really miss it, but I am going to have to learn to live without it for the moment and perhaps for ever.
When I feel like this I find that writing a letter to my mother or my sister really really helps.
Adinva, I think of you and wonder if in this situation, you would now say something....but I can't, I really don't want to. It is like asking for hugs...I will find my hugs somewhere else without breaking the boundaries of my marriage.
***I can do this, and survive****