Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Rinse, repeat, replay

It IS possible to have a HEALTHY midlife crisis. I feel like my divorce pushed me into one I wouldn't otherwise have had. What does mine look like?
I took up playing the drums in a rock band (and NO, it's NOT an all-girl band - why do people always ask me that?? I am good enough to play with the boys ).
I've had fun dating a handful of tall dark handsome interesting men - ok, some with too much emotional baggage, some much too young for me, but all interesting, intelligent, sexy men who I don't regret and most of whom are still my good friends.
I've traveled to London and Rome with my mom and my sis, had a fun evening drinking and singing with an entire RAF rugby team at a pub in Bath, kissed a handsome Croatian water-polo coach in an Irish pub in Rome (where I sang karaoke for the first time).
I bought a red car and red sofas.

Reinvention and stepping outside your comfort zone can be a GOOD thing - it's just very different from the depressed desperation of the true MLCer.

Here's to healthy midlife changes!

nero, I'm going to try your idea of watching TV. I think anything that will make me stop thinking and planning will be good.

kml, I feel like I was forced into a midlife transition myself too. My kids keep me far more grounded, but I wouldn't have spent all this time focusing on myself, changing myself, and setting new goals otherwise.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping because a friend of H (who is also going through a D) told me that she mentioned to H she was taking a mandated D class and H said he needs to look into that too. She said only if he wanted to, and he said it needs to be done. I just don't want to deal with everything that comes with D on top of everything else right now. I wonder how much of it is talk and how much of it is he is moving that direction. He likely feels that he needs to do that to remove the guilt of the infidelity and be free to do whatever he wants no guilt.

Top of the roller coaster again. H came over to play games with the boys and asked me to play too. Friends invited me out to dinner tonight and found out they invited him too and he is coming as a surprise for me. I don't know what anything means. It's all highs and lows. I'm just waiting for the next blind side. Am I now so pessimistic? He wants to go out with me and I am thinking next week ill get served. He still feels our marriage has been bad and he has been miserable for the past 12 years (I didn't ask, he twisted that into conversation) but then why the heck does he want to be around me at all? I asked him today if he has heard from his family. Nope. He spoke to his parents on Christmas and New Years for a few moments and that was it. He says they are giving him space. I asked how he felt about it and he said it would be nice to know they cared. They always deal with everything by giving space and not talking about it.

Oh one question I had then, if he is feel that way that giving space = not caring is he feeling that way about me too?

hi and you know, i honestly wonder about this.

knowing this man (well, as i THOUGHT i DID) i cannot fathom it all- even after a couple years of what i would consider pure torture.

he manages to act like ; heh, heh, tra la - all is right in the kingdom. i'm havin fun, i'm doin this and that- don't ask - don't tell-

i cannot see it. i do know he does not jump in and cut me loose- i do know he lied and lied for God alone knows how long- i do know he said he thinks i should stay in his life and he "cares a great deal" about me.

I DO KNOW he did not say his life would be empty without me. he did not say he loves me- and cannot imagine his life without me in it. he did say in not so many words that if i went straight to an ultimatum- he'd probably go with her.
that he did think he "could have it all".

to me- honestly- i'd like to believe he's in a quandry and suffering because i am the guy who thought for a long time it was some kind of "thing" he was going thru and i could ride it out and help by being there. he was/is screwing around and unrepentent. it's about him having fun. i just cannot see it.

some days i feel nuts- it pushes me to that point. i know, the detach bit- by virtue of the fact that we are all "still here" - we're (none of us) totally detached. (mho) so they push us til our brains explode-

if the pain and agony we go thru isn't comparable to this mlc- i don't know what is. can their "pain" be worse than this that THEY CHOOSE to thrust upon us? it's cruel- it's done with intent and full knowledge - it's a very very bad thing.

i know i sound like an awful rat- i am a girl who feels suddenly like for whatever reason - nothing we've ever done or felt or devoted to these people is "enough". no matter what we give or do- they want more- they need more. they have no regard for what they're doing to others.

i'm sorry- i do happen to think you are a wise and clear-thinking person out there in db land- today, i don't know what to think. i kind of hope you're rite- maybe it gives us some "purpose: to our torment. (other than me just feeling like a stupid jerk who is deluded (as i've apparently been for 35 years) (why would it be different now? i wonder...

confused & cranky (hey, maybe i should change my name) hopefully this awful outlook & mood will go. impending family meltdown weighing heavily on me today. sorry man...

oh gosh hopper-

good luck and hope it works for you. this no sleep business is just awful- totally rules how my day goes. last nite i slept awful and my jaw is so oooo sore (must have been clenching it) i can't 4even eat these damn oreos! i mean- how does one cure oneself wthout being able to eat goodies???

i too spend too much time figureing, wondring, so on. it stinks. i'm waaaay better than a couple years ago (when found out what a giant giant rat from hell he was) but not cured (unfortunately. i don't know how we hurry it- and save ourselves.

i'm having the bad feeling tht if we're here- we are just the type of people that will need to see it thru til the bitter end. that somehow we need the knowledge and closure that comes with having given it eery possible chance - over and over til our eyes bleed.

i am not saying i like this about me- i'm just thinking it may be who i am.

i am not runniny away anywhere - tho i think about it alot. i am standing my ground- whatever the heck it means. this h has been my life for most of my adult life- i cannot shut it off like a faucet. no matter how richly deserved it is (revenge).

oh well- sorry i'm not uplifting girl today- maybe tomorrow. i'm less "in a fog" - i'm more able to enjoy things i used to enjoy- plan a project around the house- enjoy a visit with a friend- i guess we heal in the end no matter what. (well, or let ourselves go nuts and i do not think any of us want to allow that).

hang in there- best ofluck- i'd say continue to come here and rant like mad when it's "bad". it's saved me many a time- just thinking people out there understand my pain and betrayal - and i mean EXACTLY what i feel- somehow it helps to know i'm not alone.

you know- i have been having a feeling that this is shoving me into some sort of mlc too. snodderly is aghast and says it's an awful thing to feel- maybe my sitch is not exactly the mental anguish of a mlc (i don't see it with my h - perhaps i'm blind ) - but it's definitely SOMETING changing me inside. my heart- my feelings - my tolerance- i do not know.

they are probably guilt ridden- so sorry but their choice. i think guilt was what motivated my h for years to be so awful- it began with quitting smoking- morph3ed into a edgy ratty personality- stupid me- i didn't even ever think (cheating). i was blind- soooo trusting.

i think once he knew i knew- all of a sudden he is mr pleasant. not loyal and "true" but not edgy and fightie. i have no idea what goes on in his head. i hope he does something positive before i either hate him or get my own life and leave him in a cloud of dust. honestly i fear the day i walk away because i do not think i will be the person to ever ever EVER look back. if he pushes me that far- no backs. i don't think he gets it- i feel bad for him being such a fool - when i don't want to back the car over him.

oh well- sorry to rant- good luck- it's sure the most awful thing i can think of that's ever happened in my life. good for you having the kids to keep ya grounded- it's important i thinkt oget outside ourselves whenever possible. if i could ONLY CONQUER the nights when my brain is my enemy!!

onward & upward.

oh man-

i want that - i want YOUR mlc. so far- i am moderately productive-creative giant bump on a giant log.

how long exactly did it take you to recover your sanity and get up and go? i am at odds with everyone in my family- and maybe the world alot.

oh well- maybe next week i will meet an old age rugby team to drink with(yeah rite). goofy & sad me- there's no where i want to go and no one to go with.

i'm keeping you in mind- i like your post and it's an inspiration for us all (fingers crossed).

So Sat night was a bit weird. After him saying he was coming as a surprise for me or for the group, whatever, he shows up and barely acknowledges me. I smiled at him, and he just went on talking with the guys. Dinner was fine, convo was fine and normal, but then when we were all saying goodbye and standing around, he hugged people, told people he loved them, and then just walked away ahead of me to his car. He didn't hug me or tell me goodbye or anything. It was super awkward, not just for me, but for everyone else there. So I don't hear from him at all until 5pm the next night, and he sends me a text saying that he's sorry if he ruined my night and that it felt like I didn't want him there and he'll not bother me anymore. I asked him what gave him that impression and he said he didn't know but just felt that way that I didn't want him there and that's okay. I told him he barely acknowledged me and didn't say goodbye to me and just walked away. He said that I was out of range when saying goodbye and that we both just felt the same way. I told him that I waited for him and that he is the man, and I'm expecting if he wanted to say goodbye to me he would. He said point taken. So frustrating. Then he keeps putting songs up on Facebook and it's like he is talking in code to me. I wish he would just tell me something if he wants to tell me something.

They do this, it seems. I swear W was "talking code" to me by her various decorating things, then there is hrm and her H's toothbrush migratory patterns...try to find the humor or "scientific inquiry" aspect of it, it helps the sanity factor...
T^2

Seriously! I'm like how am I suppose to know if you're talking to me or some other woman or talking out of your mind? I'm very glad I got the chance to say, hey you're the man, and I'm going to let you take that role. I'm sure he's not timid when it comes to other women.

Help me with the "hrm" one.

So I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, and H does too. It's helped me keep things light. I've been able to joke around him him some and make him laugh. Like one night he asked if he could take some hand soap and toilet paper, and I got him those plus a box of Kleenex. When he asked what that was for I told him for when he cries himself to sleep at night, and he laughed.

But one he did not like at all was he was retelling me that told me S8 asked him if he ever wanted to go back and be a kid again, and he said no, not really, but maybe go back and be a teenager now with the confidence he has now. I said, "oh isn't that what you're doing right now?" He was not impressed. Quit ticked actually, and responded with an emphatic no. He told him I was just teasing him, but he did not find it funny in the least. However, I slept brilliantly that night.