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Here's an update...

We had another chat session. During the session it became clear to me that H is NOT serious about building a new relationship with me but rather wants to get me to see that if I just do what he asks we could get back together.

I pointed out to him in a friendly way that in the past 2 months he has promised to do 4 things:

- Call me when he got to his parents to let me know he arrived
- Write to me
- Quit posting on a toxic website
- Put together a bullet-point list of reconciliation criteria

He has done NONE of these things. I pointed out that these were not actions I requested but that he stated he would do. I told him that I will no longer reach out to him. I reminded him that he has my phone number and address so he knows where to find me.

He tried to redirect attention back to me "exiling" him. Well, I reminded him that sneaking away when I'm not home is not exiling.

So I got off the chat. I never got angry even though he kept trying to say that I was angry. He was trying to deflect back to old arguments. I wouldn't bite.

He said he would call this weekend to show sincerity but I've already decided that I don't expect him to so I'm done.

I think he would be perfectly happy to stay where he is and chat with me online for months until I offered to buy him a plane ticket and agree to let him come back, not have to work a job, and take all the blame for his bad feelings.

Anyway, not sure if I will go dark. I certainly must do LRT at this point because he's playing a game with me.

Ideas??????

Update....got an unexpected bouquet of flowers from H for St. Valentine's Day. But the promised phone call never came.

On a totally outrageously surprisingly note got a call about a job a few days ago and have an interview for Tuesday. This is totally out of the blue as I really hadn't been looking. The $$$ is much needed to pay off some debts and maybe work towards more stability for me and the children. I consider this job opportunity the foundation of my GAL activities.

Yes I was committed to being home with the kids but we must have more income and H cannot be counted on for that. We drove to the job location today just to see where I need to go and not be late. The kids were impressed. It'a big regional bank (not one of the evil ones) and the job could be very stable for me. The pay is excellent. It would really boost our standard of living and allow me to pay off debts. And the best part is that I do it without H.

Also, gearing up for a very important step with my church--confirmation. I'm going to be studying for that. It's very exciting because the bishop performing the confirmation is a personal "hero" of mine. Me and my children will be together. This will be one of the most important days of my life. Too bad H won't be there--he really had no interest so it's better he isn't there to ruin it with his cruddy attitude.

I'm not missing him at all.

I did make the decision to go dark for 30 days.

Another update. Again, another day with no sign of the promised phone call. I am grateful for that because it really confirms that my instincts are still working. Just imagine how awful I would feel right now if I had believed he would call and had waited on it......

I'm getting excited about a new future. One that I don't have to worry about making sure I don't do anything that would make H feel less like a man (like getting a job, paying the bills on my own, going on a vacation without him). It's like a quit living so that I wouldn't make him feel bad about his own failures to be mature and take responsibility.

I'm thinking more about the mistakes I have made not just in this relationship but in others. I do have amends to make to some people for my own growth. I think hand written letters are in order.

I'm enjoying my kids because I may not be with them full time much longer (if I go back to work). Trying not to stress about $$$ problems. I trust in God to provide what we need. I am now committed to going it on my own for now.

I feel comfortable and at peace with going dark. Definitely not feeling frantic anymore. That compulsive feeling to talk to H has passed. I'm sure it will return at some point but I plan to be more self-confident and busy.

I've been eating very healthy but still need to drink more water and go to bed earlier.

Re-reading DR. Each time I read it I get more detail. My focus right now is 1) GAL and 2) going dark. I don't want to take on much more.

I decided to send a brief message to H thanking him for the flowers just to be polite. I am disappointed though that he didn't reply back.

Am I missing something vital here? I don't understand this start/stop, hot/cold, yes/no stuff from him. Last time I talked with him (last week) he was so insistent that he's serious about reconciling and wants me to believe him. But I don't understand his lack of communication. He's NEVER acted this way before. It's really making me think that he does not want to reconcile and that I just need to move on from this M. I don't want to waste my time and lose my self-respect in the process.

I would love some feedback here. My H gets upset when I push him away but look at what he does......I'm not feeling sorry for myself but I just don't understand his aloofness.

This doesn't look to me like the behavior of a man who wants to be back with his wife. To me this looks like a man saying "I don't love you or like you. Go away and leave me alone."

What the heck was the point of the flowers with the card that says "With love...."

I'm totally confused. I want honest behavior. Words matching action, action matching words. I am not getting this.

Help?????????

^

Got this message from H this morning:


Encouraged that he at least wrote this. I've finally realized a few things about him:

1) If he's upset he doesn't feel the obligation to follow through on promises or duties (feelings trump values).

2) He is a much more emotional person than I and takes longer to recover and gets upset easier.

I suppose it's better that I learn this now than never. I'm surprised that he was honest to even tell me this much. It's more than I would have gotten in the past. I like the fact that he is owning that he didn't call when he knew he promised. I also like the fact that he admitted it was his emotional state and not manipulation or game playing that stopped him from calling.

So I do consider this some kind of progress. I will wait for him to contact me.

I went on the job interview today. I was running late and I decided half way there to not go. I figured they wouldn't want me if I was late. But I changed my mind and called my agency. They said to go anyway. The hiring manager didn't seem upset. I did admit that I misjudged the amount of time it would take so I took responsibility. It was a good interview and I definitely can do the job. The company appeals to me. Yes, I would like this job. I'm prepared to accept it if they offer. I'm also prepared to not be offered the job. I'd be OK with that too.

I'm studying for my upcoming confirmation. I'm very excited about that.

I've been eating well and have lost 5 lbs in 3 weeks. I still need to get more sleep. I've started drinking more water.

I've also been continuing to read DR. Had an epiphany yesterday that H will never become the person I want him to be. I need to accept that he's never going to be an alpha male/leader. I need to accept that he's never going to be the moral pillar of my church. I need to accept that he's never going to make more money than me (unless I don't work and that causes other problems). I need to accept that he's never going to want to have a child with me. I need to accept that his health is not great. I need to accept that he's always going to be overemotional. I need to accept that he's always going to be wistful about his past. I need to accept that he likes being away from me. I need to accept that he is who he is.

Just for today trying to stay focused on hopefulness. My financial sitch is beginning to get precarious. There are a few things I can do to maybe generate a little extra $$$. It's really sinking in with me how rotten the economy is. I think I may be spending almost 50% of my income on food.

I did get feedback that my interview went well and I've asked for the job. I felt really at ease with the ladies who interviewed me and I would be working with them. Of course they are interviewing other people but at least I know I did my best and that the company had a favorable impression of me.

My kids are doing well in school (I always take that as a sign that they are happy and secure).

H never did call or anything even though he said he would. Kinda upset because it dredges up bad feelings about all the things he has said he would do over the past 4 years and didn't follow through.

Still no word from H.

Just going about my business. 2nd interview for a job today. My recruiter said they do want to hire me but no offer yet. Patience.

Been doing a lot of thinking about my failures as a W. One thing that was pointed out to me is that I NEVER showed H any respect. A wise gentleman told me recently "Women want love; men want respect." I've been thinking about opportunities I had to show respect and I didn't. I need to think more about how I can start showing respect to H. This was specifically one of his complaints to me -- that neither me nor my sons respected him. So that's one place I can start with my changes.