Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAS About-Face - Or - When The FOG Finally Lifts

This is a great thread. The honesty here is breath taking. I only wished I had gotten to it before BD day. I and W have both been to individual counseling, and MC....and never were any of these easy to understand and clear thoughts brought out.

Thank you all.

This is an excellent thread! My wife is a WAS and is also having an affair. I made many of the mistakes listed in the list because at first you just don't understand. You panic get angry and lash out. It's important to get control of your emotions quickly!!

I've been seperated for 3 months now and have taken full responsibility since two weeks after our seperation. I'm seeing positive signs my wifes anger and resentment are slowing fading away. The first month when we communicated was just her lashing out at me and finding negatives in everything. This is important to shutup and just take it. My wife has since then basically given up with the negativity and is now trying to ignore me even though I do get the occasional thank you for a positive compliment.

I would say rules in this order:
1. Control your emotions this way you react with thought
2. Be patient, kind, and loving
3. Law of attraction. be attractive

Thank you this thread has been a life saver for me. I can totally understand the cycle we were stuck in. I've wanted to know the WAS side but no one would tell me or knew. We could not communicate in the end...and we still can't now. I have been doing ALL the wrong things. ALL OF THEM! I think it's my gut reaction. I want to change all that, but I don't know how now that we have been divorced 2-1/2 years out and 1,000 miles apart with my D (disabled now) to keep us connected.

He is visiting in 3 weeks only for the weekend. I'm a wreck since this would be a chance to connect some how. He has already told my D to tell me he wants peace and no games. As I've said I've done all the things not to do. He actually calls me "Angry" as if that's my first name. Very hurtful. I can see now why he's was so angry with me. I always tell him I'm not angry just really hurt.

He's seeing the OW he met while going through our separation. Yes, his "soulmate". I don't believe him though. Our marriage may have fallen apart for all the obvious reasons, but I can't help but believe the love is there.

I have had to move on and am doing very well with my new life. Made changes that he has already noticed both physical, spiritually, and some what emotionally (I've slipped serveral times).

With his impending visit I'd like to open the line of communication between us. Do you think a letter would help? And what exactly should I say and what to NOT say.

At one point last month during a brief texting bout we came pretty close to communicating with both of us understanding each other. However, as a read the last part of our conversation of acceptance and moving on. I had to put in that I still think he's a smuck for leaving our marriage in our tramatic chain of events for his new life and girlfriend. BAM blew up in my face. ARGH.

Then I found this site!! Please help me to do my 180, PMA, and detachment. I truly am working on myself. I want my marriage but I still at this point have a problem with him leaving for OW (which he denies) from work and is still with her. It is a long distance relationship for him. They live about 1,000 miles apart also. Except he sees her every other weekend; they go back n forth. He sees her all the time yet visits his daughter who he was very close with at one time only twice a year. I've told him he's become a Holiday Dad! Terrible I know that now. True but not a way to win his heart back.

Anyways, any advice on his visit would help me immensely. I even thought of asking him to stay at our place since he is coming down with our S (20 yr). He plans to only be here about 3 days. I even thought maybe he stay here with my D and I leave and take a mini vacation. But then I feel I still need boundries which I have never had with him. I can go on and on. Please help me be prepared.

Thank you.

I'm apologize I didn't mean to take over this thread. There is so much insight here from LostinScared, I just got carried away and desperate for answers. Please see my posts to respond.

This will be the hardest thing, but you have to act like he is not seeing OW. Act as if you are still married. Don't argue, be kind, most important let all your actions be lead by love.

Make sure you look your best!

Jeff751 - so when he visits I act like were still married and offer to make dinner for him and the kids and invite him into my home? To act like he didn't just return from a 10 day trip to Europe with OW and that's probably all he has to talk about?

I thought if I just act the part and not be bitter or accusatory or angry, and just ignore the OW, he may see the family togetherness and miss it.

He may see how much his D needs him in her life and that he's missed so much in her recovery.

IDK. I'm confused as to embrace his visit or ... go DARK. Let him know I'm busy and made plans and for him to just go and do stuff with the kids.

Confused. I have nothing but love for him and have always told him that. I have been blaming and accusatory in the past and he hates to even talk to me because the texting war gets out of control. So 180 would be to embrace the visit. He knows I love him and never wanted this.

He also tells be all the time that the OW wasn't the reason he left...but was immediately in relationship with her.

Ranting... give me advice.

One more topic of WAS...how do they come up with "I'm just not happy. Everyone deserves to be happy." This one always threw me for a loop. And then I get, "Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you?" Yeah, right after 21 years it took them that long to figure it out?

Just overthinking and trying to overcome my own worst enemy...my thoughts replaying over and over.

Def thank you for sharing. I'm a LBS and that was very helpful.

My H is about to become a WAH, and I am in shock. We are in the same house, in LIMBO... he is not sure whether he wants to separate or stay together. He looks so confused/distant/sad. How long can a couple stay in this limbo, of not knowing whether to separate or live together? Can this go on for years? Everyone has stated to give him all the space and time he needs.

If it weren't for this forum I would have already given him the 'ultimatum': tell me if you are staying or going! It is taking all of my strength right now not to do that!!!!

Thanks Op for the great insight for WAS. It really open up my eyes to what is really happening to my W right now.