Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DB'ing my way into a new life-by Tori

Ruby, maybe you won't have to initiate. Think positive.

Would I change this journey? YES. I would've rather learned before I got on the journey instead :-)

I'll ask the coach about the alimony thing. Thank you for your feedback.

And for all of those of you who have anger inside (which is a lot of us,) try kickboxing! I tried it and LOVED IT. I imagined the OW every time I kicked and punched. There's a move in which you supposedly grab someone by the knees, knock them down, and punch them on the ground. Sorry to say, but imagining the OW made my workout so much more intense and I felt no anger afterwards. It works! Plus you'll get fit in the process.

Quick update. I asked my H whether he would be around on his birthday so I could drop off his present---decided to give him the present after all. He said he wouldn't be but accepted the alternative; to meet up where he works. I asked if he preferred going to lunch or just meeting up for a minute' to give him the present. He chose lunch. So we'll see how that goes. I'll leave the agreement convo for after his bday.
Part of me wants to see him, and another part dreads it... it's weird.

When you meet for lunch, remember - calm, open, listening and assertive.

Things I have to remind myself, regardless of where we are in our journies.

Tori, can you plan something for after your lunch with your H that you know will be supportive and nourishing for you? Can you see someone you really trust and enjoy or do something for you?

It might be nice to have something planned that you know will be nurturing for you after what is bound to be an emotional and probably taxing time with your H--no matter how it goes.

I can really understand how ambivalent you feel about seeing him.

I like VeryGrateful's advice.

Thank you, VG and Wendylon!

I have to go back to work after lunch with my H, but I don't think it'll be a taxing time. After all, I'm seeing him to give him a nice b-day present and cookies I baked for him. How much nicer can I be? So he'll be glad to see me. If he asks about the L or D papers, I'll tell him we should talk about that some other day. I want to talk to my coach before I discuss any of this with him.

I dread seeing him bc I feel so hurt. Even after kickboxing, I still have some leftover anger, and that general feeling of sadness and emptiness that comes with being abandoned by your H. But I'll have to get over it. He started sending the freedraw drawings again--no comments attached to the drawings this time. This gives our R a sense of "normalcy" within the new normal.

I will be authentic, though, and not fake that I'm super happy. I'll be clear that this is a hard time but I'm making the best out of the situation and continue learning. I will be calm and positive, and will listen. And will wish him a very happy b-day. I wonder what he'll be doing and with whom. Last year we spent the day together, even though he had moved out. It was nice. The year before we spent it together too, even though he had also moved out and had just started having sex with the OW--double ugh. So I guess this yr is a little better than 2 yrs ago.

Listening to Wayne's CD's really helps. If Wayne went through the same and ended up being such a spiritual master, I can end up in a better place too. I'm seriously thinking about writing a book to guide people who are going through this. I think there's a market for it, and I've learned so much.

Tori2012, the main thing I can offer is a big (((((( ))))))

Cookies are fine. But also put on your favorite lipstick. What about cleavage? And smile at him, occasionally. Not as a fake - just knowingly. And remember: there's nothing to lose, he's gone already. No need to feel awkward. You can only win.

Thank you, Longrun. Big hug back to you :-)

Your suggestions made me smile. My H thinks makeup is "gross," so I never really wore makeup. But now I'm starting to get into lipstick and bought my first mineral makeup a few weeks ago. Cleavage? When your bra size is 34 AA, cleavage is not the most realistic option :-)

The smile? I am always smiling, even when I'm not happy. My IC used to asked me why I was smiling when I was talking about something painful--so I started being self-conscious of over smiling.

Your post made me realize that my image might be too "sweet." Too "cute." I remembered some guys in college passing by me and saying to each other: "Nope. Too cute." I've got to bring up the sexy, wilder side of me.

Thank you for your last words. It's true. Nothing to lose marriage-wise.

Evening Tori.

Many of your recent postal have a brought a SMILE to my face.

Here are the top 3
3. Cleavage, it's not the most realistic option
2. Kickboxing.
1. I will be authentic....super happy.

3. It is what is behind the cleavage that matters most
2. I may have to try that.
1. Obviously this is a tough time, so to read that, and know you can do that is simply amazing.

((((( )))))

Wow, Tori,
I can't believe it's been 2 years! It makes me imagine that my journey could be a lot longer than I thought.

You are an inspiration to us here! You have strength and wisdom from your journey. I think if you want to write a book there definitely would be a market for it...I'd buy it!

When are you meeting your H for his bday? GOod luck w the lunch. Just be yourself-your new self. He will start second guessing the decision he's made (probably will over and over and over).

You ARE the woman a man is a FOOL to leave. Unfortunately your H will discover this too late--when he's "grown up" and realized what a fool he was!

((((((((()))))))))))

Kickboxing, cleavage and homemade cookies... does it get any better than this? lol

Yes, smile and be yourself with H tomorrow. And be sure at a few opportune moments in the conversation to look deep into his eyes, into his soul. I guarantee he'll see something he remembers, something that he's going to miss.

Another chapter for your book.

Oh, and some of us guys like 'em small and cute.