The challenge about Piecing is (and I think credit goes to ol' Jack Three Beans on this one) that nearly the entire skillset that was required to DB (and especially if there was infidelity involved) . . . is not only NOT applicable in Piecing, it's actually nearly the OPPOSITE of what's called for!!!
"Filling their love bank" and "speaking their love language," while there is OM/OW contact, is "pursuing." When you're piecing, it's REQUIRED, and you gotta have the patience of Job with it. That's just one example -- there are many, many more.
In general, most people when dealing with affairs are too EASY; and when piecing are too HARDAZZ.
I've been struggling with this ^^^^ for a while. Starsky are there particular books you would recommend for us in Piecing?
It's just about any of the books you WANTED to read in Newcomers and Infidelity . . . but shouldn't have, LOL.
On boundaries, I think that "Boundaries" by Townsend is the authoritative book on the subject. It's excellent. On communication issues, I highly recommend a Retrouvaille retreat, if your spouse will go with you. On starting to re-fill each other's emotional banks and feeding their love language, I recommend Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" and Harley's classic "His Needs, Her Needs." I think MWD also has a program called "Keeping Love Alive." I'm not familiar with it, but there is a sub-forum and links for it here on this site.
Hope that helps. Read Jack Three Bean's "Advice for Piecing" thread above, too.
Oh, and just about the single best thing I've ever read on boundaries didn't come from a book or a program, but from a friend of mine on another marriage forum. This is how she put it:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
This morning H asked me to ask my dad to let us borrow money. He is aware of my reservations about this but said we are very behind financially and will be able to pay him back next month.
After he left I thought a lot about why it bothers me so much. 1-I know my dad will say yes since he's offered before. 2-I know H will pay him back 3-I know my dad won't hold it over my head (since we'll pay him back) However there was still something bothering me...
I realized I don't feel comfortable asking my father for money when H has not fully committed to the relationship. He says he wants to come back and has shown steps towards coming back, etc. BUT I am not completely convinced.
In other words, I don't want to feel like a doormat.
I called H this morning and told him that I would be more than willing to ask my father for the money but need to know he is fully committed to reconciling. I would need to see a letter from him to OW. I want to see that he is ending communication with her family and friends and her because he is working on his marriage. I will edit the letter as I see fit and mail it out myself. When I see the letter, then I will call my dad.
He said ok. He was here tonite and didn't mention the money or the letter... I'm not going to assume but if he decides not to write the letter, I'm seriously ok not reconciling.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
You may want to also ask to see a complete list of these debts and expenses. Desperate people do desperate things, and his timing is suspect. Who does the finances in your family?
