Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

There have been some threads on retrouvaille recently and the timing of it and I started thinking of you Regret. I think this is exactly the time it's useful. You're both unsure how to fix it, but you both want to. I think that's when you can really get the most out of the program.

Same here. I often tell my H that he should have married a young, ditzy woman who just looks up to him and agrees with every idea he has. I really don't know the solution to this one but I certainly recognise the problem.

I'd be wary of trying to communicate verbally with him about everything. Maybe mull some things over here on the board as opposed to getting him to express why he reacts in certain ways. He may not know the answer himself and getting someone to communicate loads can feel like lots of pressure. I know that I've got fed up in the past when a boyfriend has been on my case about communicating better. It puts me off. Maybe you can try things and gauge from his response how successful your strategy is.

I'm so excited you're back in your bed. What's it like? Expect things to improve very, very slowly with setbacks.

Well, being in my bed has its pluses and minuses. The huge is that it's way more comfortable and it's nice to be near H. The minus is that he snores like a son of a gun and we gotta get that fixed. It is awful for both of us.

First time with new MC today. We'll see how it goes.

Went to the new MC today. I hope we hit the jackpot this time. He seems like a good fit for us - much more direct and proactive than the last guy. I'd even call him tough, which is what I think we need. He asked direct, challenging questions to both of us. Felt much less one sided, although now that H is in a different frame of mind, that might have had something to do with it. This particular MC was recommended to us because he "has balls."

Even H said, "He's much better than [first MC]." So there you go. H also said, "It would be amazing if I could have a great relationship with the mother of my children." He actually apologized for that sounding selfish. I told him if we could get to that point it would be a win for all of us!

I don't want to push Retrouvaille at the moment. We've just decided to R and just started with this new MC so let's breathe that in for a while, read a few books and see what happens. It's been 7 months of estrangement so I think maybe we ought to start getting used to each other again for a start.

I, at least, am feeling pretty good about things. It is nice not to have to think about everything in terms of "when H leaves and when I'm single." Now we are planning a ski trip, talking about summer vacation. It is nice not to be dealing with all of that tension.

Sounds great Regret. Really happy for you.

At this point, I don't have much to offer as I have not R with W, but I'll pop in to offer support. Keep going!

Well I can see that one of my biggest challenges is going to be "falling in love" again. Currently, I'm not feeling much. I'm not angry, at least, but I just kind of feel numb about it all. I had really prepared to move on so I think it's going to take a while to undo that, plus, as has been discussed, I've been mentally out of this R for quite some time. I'm finding it really challenging to get my head back in the game.

I feel that it's going to be quite the uphill battle to change my patterns but I know I have to. I need to try to get back to that mindset where I didn't feel like I needed so much validation from other people. I was pretty much fine for years - for the first 8 years we were together this was not a problem for me.

How do people turn their M's around when there is not a lot of love left?

Read 5 love languages? Daily deposits into each others love tank. When your love tank fills to a certain level, you will begin to feel the love because you are feeling loved. So both of you have to work at it because it is his effort that helps you, and your effort that helps him.

I would do old home videos and old cards you gave each other if you have any. But I might be wrong, maybe it's too early.

Better to wait for comments from people who are passes piecing.

Hang in there. It will take time.

I would also suggest looking into Alisa Bowman. Look up her book. It's a great compliment to DB.

The other mindset I have to get out of is "H is the enemy." I realize now that I automatically assume (most of the time) that he's against me or doing something that he "shouldn't" be doing. Who is he talking to? Where is he going? Why is he doing that? Etc...

Not sure why I am so suspicious. Maybe this all started over the summer after our bomb when he started texting and emailing all kinds of women from his past.

One interesting thing came up in our therapy session. He told the MC I was texting with OM2 for "months." Yes, that's true, it was 2 months, technically that's "months." But when you hear something is going on for "months," you think 6,7,8,9 months. Not 2 months. Anyway, that's just an example of how H's word choices make things sound worse than they are.

Idk, maybe this is just the difference in time perception between men and women...of course, I am a guy, so I would agree that 2 months is indeed, "months"...

You recognize the mindset, so you know where to place your energy...I think that this is normal in the beginning for the LBS, after so long of it being the case...I know I have it, it's that the trust isn't yet rebuilt. And that's okay, it'll take some time.

Hang in there, allow things to grow at their own pace...