Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separated, in different states....

My focus the past few days has been trying to figure out if I am the WAW or the LBS. The lifelong pattern is for me to be the WAW. I've done this before to other men and to my H. He left this time because I told him to. It's not my MO to leave my home--I prefer to make the man leave. It gives me more control.

So I guess going dark and being distant and GAL and being independent is NOT what I should be doing? I did reach out to him through IM and he was very receptive. He was upset by GAL type statements I made. They weren't very nice either.

Here's what I'd like to tell him:

- I made a mistake when I said I didn't want to be with you anymore.
- I want to keep our M because I love you and want to continue a life with you.
- I've not been a good W to you and I'm very unhappy with myself about that.
- I need some time and space to figure out how to be a better wife.
- During that time I'd like to have contact with you that is happy and positive.
- When we are both ready I'd like you to come back home for good.

Comments???????????

^

Desperately wanting to reach out to H. Wanting to tell him I was wrong. He probably doesn't care. How many times can you reject someone before they just don't care anymore?

I could make amends and he could still say "That's great. But I'm still moving on."

Wow, this thread just spins me out. You were the WAS, he gave up and left you alone. You tell him you want a D, when what you really wanted was to R??

He most likely will not make the first move. He probably thinks you don't care about him anymore.

If you want him back you need to put your big girl panties on and own up to your mistakes. Maybe a letter or email. You need to let him know you want to work things out.

You need to make sure it's what you want though it's not fair on him if you R, only for you to turn around do the same thing all over again in six months.

You clearly have issues that you need to get to the bottom of or your doomed to keep reliving this over and over again. You said you have kicked you H out every six months and have done that with all of your previous R.

No one will chase you forever, when your treating them like that.
It sounds like you don't think you deserve love. Is that correct? If so, why do you think that is?

^^^SS is right.



It's pretty clear from everything you've posted here and in other threads that you are the WAS.



Correct. Those are for the LBS. They are opposite of what a reforming WAS should do.



Not surprising, because you kicked him out, and now you're telling about how your GAL? The signal you're sending to him is that you are done with him and moving on.



Honestly that all sounds a little contrived, mechanical and unemotional. It sounds like you don't want him back, but you want him to hold himself in reserve in case you change your mind later. If that's the way you feel then leave him alone and move on. But if you really do want him back then try again, and this time get more into your feelings. Talk about your past and how it has affected your actions. Say the things to him that you've disclosed here in your thread. REALLY OPEN UP!!! And for crying out loud, where's the apology? That should be the first line! Apologize for all the hell you've put him through!

Lampstand....

First off, stay with us, don't run away from here. There are people here who can help you work through this. Maybe not in Newcomers, but there are other forums here that can help you recognize what you are dealing with.

Secondly, you are going to take some heat from posters, because you represent that "other" side of things. Take what you need, and discard the rest. Everyone that comes here, wants to heal. And we all deserve that chance..



Mr Bond asked you earlier, what YOU want...

You said to reconcile....

What does that look like to you ???

I don't have a lot of time right now, so I will check back in later...

Think about my question ???

Last night H sent me an IM out of the blue. I kept it very light & breezy (to use a "Rules" term) and had great PMA. He was complaining about his health (typical self-pity talk from him) and I gave lots of sympathy. In the past I wouldn't do that but I figured "Why not". It doesn't hurt me in anyway to say "poor baby" and all that stuff. It's a 180 for me. He wanted to know what was going on in my life (good sign) and I talked about making big decisions. He perked up then. Wanted to know what was keeping me so busy lately (too busy to chase you?). Told him I was faced with trying to start a business or getting a job. We chit chatted about things and then I just put it out there, casually:

"Say, I've had a lot of time to think about things and the truth is that I value our marriage very much. I don't want to end our marriage and I don't want to have separate lives. But I need this time apart to figure things out."

He agreed and then opened up and shared things with me about himself:

"Well, I'd like to establish a better relationship with my daughter. I've been a little open with her about things we've gone through; nothing detailed or scandalizing, but just that we're people with problems. I didn't go into detail or say what exactly those problems were, but it's embarrassing for a parent to admit to shortcomings. I have a problem with articulation, so bear with me...I don't like the idea/habit of running off when there are problems but I don't know where to turn at times.It's just manly man things that I don't do that I should do. For some reason, it takes a long time to get it into my head as to what the right thing is. I always triple check myself when I probably shouldn't. I have a brain and I have guts and the two are in eternal combat."

It was nice that he shared these things and I am glad he's doing some introspection and owned up to these things. However the best news is that I didn't try to psycho-analyze it for him and explain why he does this (another 180--yay!)

We agreed to keep in contact. And...I signed off first. Yay!!!

Baby steps.

So now I know what I need to do. He sees himself as the WAH so that clarifies that I must go very very dark and never pursue. He has "dependent personality" issues so I have to be careful that he isn't trying to set me up to "rescue" him from the consequences of his behavior (running away). I figure in the next few weeks living with mommy & daddy is going to get really boring and tiresome. Valentine's Day is sure to bring a lot of emotion for him as it's always been a special day to him.

So I know what I need to do:

1. GAL!
2. Never contact him first
3. Keep working my program of recovery
4. Move forward in my life AS IF I will never see him again
5. Be receptive to his advances, keeping it brief and maintaining PMA
6. End convo first
7. Let him establish a time table for reconciliation
8. Learn and live Sandi's 37
9. Enjoy my children--they will grow up too soon
10. Keep posting here and reading other's posts

Well that's about it. I feel very good today about these decisions. I feel like I have more direction, more control over myself and my life.

It feels SO GOOD to not need H to come home right now. That is enormous growth for me. I would like to reconcile but not if it means going back to status quo.

Baby steps!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologized about 2 weeks ago in an email. And again last night in our IM. Maybe I forgot to mention it but I did do it. He says he has forgiven me. The important thing is for me to not repeat the same behavior.

Original thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...980#Post2317980

I thought I posted to you earlier today but must have forgotten to hit submit.

Basically it said slow down, let your H figure out his feelings.

You seem to have a lot of stuff going on that you need to figure out. How do you know that once you have him back (if that happens) the whole cycle won't repeat?

He probably wonders that, too.

Work on you, and then work on a R.