I'm sitting here thinking and realize that early on in the R I was doing things for her and the kids b/c I wanted to. As the R went on though I fell into the covert contracts and it went downhill. Since I was doing things in order to try and have a certain outcome I was disappointed when I didn't get that outcome, which then led to resentment, and that further put me in a bad mood and I projected that energy everytime I did do something with or for them.
So now I'm sitting here thinking about texting her, "I want to see you and the kids. Would all of you be able to come over one night this week?"
Text it without expectations, don't get upset if she says no, and don't get too worked up if she says yes. Figure if she says yes then I figure out something for dinner, maybe even a little cake, and give the kids their gifts. If she says no then I just say ok and leave the gifts on the table.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I'm sitting here thinking and realize that early on in the R I was doing things for her and the kids b/c I wanted to. As the R went on though I fell into the covert contracts and it went downhill. Since I was doing things in order to try and have a certain outcome I was disappointed when I didn't get that outcome, which then led to resentment, and that further put me in a bad mood and I projected that energy everytime I did do something with or for them.
This is why I suggested you read up on enmeshment, and co-dependency.
Well, I don't know what to say. I'll let the others say it.
dBing isn't acting on your illogical desires. What do you think the purpose of DBing is? Just to get the spouse back into the home and R? Do you think you will have a long lasting honest and respectful R by acting on your illogical desires?
Yes, it takes 2 to tango. You both need to recognize your issues and mutually work towards fixing them together. One party can't do that.
OK, I hear you. And as I said in the post, I wasn't referring to myself as I haven't posted to you but maybe once. It was more kml and some of those others who took the time to give you some pretty thorough, compassionate posts (in my opinion).
It's your journey, for certain. Just please make sure you understand the difference between "give up" and "moving on." Because the latter does NOT necessarily equal the former, and in fact it's often what you have to do (the old "let go of a bird" thing). It certainly was for me.
I'm pro-marriage, very much so. Just not an "at all costs" guy, and I don't particularly think that's healthy.
Starsky
Missed this...like I've said, I understand it may not work out. I'm Wiccan and realize that sometimes it's the journey that's important and maybe this is all just part of my journey. People keep telling me to just move on...move on...move on.
Seems to me that if that's everybodys advice these days why bother with calling this Divorce Busting, why try to stay together, why not everybody just get the mentality of "move on"? If that's truly the case for DBing, to just make yourself a better person and "move on" under the guise of saving your R, then it is very deceiving.
What drew me to DB was the positivity. The positivity that you can heal the R, heal infidelity, and move on together.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Had to text her about some financial business this morning. Made sure not to do it too early but also did it before work so that message doesn't get confusing. Just kept the text business friendly.
I'm being patient and waiting for a response. I put the gifts out of sight. Once I get a reply to this mornings text, or sometime this evening possibly, I want to text simply, "I'd like to see the kids, will you bring all three over this week or next week?"
If I get a yes then I'll work out logistics. If I get a no then my planned response is, "Ok, birthday gifts for *oldest child* and *baby* will be on the table for you to pick up for them."
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I know how you feel. It's been so hard for me as well. I just want to go home and work things out with my husband. It's been 5 months and no real promise of getting back together. It hurts like hell!!
Heartbroken5 Me:38|H:40 Together: 10 years Married:5 BD: May 2013 No children
I know how you feel. It's been so hard for me as well. I just want to go home and work things out with my husband. It's been 5 months and no real promise of getting back together. It hurts like hell!!
Same here 3 months in. I understand what Zoom is saying and whether we like it or not we're not wired the same way. I know my W like the back of my hand and I know she will take the easy option instead of realising/noticing the changes in me and that makes me sad because then I wished I'd have done some of the things Zoom is talking about, reaching out etc etc. I get DBing to and Im following the path religiously but blimy this no contacting, reaching out business is as hard!
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
What drew me to DB was the positivity. The positivity that you can heal the R, heal infidelity, and move on together.
You can. My wife and I are proof of that. But there are healthy and unhealthy ways of doing it, and there should be healthy limits and boundaries on what we are willing to accept as we walk our journey toward our ultimate goals of saving our marriage.
Hey, I get you. Hell, I WAS you. I ignored everyone's advice for TWO YEARS (and even argued with them), saying "you're wrong about my wife," before I finally got hit by the infidelity truck. A few of us are only trying to save you the pain, bro.
But I can see you want to "ignore the negativity," so I will stop posting on your thread, out of respect. I do wish you well, and sincerely hope I'm wrong, zoom. I really do.
