Being in touch with reality has me a bit down at the moment. Part is due toe telling the neighbor (our Ds are friends so she knew anyways), and that I had to talk with a personal financial person as well as a personal accountant. Just trying to "cya" and see what's what as far as the [b]D[\b]egense side of things.
Fortunately my best friend who knows all of my sich called we chatted for a few which was nice as he has a crazy work schedule and we haven't spoken in several days. It wasn't all about my sich either. Question I did ask him, one that I'm asking now, as I can't truly answer it yet. How come I'm hurting again b/c she already hurt me so much? "love makes us do crazy things" was his answer. I don't know. Maybe its just a wave.
I think the "wave" of emotions is normal when we're going through this. I know I've been going up and down for months. The last 2 days I've felt great, 4 days ago I was miserable and locked myself in my office most of the day and only reason I didn't reach out to W (and make a huge mistake) was because of these boards, a week and a half ago I was so angry with W that I would even say I "hated" her for a few days. From what everyone tells me it will get better so we just have to ride the wave of emotions.
I don't think it's bad to feel hurt. It's normal and probably healthy to allow us to heal. You just have to accept it but not let it control you or what you're doing. Try to get out and do something to get your mind away from sitch for a while (see a movie, read a book, exercise until you can't think anymore, etc...). Earlier this week I went the extreme exercise route and I was too tired to give W another thought.
Keep your head up and continue to work on yourself.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I agree w Spartan. I'm loving it here in CA bc my sitch seems surreal I do know that I might be in for another ride on the roller coaster when I return to Ct. It's normal. Plan something for the future you can look forward to. Trip to the Caribbean? (((((()))))
Aside from the meltdown I had, its been awhile since I've had a wave. A foreign concept. At least so I thought. Anywho. I'm a little better. Here is how. So the neighbor I spoke with told me that my sister took the initial news kind of hard. That surprised me. Not that my SIS doesn't care about me, but we've never been emotionally close. So I called to thank / compliment her. It was one of those tearful moments b/c someone truly cares for me. Why I have such low self worthiness is just one of those ongoing struggles for me. In case I haven't said this yet (maybe too many times throughout my threads), if only I could love me the way I love others. It made me a little angry this time. Anger as in fuel to say "F it". I'm so much better than this. I do deserve more. I deserve to make myself happy. So I Rounded up the kids, (boys got a haircut b/c W asked and I agreed - gotta do what I say and be the man), and we went and bought brownie and cupcake mix and a movie. Baking 180 and kids will have fun. So I'm headed back to the kitchen. This will at least last for the night. My journey consists of sweets for now.
Journaling just a little. Last night went well, the kids and I had fun. The night for us ended up snuggling on the couch. All of us, including the dog. Lol.
I failed to mention yesterday that I was paying bills and checked our account. I noticed more than usual withdrawn and a hotel room. I was angry of course. Were making paycheck by paycheck and here she is spending too much. So I texted her and had me call. W said it was her nights out with her SIL. That one night they drank too much and had to get a room. W accused me of calling to start a fight. Could it have waited, probably but I did it anyways. I explained my concern, not trying to fight. I think she heard me. She did say she would pay it back the cc as she is due extra money from work. She also added that we should do the separate accrue thing. I ended the call on an "i hope you feel ok" b/c evidently all the stress of what we've been going through has caused her bladder issue to reoccur.
So I don't necessarily want a D (as if I have a say in it as I'm sure she is still 100% D), but at least I also know I deserve something better. The latter part is the more important part.
Oh, and Tori, you often compare my W to your H. I see it too. In the email a few days ago she said something along the lines of "if I wanted to go ahead and file to speed up the process she would understand," as she had not filed yet herself.
Andrew, yes, our S's are alike--and so are we. We're the fixers, the ones who take care of things and care for people. They're the free spirits, the fun ones, the ones who want someone else to do the work :-( We'll see if she files. It'll take her a long time to actually do this---my guess.
Yes, you do deserve much better. But I completely understand why you don't want a D. I don't want it either, and my H has behaved like a total jerk. That's what love does...
Yes, that is what love does (builds up / tears us down). We will see when / if she does file and how long it takes her. I wouldn't be surprised if it is sooner than later. W has seemed more motivated and what not, not to mention if she does cash in her wedding ring, she will have more than enough money for an L. That part of the reason why I'm trying to play D, get all my papers (financial) and what not in order.
Yesterday was fair if not good. Light cleaning and laundry for me and the kiddos. D12 had a sleepover at a friends, so the boys and I played video games, watched a Batman movie, and then camped out in the livingroom. I / we were comfy, get I didn't sleep so well due to mixed emotions / thoughts about the sich. Whatever comes of this whole mess, I am certain I will be a better person all around. But since we are in throws of this turmoil, we all know had bad it can be.
Trying to keep an open mind, for what I want / deserve. I did alter FB so I can go on it with little fear of seeing Ws stuff. I didn't notice that her profile is public which means it probably has been for awhile (so OM could see which means 60% may have been an exaggeration on W's behalf). Oh well. I did do a quick search for houses in the kids' school district. Only a few choices, but at least I looked. Also, I'm going to finish my application online for the job today so I can scratch that off my list. Trying to go forward, especially while everything is still uncertain. Trying to control me at least.
hi afa, you are doing so so well to keep moving through the pain.. i remember feeling in a fog and like i was wearing lead boots when i was at your place in the process.
hope you have a nice sunday!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thanks NG. I've worn those lead boots and been in the fog many times. Day by day it changes. I try to out on my good shoes
A few whatevers for today so far... I had to call MIL to see if she would sew on some scout patches for S7. She of course said yes. And asked how I was doing. I said ok considering I out us back ob the "d" track. I also apologized for the mistreatment of her D / W. She accepted and said hopefully all will work out. I know not to listen, not put any "hope" in that. I need to focus on me and prepare for the worst.
The other thing is that W called a few minutes ago. She is evidently on her eat to the Dr. Emerge clinic or an ER due to the amount of pain she is in. Can't walk, spent hours on the toilet "dribbling" painfully. She asked me to look up pharmacy #s. No problem! I'd do that for any friend of mine. Here's a chance to redeem myself, or at least show her the real caring me.
