Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers finding my way

Do you honestly need a list? I'll get you started and you fill in the next 150 reasons!

1) He thought those exact same things about you at one time, probaly a lot more.
2) The kids he will be raising will be his own
3) you two have history, family, friends, home, etc.
4) You are a beautiful caring woman who is willing to better herself in order for him to be with you!

Now, stop questioing yourself, GTO. I will give you one more on the list and then you get to finish it. Pay attention to this one....accept....own it...live it

5)He won't be able to find anyone better than you!
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
..........
........
......

Wow, sucker!
Thanks a bunch for giving me a positive twist on a 2x4. I needed it!

I think I'm in a phase where I am questioning my own self-worth and putting far too much blame on myself. I own my part in the failure of my M. I think I can pretty much pinpoint where I went wrong...

I just feel like my H is so far gone in his head w OW that until he "lives his fantasy out" to find out it is just that--a fantasy, that he will not come back to me.

And so my 180s although have been noticed have not made any difference in H's actions since BD. In fact his words seem to be indicating he is moving further and further away. Tonight he said to boys on phone "I'm glad you have a nice house to live in." Not I'm glad we have a nice home. All of a sudden he's referring to our home as "your house."

I know not to believe what he says, but if we can't believe anything they say and only 1/2 of what they do, then what DO we believe? Where is the reality for us, the LBSs?

I tell you where for me. My H has a OW he loves (for a year now). He has moved out of our home (for about 3 months). He is no longer interested in talking w me about anything other than kids. He seems like a stranger in my H's body to me!

After 20 years together it is just so.....unreal. Sad.

It is unreal...every morning I wake up and still realize that I am in this nightmare. But it does get slightly easier in time.
You have to believe that you are are AWESOME!!!! As the LBS, I do we believe that we go through our own journey. Like you, I also questioned my self-worth. Then I went on a business trip last summer, after I came back. I decided that I am awesome and even though H is rejecting me, I am still a great person. You will get there too. Think about the positive things you have in life. In time you will also realize how amazing you are and that you are a wonderful mom to 3 boys.

Keep reading all the success stories. It helps to see how horrible peoples stories started out and then how they ended up. Its never a guarantee but it does help me cope.

I agree, great point/list suckerpunch.



That's fine, but don't accept all the blame, he wasn't perfect either.



That may be, but you don't really know. They almost always have a little doubt about leaving us. Find out where his is and build on it.



Time to try something different. What do you have to lose?



Yes it is, and you'll kill yourself trying to figure out how he could throw it all away, so stop trying. Get busy on you, girl!

Where's that tough TG? Don't make me bust out the lumber.

Good! Then you've GROWN. Now quit beating yourself up! Who among us has never made a mistake? The mark of value is when one can learn from their mistakes and grow/ transform into a better person because of them. That's what makes us who we are! Personal growth occurs THROUGH mistakes, not in spite of them!



You have to accept that possibility. That's why you have to make this about you, you cannot control your H or OW but you can control you. I wrote my M off and moved on, that's when W started showing signs of interest again. Same thing happened to Denver, he was even referring to his W as STBXW in his posts, that's how far gone he thought things were. But the key is you have to REALLY be THAT detached, not pretending you're that detached. You have to detach to the point that you know you will be fine with or without your H.



But have they made a difference in YOU?



The reality is that we NEVER know what their state of mind is. My W was seemingly calm, cool and collected for all these months, apparently confident in her decision to leave. At least, that's what I thought, right up until RetroV when she admitted that she has been crying constantly since moving out. She's been miserable. WAS's are brilliant actors. Talk about acting "as if", they are the masters!



Believe me, I relate to your pain and confusion. I constantly asked myself how this could be happening to us after 25 years. How can a relationship go that long and suddenly implode? But it happens. People change, even after decades. Accept that it may be over and prepare yourself for life after. But hold some hope in your heart anyway.

Last 3 posts probably will say it better than me but you have to stop being so hard on yourself. I understand how you're feeling because I'm very hard on myself as well but it's never helped me with respect to my emotions. You are a good person and your H is an idiot! Try to stop worrying about what he's thinking or doing. Your focus needs to shift to 100% you.

Remember why we DB, it to make YOU a better person and the person YOU want to be and a person only a fool would leave. The HOPE for most of us is that it will save our M but when we DB we know we'll be ok on the other side and be better people because of it no matter what the final outcome is. You are a great person!!!

The reality for us LBS's is that for numerous reasons our S's made a decision that has changed our lives. It is our choice to become better, stronger people because of it. Your reality has nothing to do with your H's thoughts or actions anymore, the reality is you are a better person now then you were and you will continue to grow every day. No matter what happens believe in yourself, we all do.

Thanks, roses, FY, AS & Spartan,

I definitely needed a little boost!

Today we had our first FC session which started as C talking to both my H & I (w/o boys). She asked about our sitch. No new news or surprised from H (thank God). Then she talked to all 3 boys together just to meet them.

She said she thought S9 was definitely very bright (concerned his age & his understanding of our sitch). She asked boys why they thought their dad left S13 said "Because of G-ma dying." I was shocked this is what he thought, but it made sense b/c H left a few months after she passed.

She suggested meeting w each of the boys separately b/c of their ages & their different reactions to our S. I am okay w that. S13 wanted to know if he had to go back (as he doesn't feel like he needs any C).

C did say to me that she thought it must be hard to have H visit the house when I'm there. I agreed. H didn't react to my answer or her question.

When I got home w boys this evening S9 was sad and was very clingy. He didn't want to call his dad a bedtime as is the usual routine now. He cried and asked why dad doesn't want to live w us any more. I assured him his dad loves him very much & his moving out has nothing to do w him or his brothers. I was honest & said, "Daddy doesn't think he loves me any more, so he's not happy living here b/c of that." He doesn't understand. Neither do I, really.

FY & all,

I've not been contacting H at all via email or phone, unless specifically regarding the kids.

I give H space when he is here w boys w me (mostly).

Talk is almost exclusively about boys. No R talk.

I can't say I'm always bright & cheery, but I try to be as positive and nice as possible.

NO CHANGES FROM HIM AT ALL...so, any suggestions about what I could do differently???? Show up on his doorstep in a teddy w a bottle of wine? Send him a sexually explicit email? LOL!
Or, completely shut him down & try to go dimmer/dark?

I need some advice...how do I compete w OW who is still on his golden pedestal?

I have to be honest here, it's been almost a year since I've 'been with' my wife, so just reading your teddy plan sounded like a pretty good idea to me. lol Unfortunately, I don't think your H is in a place where it will work on him. He will see it as desperation, and probably be repulsed by you throwing yourself at him in that way.

I've gone long periods without seeing any changes from my wife. I still feel like nothing I do makes any difference. That's how it is when they are in MLC mode.

I know you were probably half kidding, but considering the way he's disrespecting you, do you really want to reward his behavior with sex? You're worth much more than that.

Keep DB and be proud of yourself.

How you compete is to be the best lil'GTO you can be, and build a happy and fulfilling life for yourself and your kids. You actually have the home court advantage here. You are the mother of his kids, and you live in the marriage house. OW doesn't have that.