Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is this MLC or WAS? Don't know what to do...

BF, you know your H, so if you felt more caring from his part, it's probably true. It seems your H is having a MLC, which you probably had already determined.

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well. Have you felt like this for a while? Do you ever get a really "good day?" You need those good days. What brings you joy? Write down at least five things, and post them. Then, do one of them...this weekend! Even if it's to get a bubble bath or to eat a warm brownie topped with ice cream. Whatever it is, do something that brings you joy this weekend.

This is not easy. Try to step out of the situation and think of something else at least during part of the day.

Big hug to you.

Tori, thank you for the encouraging words and a hug. My H is generally a caring person. He would say these words to the friends. This is why I’m not overly excited. However, he didn’t say this on some occasions in the last few months, even though there was an opportunity. I don’t know if it makes sense. Last time I was going to our vacation home on my own he just said “have fun”, but didn’t tell me to drive careful. Maybe I’m just over analyzing it too much. Like I said I didn’t have any contact with him in a month before this phone call, so every word in our conversation mattered.

I’m not sure if he is having MLC. AnotherStander made a comment before that it doesn’t sound like MLC. If it, it is not a typical MLC. He didn’t start buying any youthful clothing, didn’t start going to the gym (even though he needs it…). On the opposite, it looks like he downgraded his lifestyle. He started wearing flip-flops, even when he was traveling on the plane. He would never do it before, he always wanted to look respectable. I also don’t have any knowledge of him making friends/dating younger girls, except this girl, the relative of our friends. She is 32. But, even then I have no proof if there anything developing any further there.

Thinking back, about his moodiness… Now I think that he did have an EA last summer, even though he might not thought about it this way. He presented it as being very good friends with that woman who’s phone number showed a lot on the phone records and who I confronted him about when he told me ILYBNILWY.

I do have good days. I’m generally very confident that I would do just fine without him. But, I find myself missing him a lot recently. At the same time, when I remember that he told me ILYBNILWY and now is trying to start a new relationship with a 32 year old, I tell myself that I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I tell myself that he is not the same man I loved.

On a positive note, I went to a club, dancing last night with a friend. I think I didn’t dance like that since I was 20.

Sorry for my choppy sentences some times. English is not my first language.

Update,
My H just called me. We had a conversation about this weekend. I’m going to our vacation home this weekend with my son, his gf and a friend. There are going to be off road car races on Saturday. My H asked me to bring a couple of items with me and also told me a lot of things that he is trying to do for us before we get there and while we are there. As I’ve already mentioned he is going to stay somewhere else and let me, my son and company to stay in our condo. There are only 2 bedrooms. The conversation was very pleasant. He was chatty. I was nervous, but I was trying very hard to stay calm.

Wow, this is only 5th time he called for the past 7 months. It was probably the longest conversation we had so far. But, I’m not getting my hopes up. I think he is trying to just be friends.

Now I need to prepare myself for the weekend. I need to be strong and confident.

I haven’t been posting anything recently, even though I’ve been reading the posts and lots of stories from the archives. I haven’t posted about my sitch because I rarely get any response. It looks like journaling is not my thing, I’m not a writer. I mostly post to get some opinions and advise, but it seems that my sitch is not of interest on this board. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I posted on others topics before, but I hardly get any response on my.

Anyway, I will attempt to give a short update.

4 weeks ago we (my son and his friends) went to our condo in our vacation place and had a good time. My H moved out for 3 days we were there. I saw him 2 times during that time. He gave me a hug both times and he was very pleasant.

2 weeks ago I went to our condo by myself. I called him to let him know that I was coming. I wanted to stay in our condo and thought he didn’t have any problems with this since he told me before that I could come over at any time. But, he moved out again and let me stay in the condo by myself. This time he was trying to avoid me, no hugs. Our friends there told me that he thought I came to attempt to reconcile with him, but he didn’t want it and he didn’t want to hurt me. I was surprised, because I didn’t give any indication that my intend was anything but to spend a couple of days over there by myself. The same friends also gave me some information about what my H was thinking recently. H said that he doesn’t file for D and do any other steps because he doesn’t like confrontation. And he also doesn’t want to do the same things to me as his Dad did to his Mom when they divorced when my H was 12. He said that he doesn’t understand why his Dad treated his Mom so badly, leaving her with no money, so all she could afford with 3 kids was rice and beans. This didn’t make sense to me, since I’m nowhere close to this situation. I make twice as much money as my H, and I don’t have little kids at home. Does this look like MLC and stuff from the childhood?

This past weekend H came to the city and stayed with his brother. We all participated in a race that was held this past weekend. The interactions with my H were kind of awkward at times. But I was confident and happy, and didn’t try to invade his space.

H asked me what time he could come over on Monday to sing the taxes, collect some papers and have a conversation. I told him to come over at around 10.

So, he came this morning and we had a long conversation about the business. He asked me if I wanted to do the D quickly or give it some more time. He was ready to start filling in the paper work on a legal website, he doesn’t want to use the lawyers. He is absolutely set on the D. He took all of his personal photo albums and some of his clothes. He told me that he was sorry for his weird behavior recently, but he was just very stressed about this matter – division of assets and proceeding with D. He told me once again that he wants to stay friends and attend our family gatherings. He said that he probably have 10 to 15 years to live (this went down from 15 to 20 years not so long ago.) This is due to him not feeling well recently, which is again due to the stress about our situation and drinking. We cleared some rumors and misunderstandings that came out as a result of us not taking directly to each other. We both were happy that we could finally talk openly about things. I assured him that I am not going to be unreasonable about division of our assets, even though we have some disagreements.
We didn’t finalize anything. He said that we will talk some more about it. But, he seems to be set firm on the D.

I did handle the whole conversation pretty well. I was not emotional, I tried to listen and validate him a couple of times. I was a bit tense though. I’m surprised that I didn’t fall apart after he left. I know I can make it without him, but deep down I think I still have feelings. I still don’t believe that he wants nothing to do with me except the friendship. He behaved so normal this morning. So, I am not so sure he is in MLC. There is no indication that he was missing me. I have no hope left. I could use some words of wisdom and support right. I feel so down.

Hey Bright

I am so sorry you had a difficult day. There do seem to be many of those when we go through this.

Someone posted once that whether or not this is MLC is in a way not relevant as our actions such as GAL and taking care of ourselves should come no matter what. Make sure that if he is pushing for divorce that you protect yourself. You do not need his permission to see a lawyer with regard to what your rights are and what to expect.

My xSO and I were not married so I hope those who have dealt directly with this issue will chime in with some advice for you. Just know that this is the business side of things. Do not let him play nice so that he can stab you in the back later.

Bright one of the best ways to get posts is to keep posting and let us get to know you. Keep posting we are here to help.

Portia, thank you for your support. I actually did break down after a couple of hours since he left. I’ve been crying for 3 hours now and cannot stop. I thought that I accepted that he is going to D me. But I keep thinking of him taking his picture albums, and I realize that this is the end, and for some reason it devastated me. I thought I was detached enough by now.

I was asking the question about MLC because sometimes I think that I should avoid the conversation about the D, and give him some more time. Did I make a mistake today by agreeing to file?

I’m actually not concerned about protecting myself financially. He already agreed to leave me the house and he wants the condo in our vacation place. He is actually not even sure if he can afford it, since his work is seasonal and he never knows now much money he can make. He doesn’t spend money out of our joint accounts and there is no credit card debt of any sort. He is actually trying to limit his spending right now and thinking about how he is going to budget his life after the D. He was always honest about money, so I don’t feel that I have to worry about it right now. It could definitely change. Especially, if there is OW in the picture. But he said that he is most likely not going to be married again. Why does he want a D? Was it so bad for him in our marriage? I feel that I was the worst wife ever, if he wants out of this M so bad.

Please, I need some feedback. I don’t feel well this morning. I cannot force myself to do anything. Something tells me that I should lay low and let my H to do all the moves about the D. But, at the same time I don’t want to give him an impression that I’m trying to delay it, which would mean to him that I’m still hoping to salvage the relationship.

He told me that he was feeling a lot of guilt about our situation, and this is what creates so much stress for him. I know that when he is stressed, he withdraws. I also understand that while he is under this much stress, there is no chance that at least some feelings for me will ever return. So, what do I do? Do I let him have what he wants, a D? It looks like his decision about D has not changed and even became stronger. Does he think that D will set him free?

Oh Bright,

Let yourself cry and scream if you want to. I am sure I am not the only one who has cried more in the past eight months than in my whole life. This hurts. And no you were not the worst wife ever - that is your pain talking. Go back on your own thread. There are two of you in that marriage. But I know how you feel. I am the queen of beating myself up. Forgiving ourselves is just as hard if not harder than forgiving them.

About the D. I am assuming this is not something that you want right now. I believe some of the advice given is then do not help the D along. Let him do the work. I personally would not go through one without a lawyer but you know your situation best. Bright, one thing I would suggest for you to do is to read other threads and find someone who was or is in a similar position. Ask for their input. Many have gone through this. D was not an issue in my sitch and I do not want to steer you wrong.

Hugs and look after you.

Dear Bright,

I am really sorry about your recent turn of events. He sounds very sad and confused. I suppose he just wants to get out and away, thinking that that will improve things and make him feel better. I think we all recognise that feeling. I just wonder if you let him taste real freedom/ aloneness it may not be that palatable. I have the feeling that you are always there for him if he needs you. I have no idea what I would do in your situation but I think deep down you know what the right thing to do is and you just need to follow your instincts and not be governed by fear of what might happen.

Why does he think he is going to die? Did his own father die at 60-65? Has something happened that has made him muse on his own mortality? Hang on in there, don't facilitate the divorce and perhaps even absent yourself a little, be a little mysterious, don't talk to mutual friends about your situation or try and get information from them. No one wants to be moved on from no matter how much they want to move on.

Thinking of you and following you every step.
Please feel free to ignore all this advice. My situation improved dramatically when I began to laugh, have fun, be fun to be with, stopped checking up on DH and GAL. But most importantly learning to laugh and smile again and not be too serious or uptight. Act as if you are discovering your DH for the first time again. Make a real effort. Harder said than done and I still find myself frowning if I don't concentrate on having an inane grin across my face!!

Portia gave you good advice, BF.
Your H shows signs of depression and MLC. Does he really think he has 15 years left?
If he wants a D, let him file. Don't do it yourself. I would not do it without a L. My first choice would be collaborative, and mediation second.
I know how awful you feel. Let the feelings be. At the same time, don't linger in that low place too long. Remember YOU have a life to live too! Sometimes I only wanted to disappear. I didn't want to live. I look back, and see how consumed I was with negative emotion. It's not worth it.
Sending you a big hug ((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))