Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is this MLC or WAS? Don't know what to do...

Thanks everybody for your replies. I’ve been through some tough times since the BD 6 months ago. And I still do have some days when I’m so depressed and have no hope. My H left to spend some time in our vacation home on Dec.28. He called me on Dec.31 at about 11:20 pm to wish me Happy New Year. He knew that I was in my sister’s house, doing our traditional New Year celebration. He handed the phone to our friend over there (she was at the same party) and she wished me happy New Year too. I sent her an e-mail a couple of days ago and thanked her for remembering about me and asked her if it was her idea to call. She replied that it was H’s idea and he told her that he was calling me, so she could talk too. She also said that he’s been having a tough time, “admittedly self-inflicted”. I haven’t heard from him since the 31st. I’ve been keeping my silence, not calling, not e-mailing. I know that he will be coming back at some point, since we have to do our business and personal taxes. For now, I’m not doing much of GAL activities, since I feel my energy completely drained out. But not hearing from him is actually helping me to pull myself back together. I’m starting to catch myself thinking if I actually want him back the way he is now – distant and not caring. I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t want me as a wife and not just a friend. I still don’t have any proof of OW, even though I know that H tried to flirt with a couple of women, and who knows what was going on in state where he was working all summer and fall.
Yes, it sounds like I didn’t make lots of mistakes and have been handling this pretty good, but on the other side, I’m losing my hope, since it looks like what I’ve been doing is not getting him any closer. I admit that my NC and GAL activities are helping me to move with my life, even thought very slowly and painfully.

AnotherStander, thank you for your detailed comments and advice. It is very helpful to see the prospective of other people who are not emotionally involved in your situation. You might be right when you say that my H would be shocked if he thinks that I actually started dating someone. I was such a dedicated wife... I always got attention from the guys, even when I was with him. But, I always was trying to defuse the situation and affirm my faithfulness to him. It was always the opposite, I would be jealous of him flirting, looking, paying more attention (or so I thought) to other women, even though I was a greater catch according to everyone who knows us. Now I understand how wrong it was. He was so sure that I would not go anywhere, but at the same time I wanted his attention to be directed to me and only me, so I was demanding his attention. Wrong, wrong, wrong…
You are also right that I need to force myself to do things without him. I think I was also emotionally dependent on him to some degree, and it became too much for him to handle. I’m not saying that I was completely dependent on him. I’m pretty independent person in general, I travel for work, I negotiate my contracts (I’m a consultant), I manage my travel plans, etc. But, I always wanted to spend all my free time with him. Maybe, because we both travel a lot and don’t see each other too for weeks some times, I guess you can call it long distance relationship to some degree.
Anyway, I will be doing some GAL activities more, and I will be trying to detach as much as I can. It is actually getting a little easier .

mum2three, I’ve been reading your posts too. Kudos to you for being proactive and starting to do something about your situation before it goes too far. I wish I started doing something about my 1 year ago, before I got the ILYBINILWY speech. I just thought that my H was depressed because of his job situation. Now I know that there was more to that. I wish you all the luck, and I will be watching your posts too. Stay strong, you can do it.

Soul.Searching, thanks for the encouragement . It looks like I have a handle on the situation, but I can be quite a mess sometimes. I think that I’m just not the person who could beg and plead. I felt like it sometimes when my H was in the house painting the doors, but I just could not bring myself to do it. I guess this sort of my advantage, if you can call it this.

Advina, thank you for the advice. I’ve been reading lots of posts recently, and I find some similarities to my sitch. It helps me to look at the whole thing from a different prospective.

Brightfuture, I really enjoy reading your posts as I feel we have so much that is similar, and a lot that is different. I too am trying to do more things on my own. At the moment I don't look forward to them as much as I would if they were with H but I suspect I may enjoy them more. When I look back to 23 years ago I was so independent and so uninterested in any sort of relationship..perhaps that is what appealed then compared to the needy individual that I have become. This loss of confidence in our relationship is completely new for me, I have only ever felt completely confident before, and has just made me more needy over the last 6 months. I think that is why it is important to feel very very positive about your relationship (even if all the evidence points otherwise) then you can stop worrying about that and get on with working on you. I think you are doing really well and I can sense your inner strength....I believe you can do this.

That's great, but don't read anything into it or have any expectations about what it means. When things like this happen DR refers to them as "baby steps", just celebrate them internally and keep pushing forward with your DB'ing.



This is pretty typical, even though the WAS may seem cool and collected in what they're doing, often they're confused and in turmoil internally. They're constantly fighting with themselves over what they're doing and whether it's really what they want. That's why it's important to give them time and space, because THEY have to sort this out and do it alone.



Good, time and space is exactly what he needs right now. But we're not talking about a few days or a week, he needs months to think things through.



Yes, that's how it goes. The more you detach the easier you'll find it to stay detached. But it's also important to replace thoughts about H with other activities (GAL).



Are you looking for big moves or baby steps? Because you won't see big moves. Read about baby steps in DR, Michele talks about how it's the little things. Maybe he stops by and stays a little longer than normal. Calls you when he doesn't really need to, that sort of thing.



Don't beat yourself up over it, just take stock of it and do a 180 on it.

AnotherStander, thank you for your insights. They are always so helpful and to the point. I’ve read lots of your responses to other posts as well…
I have been busy for a few days, didn’t have time to update. I’ve got some news. I was paying the telephone bill (different phone that we use when we travel internationally) and found a couple of conversations that lasted about 4 hours and 2 hours. It was an international number. It is from the area where the girl lives, the one who my H was flirting with when he was in our vacation home and who is also a relative of our friends. When I saw these friends last time they were assuring me that my H is not seeing anybody. The female friend (who is a relative of this girl) also told me that she called her and the girl said that there was nothing going on between her and my H. She was actually mad at my friend for accusing her of this. Now, I know my H pretty well, and I know that he would not be taking on the phone to just a friend for this long, especially female friend. I think there is something going on. I want to ask my friend if she will recognize the number and I want to tell her what I know, but I’m not sure if it will backfire on me. My H will probably accuse me of spying on him again. I know that if there is something going on, nobody can stop it. So, should I keep silent? One of the reasons I want to ask my friend about this is I want to know if she tells me the truth or she knows that something is going on and just doesn’t want to tell me.
Another update . After two weeks of no communication on both sides, I’ve got an e-mail from H. He told me that the weather is cold over there and he cannot go to the pool and ride his sand rail. He also asked me to send a check to pay for something in our business. He told me that he is not planning to come back to town this month unless I need help with the taxes. If I need help, he asked me to let him know and he can come over for a couple of days. I’m not treating this even as “baby steps” at this point. It is just business to him. I’m actually considering to open a different company to handle my contracts separate from his. He is not working now, which means he is not making any money. But he is spending all this time in the vacation home because he knows that I’m bringing money to the company, so the bills will get paid. This also allows him to contact me about the business. If I stop this and he will no longer have an excuse to contact me about the business, will I lose this opportunity?

My girlfriend wants to go to the place where our vacation home is. She has a house there too. I’m considering going this Friday with her. This means that I will be seeing our common friends there, who are also the friends of my girlfriend. I’m not sure if I should stop by our vacation home to get some stuff, or I should stay away, since my H is there. I’m feeling pretty confident about myself; I think I will be able to interact with him just fine.

Another question that I keep asking myself is if I should tell my friend there that I know that my H is in communication with her relative.

Any advice would be appreciated, please.

This morning I’m feeling nervous. If I see my H there, will I be able to maintain calmness… I feel that I would not want to see him there, but will it be against DB rules? I need to show him new me somewhere, and if I don’t see him, I cannot do that. I’m kind of confused. I almost feel that I don’t want to play this game… Trying to understand where these feelings are coming from…