You sound really confused about what "light touching" means. That is an issue for you to address SM b/c it's significant in how YOU interacted with your wife. Dig deep there.
Anyhow, to ME, light touching = playful touching.
Did you ever flirt with her? Maybe tap her behind and lovingly tell her she looks "SO FINE" or "hot" or whatever terms are authentic for YOU.
Only do this when it's clear you are not pursuing her in a pressuring way. (NOT that you would not like to be intimate, but that you are on your way out the door, or busy GAL somewhere, etc.) So flirt and GAL. Be detached from the results.
Again, to remind you of what that means, I'll post a short piece on detachment.But I think you've had it before.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.
We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle. Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."
It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc, thank you so much for your tips! I knew I could count on you to offer me a woman's perspective and solid advise. Here are some clarifications:
Yes I should have asked Laurie why she wanted me to experiment with light touch with W, but I was busy listening and writing and answering her questions. But I think the answers I got here on the forum are right. Cheeseless tunnel, and to see if she is receptive.
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So the first "Goal" is to try to have MIL convince W to go get screened or at least get evaluated by a DIFFERENT therapist than the one that prescribed the Zoloft but doesn't see any change in W behavior.
I can see how what I wrote is confusing. I meant to say that the THERAPIST that prescribed the zoloft doesn't see any change in my W. Myself, my MIL, and everyone else who knows my W does think she has changed. In any case, my MIL is the one who is working on having W get checked out. I am distancing from that effort because it is not in my best interest =)
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90% of married women taking ADs had husbands described as "critical" or "very unsupportive".
That is VERY interesting, I did not know that. My W takes things personally sometimes so I think there could be some truth in that. Her anxiety was related to D3 and her problems at school etc.. Sometimes I would say "Perhaps WE should cut back on her TV time, or take her to play at the park more often" and my wife would get defensive and say "I do that! I make sure she plays! Do you think I just let her watch TV all day?". Then I would always tell her loving that she is an awesome mommy, and that I am with D3 just as many hours (almost) as her everyday, so I', not saying its her doing something wrong, I am saying WE are. But that didn't work and I soon dropped that approach =)
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No one here said to avoid her. No one here said be distant. Are you confusing the word "Distant" with "Detachment"? They are not the same but we've been over this many times SM. What is your question? Can you elaborate on it b/c I'm not sure what you are asking here.
I was told by several people that giving her space was also physical space. I'm sure that advise is sound advice when your W is disgusted with you, and is fighting with you. I guess because Laurie feels our interaction is very positive, she wants me to start being a little more aggressive as far as wooing my W back =). Would you agree?
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Your wife was in a marriage that was not romantically or physically/sexually satisfying to her... I know for a fact that I questioned your with holding approach.
Yes I see now that the romance level had dropped in recent times. I need to show her that I can be that person. With holding affection at this point is probably viewed as "more of the same".
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SM, did you give her back rubs before all this, other than as foreplay?
YES! I have a bad back from a car accident I was in 15 years ago. I get regular treatment but the discomfort comes and goes. W always rubs my back, and I try to reciprocate. We often have sessions where we would rub each others backs and also lay down and have the other crack our back for relief.
She is a large breasted (hmmm I miss them) woman and so her back hurts sometimes from that. I have always tried to be helpful in that department but I need to step it up now.
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it's touching for HER benefit only (i.e., HER comfort, reduction of HER pain, etc) without your expectation of it going any further.
That is a great way of stating it. I read this yesterday and began to think of ways in which to implement, and also thought about how I used to do "light touch" with her.
I'm going to start a new thread since this one is going to be locked soon, and also I think this is a new phase in my DBing. Please follow me to the new thread!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
