Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis What I'm learning from H stages, myself!

Journaling:
H came into the kitchen and invited me to watch an afternoon movie w/him. Hell, it's 10 degrees out so I agreed, also trying to be approachable safe person for him to reach out to. It's my way of keeping the door cracked open a little.

Literally 15 min into the movie something in the story rang true to how he feels and he flipped a switch. Paused the movie and began to explain how his mind just flipped and he's pissed off. It's Rise Of The Planet Of The Ape's for heaven sakes, I thought that would be a safe bet, he chose it.

As he put his head in hand, I removed myself and went about my business. He is still watching the movie alone and my S just asked what species was the other ape, in passing. H replied, ''I forgot they were apes...I wasn't even seeing them as apes anymore, omg''!

He's sitting there projecting!

I will go about my work as usual and let him stew. It's a shame really, he was good for about an hour, even talking to S gf for a min. He needs a C w/meds.

Wow, that's kind of scary. He stopped seeing them as apes!

Stay strong, hon.

Soul - yea, he was agreeing with the apes and identifying with the need to run free!

Journaling:
H spent the rest of the day sleeping and left in a bad way telling me he hadn't showered in a few days. I said come home in the morning and jump right in without thinking about it, he said he could never do that.

This morning H came home from work and did just that, he jumped in the shower and emerged a clean little boy and jumped in my bed He didn't really make conversation, but again laid down close.

I don't really care or mind if he does that, but it makes me wake up and evaluate who is this person to me. I don't know if this is weird but it's like he's nobody. There is a complete void in my mind when I try to think of who he is to me.

I look at him and see a void, I think of his as a void, I can't wrap my mind around who is this person to me. It's like living with a pod and trying to find the person in there when you know there really laying in a field somewhere you'll never find.

It protects me and keeps me from getting hurt but it also saddens me that it came to this. I am normal? Could I be over thinking or reacting to this? I had no urge to hug him, or stay even an extra min after I woke up. I went to be alone, the one thing in my life I hate, but prefer oever being w/h.

hiya dawn -

arrived okay- car trip okay- i marvel that this guy can be what & who he is- and sit in a car acting naturally & friendly and kindly for two days straight.



i know- me too. every time i write something - i just cut it back out- all been said to death i guess.

oh well huh: - now that i'm here i'm not toooo chatty. need more coffee. i always sleep a bit crummo when i switch beds.

this morning i'm (very unkindly) wondering if the only reason i'm here is to clean and remove more of my "stuff". maybe that's all it is - niceness aside. this business of being coldly realistic to self- no good spin - is very grusome. oh well- i guess it is what the sitch demands - no rose colored glasses. man, i sure miss my glasses!

i know you'll say- don't imagine things. trying not to, doing better in general i think in 'staying in the moment" and not letting my imagination go wild. that's with regard to possibl;e good things as well as probable bad things.


tra la huh? i'll come back later - i can't remember what it is i had to say.

xxoo just checkin in- alive and thankfully it's cool in fla - woo hoo

hi dawn-

thinking of you being in same house and interacting all the time w your not-h - as usual- i think being apart isn't good- but it's sure hard as heck being in same old house where i "used to" live too. it's icky- things are the same- but not at all the same.

too many memories - good and then those few bad.

i don't even want toallow myself to go down the fond ole memory road- too dangerous to even think of it all. i guess i'm still just trying inside to wean myself away from this all - from not-h.

it's like a bad bad addiction - i think of people who smoke and drink and how very hard it is to quit. i'd probably never be able to do it- tho with h i'm going to have to. this addiction isn't good for me or making me happy - it's going to have to go in the end i believe.

how and when one gets to that point- quitting thru sheer will power- i don't know. oh well- i'm sure aa would tell me not to get ahead of myself- one day at a time huh.

anyway- that's what's up here. baby is napping- she's sure alot of energy. she's smart tho- told her get the nap out of the way so we can play- so she is.

was nice to see & chat with my neice and newest baby (year in easter - sure went by fast). he's so smiley & cute. oh mannnn

that's myinterim report

Hey Nero, if your thinking of Fl house as some where you used live you are feeling the separation and detachment. It is nice that he wants you to still play a part in your own life ( gee thanks) but, why is the MLC question of the yr.

I guess he is not in a R with ow....maybe not the fantasy world h thought it would be. Plus, h seems to still have a tie to you, or I should say wants a tie to you. They are so goofy...it's not a fun game there playing but to them it's not a game.

At least your in some better weather. I am so sun deprived I can't take it anymore. I went out in the snow and threw around some salt, not to much else to do. H had overtime at work so of course that means driving by the maggots house. You think being apart isn't good, I get that... if there was a r to work towards or to put your hopes on.

I want my not-h void out of my life....maybe good things would gravitate my way without is black cloud looming. It doesn't matter anymore because I see clearly that it is what it is now, and it is all up to me.

I was struggling with moving, but now the sitch w/S seems to be grounding me and him for that matter. So how do I separate from h....hhhuummm! He said he's not trying to live with maggot so he would need an apt. but my guess is that we will be stuck here together for some time.

So at least we have that in common....neither one of us is flying the coupe!

You never said...are you near a beach? I love walking and listening to the water, especially at night. I loved it in Clearwater....we sat for hours just listening. Enjoy!

hey hi-

glad to hear your littel voice this morning. '



ya know - i feel like to him IT IS a game. he's tra-laing along jacking me and my life allover creation - and he's going along with his social life- his tennis - his computer- allll his correspondence- phone calls - probably stinking constant contact with ow - i honestly think to him it's all a big ole fun game.

i agree tho, what i'm doing here i do not know (in his brain) and i wonder if he thinks i'm going to clean - or move my junk out more or what???? sadly- instead of my usual old-time positive spin on things in life- when it comes to him- all bad spin. I see everything with suspicion- even go9od stuff - i think he's using me for a stupid old jerk here.

he acts like old times - he's more affectionate (of course - he was such a mean, critical COLD creep for so long - it's hard to imagine being less affectionate). i do notice the good things- i just wonder wtf??? i don't think he even thinks i have or deserve to have feelings- he thinks i'm a stupid idiot and have all this LOOOOOVEEE . boy, little does he know (or care) what's really bubbling around in my head and heart. this morning i don't care one darn bit about him and view him as merely a very very bad addiction/habit that i need to kick - that has some "remembered good feeling" attached somewhere in memory- but is killing me. much like a giant cigarette with feet - HEY- my new mental image of him- giant cigarette butt with feet & face.

this not really knowing is the bad thing. i care less - but it does still hurt a bit to know it all. it still is treason & gives me pause for thought. then i wonder if it's killed love and that is that. i am taking one day at a time, etc.

i can't get the thread of what i'm trying to say here- i don't want THIS life forever - knowing he's all in contact with ow - and of course - sex. i don't care if it is infrequent- it's there- it's his "new life" - if it's important to him- i hate it. if it's someone not me- then it's bad for me. i know- patience. sometimes tho i wonder for what? no getting around that bit.

i understand the spiel that perhaps it could be a new type of relationship- if we've both changed. i don't see this guy ever ever ever being able to change himself - his location- his old self/life - looking at him sometimes i realize he can only be that old time guy he was - he is not at all out of the box or maybe able to think out of his box when it comes to his life. tennis - computer - tennis - computer - tv - booooorrrrrrring....

additionally- i've probably said this (a million times) al ready- if he keeps her and contact so spaced out- it will be "new" forever. who gets tired of cake onece every few weeks or month- no one.

okay- that was all my negative JUNK and now it's out- i'm doine giving it airtime today. played with 4 yr old yesterday and it was nice to see her.

she was telling me in the car that her mommy has a picture of my house with a red car in front of it in her phone(!!??) i asked who was in it and she said jacka_s. nice huh? everyone in the world but me is spying on him when i'm away - oh well. i didn't freak out and i'm trying not to dwell on it - i know he sees her down here and i know she comes here. (who knows who else?) and yes, i could kill them both with poisonous gas (i don't really want to touch them or wie3ld a weapon).

I AM near the beach - only 1 mile. could walk in 15 min or so. i don't usually- just forget it's there - like everyone else down here. that's the sad part. i used to love it too- still do sometimes - but i just forget in day to day life- we go to work & do all the junk everyone does and hanging at the beach just stops being a part of it - unlike vacation or a trip.

they've installed new parking and it's a pain - need a credit card or pass to use it- then you need to have somewhere to stash that (can't leave bag unattended on beach really) - so little complications. nothing i couldn't overcome- just an additional bother from days when i could just drive over anytime and park my car & enjoy. time marches on - huh?

h never liked the beach- only goes under duress - what a spoil sport he is really when it's not his sport.

i've never seen him play tennis- now-a-days i veiw his always need to have "separate" parts of his life as somethign that maybe i don't want to have in my life anymore. i'm tired of his need to make believe he's all mr independent and hugely detrimenta. i never thought about it all either way. i've always enjoyed my privacy and own thoughts - and activities.

if all he uses them for is to cheat and be a jerk- wtf. i always assume people are like me- i am WRONG as can be.

see - that's the thing - i'm just beginning to view him as a selfish jerk that might not "be my type" - can you imagiene? after allllll these eyars of thinking he's my soul mate- all of a sudden i'm seeing him with new eyes and thinking maybe i shouldn't even be getting to know him. if i met him at the office and knew allllll about him and THIS mess of a life- i'd never ever get to know him or give him airtime.

i'm not blue or icky- i'm going to go sew and that is an amazing thing- the desire to do something i enjoy and just do it. oh well

crazy morning- you're nice to listen & care- it sounds kind of calm around your house too.

we missed all the snow- oh well- next year maybe. i'm longing for a white world like you and the sun - always want what we can't have huh??

glad your s and his sitch are distracting you- it's a good thing to get immersed in something other than our messy little lives.

i honestly don't know how you stand it- i think if i had ow sitch in my face - rite in my face every day with h going there- i'd feel exctly like you. it's BIg tho, finding a new place - moving into it- all that stuff. i'm sooo lazy- it's all my 'STUFF' that keeps me here- thinking of mobving it seems like a nightmare. i guess one day i'll jsut do it because i have to....

anyway- you're sounding philosophical and chilled - i thought for one brief moment in time your not-h had turned around somewhat- i am still hopeful somehow- don 't know how or why- sooooo

soooo - after ALLLLL THIS TIME - AND ALLLLLL OUR CHATS - here we are - YOU AND I with our respective lites on - with us just sitting there in our towers - feet up- new magazine & glass of wine - no particular lookout for any particular little dinghy with a lunatic in it pulling up to our rocky little beach - dum de dum.......

some days i wonder what we'll both be saying to each other in a few years - maybe how wonderful our gardens are going to be this season- how happy we feel - how lucky we feel - etc.

hhhhheeeelllllooooooo pollyanna.....


i feel way more philosophical about thinking i wasted my life- i at at point of thinking it was perfectly good til it went bad- and letting it go at that. so, that's something- rite???

have a good day- need to comb this mess of a head and get dressed & and go have a good day...

flea market- cool but sunny- find a treasure??? dye my hair - visit his dad this afternoon & supper - watch downton abbey later- fit in baby somewhere in this day- etc.

okaydawn-

i8'm thinking here- the more i see "glimmer's" of old h 0- themore i am impatient and don't like this the way it is. i know i'm supposed to be grateful forany signs of normal life- but instead theymake me want to dropt hedamn vigilence constantlyand just be done with it all. isn't it wierd- do you feel that waytoo?

do you almost find it harder when he slacks off on being awful?

tellme something wise here bouth ow we can do this-w e can, rite? but - what is it we're doing???

xxoo hair dye allover the place-i haev sooooom uch hair- and imake such a mess - cripes!!!

no wonder i'm thinking heavy thoughts -

Yes, when h is trying to inject himself into the house and conversations I find it very hard. I'm in no way disillusioned like I used to be to allow myself to be confused, I am well aware that it means nothing, nothing has changed. Maybe he's just to lazy to be an giant a-hole for that moment.

I have been let down by this man so many times that i am in no way even moved by his trying to be ''human'' or nice. I have actually become very callus toward him and have become hardened to his needs or wants to even consider caring.

My montra continues: MY TOLERANCE FOR BS HAS DIMINISHED GREATLY!

It is leaking it's way into my other parts of life as well. A few months ago my S21 said I was going to have to grow some balls to make it through without such devastation, well I leaned on him for that (borrowed his) and now I am starting to grow my own, strength that is!

My D19 is seeing a stronger me, seeing me taking a stand against some of her teen-age attempt to get past me. I gave my mom a chance to STFU, but when she didn't I told her the hard truth about how she will be alone, because her words are too damaging.

I am done being abused, and will certainly not go back to that unloved, crushed little girl she set out into the world at 17yrs old. Who then married a great man, who turned into a monster, who then want's to abuse me! Cycle is broken, I am not going to let H become who she was to me, or change me, I am not the one in MLC.

My H was finally told about the new g-kid OTW, he had mixed feelings, but then took it out of context and told me I'm not his mother! I let him have it...I said leave me, get out of my life, you have made it very clear that I am nothing to you, we're not even friends. He said he will not be the one to end this!

It's like MLC for dummies, threaten everything under the sun and do nothing! LEt the LBS take over, then they are to blame for the dimise. All he says is he's indifferent w/me because he's having an extrem spiritual battle w/God.

I asked about ea he said she's the devil and it's part of his spiritual battle. He swears no PA...it's a volatile, evil, crazy, sitch. Her F's know he's M and tell him she's not worth helping, but it's a challenge he has to see through hoping he can make God see how he's willing to give it all up to help the lowest form of life, messiah like. Maybe someone more spiritual than I, can get that one!

Then he screams, outside ''this is my battle, my challenge to God" ''were is he to intervene, let him stop me if there is a GOD! Why is He letting me treat you like this?

So no, I don't like when he's nice or normal because it leads into him seeing the slightest glimmer of a green light to let out his spew. He offered to keep me sexually satisfied last night in order to insure what - that i won't leave him because that, w/money is all I need to sustain me?

He's very sexually unwilling and unable with this ''manopause'' he's going through and knew's I won't cheat so he offered himself up! What a guy! He want's me around, just don't dare cross that line girly or I'll bit your head off!

What is h really saying when he says " I'm not moving out, I'm blood here, this is my family, you would have to kick me out" "I am not their F, I am not your H, don't include me as a family member"

Just loosing some sanity myself here!