Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Soul.Searching my way back.

Okay so things have been "messy" lately. Apparently everything wrong in his life is still my fault. He is such an arse hole.
So apparently it's my fault he only seen the children for three hours on Christmas Day. My fault? It's my fault that he turned up an hour late? It's my fault that I told him he could keep them longer but he said he couldn't because he had to travel home? It's my fault he "had" ( he wanted to.) move so far away and make it difficult! It's my fault that he didn't see the kids on his birthday.
Which yeah, that kinda is because I took them camping. It wasent planned by me and it was my only opertunity to get away. He knew this and said they could go.
He doesn't always see them on his birthday anyway but he said at least he could have given them a kiss goodnight.

I suppose it's my fault that he is having troubles with his work too? I guess it's my fault that he is looking for a new job now!

He called the other day and told me he was not bringing the kids back till the next day! He didn't even bother asking, just told me.
I thought school was going back yesterday. He dropped them home by 7am, which meant they had to be up by 4am!
Luckily I found out school didn't start until today because the kids got home and slept. They were sooo tired.

He also kept most of their clothes, says they were muddy and he was being nice by keeping them there to wash. Ummm I need their clothes!! He gave me back their sleeping bags wet and two loads of wet clothes. So we fought because I wasent impressed about him telling me he was keeping them another night or about not getting their stuff back!! Then he has the nerve to ask to have them in my weekend!

We fought on the phone too. Apparently I'm unreasonable because I didn't think my kids should have to be woken up that early on the first day if the school year.
Apparently everything wrong in his life is because of me.

I just don't get it.

Are you sure your H is not really my W in disguise? Because it was my fault d10 got the flu and I had to take her to the doctor and dinner was later getting on. Oh ya, and the crumbs on the counter earlier, I got the blame. It was her granola bar I am sure she forgot she had eaten it, but I watched her eat it and leave the crumbs. Bizarro.
SS, yes everything is our fault in their heads. Some days I am used to it, and in fact more and more days I am used to it and shrug it off. I know where it comes from....their friggin' guilt!
Just let it brush off you. Believe none of what they say. 50 of what they do. Wait, does that mean I should eat the other half of the granola bar?

At times like this remember that you are the lighthouse perched on rock and he is the stormy sea lashing against it. You are solid, immovable, a beacon to those trying to find their way through the storm. No matter how hard he throws himself at you he's just hitting rocks that break up his tempest, in the end he's only hurting himself. Just picture that image whenever he storms again. You don't fight a storm with another storm, you fight it by being impenetrable and unaffected by it.

Back to the beginning: the good the bad and the ugly.

I've known my H since I was a very small child. We got along pretty well and he had asked me out several times. I always said no because he had a temper. He was a little turd. ( so was I lol) it was mainly his aggression that turned me off, that and the fact that he thought he was king sh1t (He still does.)

Anyway I hasent see him for a fair while and then when I had no long turned 16, we seen each other at a party. He had grown! He seemed a lot calmer and nicer, I really liked him. I always had but hated the anger plus him being a couple of years older, was ready to start dating before me.

Anyway, he gave me his phone number and told me to call him. I turned the paper over, wrote my number and told him " No, you call me."
A few days later he did. We met up and he wanted to jump right in to a relationship. I took things slowly but he was always at my house, he never left.

We both smoked pot... Daily.,, he was very sweet, kind and loving. Nothing like the tormented, angry little boy I used to know. Well pretty early on in the relationship I caught him lying to me ( He is a terrible lier, forgets his stories.)
And I told him to go, we were done. He begged me to take him back and I did. I thought he would change. This happened quite a few times in the first few years but he really was so sweet and caring. He had angry outburst here and there but they were few and far between.

He wanted a baby. We had not been using protection for quite a while and he was worried because I hasent fallen pregnant. I was young and dumb and just thought it wouldn't happen for ages.
Then it did! I fell pregnant when I was 19 YO. H was so excited but then after a month or so he started asking how I fell pregnant, started saying we had not even done it around that time. I never ever cheated on H, it was his baby.

Oh, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, we both quit the pot. H asked me to marry him. I was worried he only wanted to get married because I was pregnant, I didn't want that. H assured me that he had been thinking about it for ages and that me being pregnant only speed things up. I was about seven months pregnant when we got married. I was just 19 years old.

On our wedding night he told me that he had been talking to a girl on the train everyday and she gave him her phone number but that he threw it out...
He was so drunk by the time we got to the motel room. He was asleep about 10 mins after arriving.

He changed almost instantly. He began being aggressive, told me he would leave me. I had terrible back pain while pregnant. I used to ask H to give me a massage but he wouldn't and he would guilt me in to giving them to him instead because he had been out working doing physical labour.
I was carrying our baby and he would call me fat etc
He used to tell me if the baby wasent a boy, then it was not his.
I was so worried about his reaction if our baby was a girl. One of the first things I said to H after she was born was "Are you happy?" He said of course but that was such a terrible feeling.
He slept most of the labour too.

I had the sudden death of a very close realitive when my D was just a few weeks old. H was very supportive but then one day, we were about 45 mins away from home and our baby daughter was crying and crying. I made H stop the car so I could feed her. He list it, he didn't see why she couldn't either just wait 45mins or why I couldn't hold her on my lap and feed her while he drove home.

He used to go to work, come home, hold the baby for 5 mins, eat and go to bed, ignoring me. I remember lying on the bed next to him crying and asking him to talk to me, to tell me what I had done. He would just ignore me or tell me to F off.
This went in for months, until I just gave up. I didn't go in to the room, didn't ask him what was wrong. Then when he got no reaction, he stopped doing it.

D was only a few months old when I found out I was pregnant again.
H never came to any of the ultrasounds dr appointments for either child.
He was always at work. I arrived home from the ultrasound with S and told H it was a boy, I thought he would have been excited but he just said "So"

H wasent interested in their Bdays or anything like that. He went to work, came home to eat/ shower and would go to the neighbors house to hang in his garage.
He would come and go so fast and I was left with my kids crying for their Daddy. It used to break my heart.

When he was home he was angry. I remember one point that lasted months and months where I would go and lock me and the children in their bedroom, just to avoid him yelling and screaming at my babies.

He used to go on holidays quite a lot but never with us. I was done I was ready to end it but he slowly started changing, or so I thought.

We did end up going on holidays a fair bit and he could actually start to handle the children. They would have been about four and five by the time he slowly started being more than a passing fly in their childhoods.

He was very rude to me in public, saying things like "Yeah W is okay, unfortunately " saying how he wished he had never married and had children.

He could be so sweet when he wanted to be. Would do anything for anyone. Except me, it seemed.

If I went to visit the lady next door, he would come and abuse me in front of everyone because the kids were hungry, dirty or needed a bath. It never occurred to him to do it himself.

He abused me if I wasent home when he wanted a lift or wanted me to check something for him.

Eventually I just stopped going out unles he was not with me. He used to go out a lot though. The lying continued and I noticed he lied to everybody, not just me. Mostly about the pettiest things.

On the few occasions I did go to the pub with H he was always telling other women how he like to satisfy the other person in bed (yeah right) they would always ask me if I was really his wife, if he was really talking like that in front of his own wife.

I lost trust in him. I resented that he could go out whenever he wanted and I couldn't. I started having a go at him for going out.

He spent so much money threw out our marriage too. He had to have the best of everything. I was sick of living week to week and struggling.

We fought mostly about money and him going out. I was jealous of the way he acted towards other girls. I didn't trust him.

He was so darn sweet when he wanted to be and that's what always lured me back in. I loved him, I loved him so much.

The last 18 months or so nothing I did was ever good enough for him, nothing.
I tried, I tried so hard.

Then I think I just gave up. Then he dropped the bomb and I was left devistated, in a place darker and scarier than I ever knew was possible.

I didn't see how much I let H control me. I convinced myself that if H wasent going somewhere than I didn't want to go either. I see now it was to avoid the abuse.

I don't know why I let him treat me like that. I don't know why I stayed when I had no trust. I knew I was never going to get anywhere money wise with H around.
I don't know why I couldn't see things clearly before and the scariest part of all,.., I don't know why I want him back.

Just tonight he abused me because I asked him to pay his child support.

I obviously have issues to have allowed this relationship to be so toxic but I just don't know what they are. I just don't know.

(((SS)))

He's an abuser. That's not your fault. He is responsible for his words and his actions.

And so can you. Is this really the kind of R you want?

You can make a choice here.

Thanks FM (Sorry thought I had a post in between but it's not there!!! )
Honestly not much would suprise me these days lol.
Thanks AS, I try not to let him know it gets to me but it still does.
Thanks Bug. I can see things a lot more clearer these days.
I'm struggling with why I let him treat me like that? Why I failed to enforce boundaries. I could never ever go back to a R like that.
That's what hurts so much. He couldn't change and be a better person for me but it seems like he is for OW.

He called twice today. Once he still had a crappy tone, the second he was asking me for a favour and was all nice. It was just me helping him carry something to the car, so I said yes.
He came but it had started pouring rain (Crazy, Crazy weather here lately. Hot, cold, fires, storms and floods!) he asked me to go with him to pick the kids up.
My umbrella was in my car but H had his (Wow, H actually uses umbrella!!! )
So he held his over both of our heads and walked me to my car door and stood there while I got in. Then he went to the other side and got it. He is so like two totally different people in one. He seemed very indifferent towards me.

He was telling me how he is grounding OWs daughter from having friends over for two weeks because she was bugging OW when she is sick and then she hung up on him. What kind of people are they ?
It seems way too soon for H to be punishing her children. Oh well none of my business.

I was also thinking about S8's birth lastnight. H was yelling at me and abusing me while I was in labour because he got home from work and I'd been so inconsiderate because I had used all the hot water, trying to ease my pain. Pffft


Dummy spitting arse face.

[b]hat's what hurts so much. He couldn't change and be a better person for me but it seems like he is for OW.[b]

Do you think for all years when this was going on with you a casual observer would have known?

And then there are always the "honeymoon phases"

Thinking that it's not happening with the OW is allowing you to blame yourself, don't do that to yourself. You are a survivor.

Oh my gosh SS!! You have endured a tremendous amount of abuse. Some women tend to think that if they're not being physically struck then they're not being abused, but words and actions can be just as damaging as physical abuse, and even more long-lasting. Your H is in serious need of help.

Thanks Bug. I know your right but I'm finding it difficult to stop thinking along those lines. I've had many, many pity parties these last five months or so. With all the death I've been scared it may not be over. Waiting for it all to pass. A friend actually told me a few months ago that things could only go up from there, well they didn't. I lost more people and pets. I finally realized that no it is not over, it's never going to be over.
Hopefully there will be much bigger gaps in everything but its not over, until its over for me. Death is a part of life and it something we all just have to accept.

My M wasn't healthy. I'm still not sure why I allowed that. H and I were still pretty much kids when we got together. Once I fell pregnant, I grew up. I had a responsibility to my D and my actions affected her.
I feel like my H never did grow up.
I've realized in the last few months that the passing of H's step brother affected H much, much more than I knew. They had only seen each other maybe twice in the thirteen years we were together.
I'm pretty sure H keeps everything bottled up. I don't think he really talk to anyone much about how he is feeling.
He tries to run away from his feelings and that's not healthy.

After seeing H today, mostly I'm feeling sorry for him.
We picked the kids up from school but we had like 8 mins to wait before the bell.
H wanted to go and sign them out early to save 8 mins.
He was complaining that he had to get back "up there" to take the kids shopping for clothes. ( Apparently I'm incompetent as a mother and none of their clothes are acceptable to wear to a party he is taking them to. Maybe he wants hold plated, with diamonds???) anyway I was thinking about that. He has been like that for as long as I can remember. He had almost no patience, ever.

I find that sad. Very sad. He was also having a go at me because I came out of a driveway too slowly. Yeah, really don't miss that back seat driving either.

He was rushing the kids and told them about having to hurry to get to the shops. D9 turned around and said "Well if we are in that much of a rush, we can just go to the shops down here first." H said "no" and ignored D after she asked why.

Seriously, my kids seem to have way more logic than H sometimes.
For the most part, it seems that life is one big, huge rush with H.
I'm enjoying not rushing around these days. I'm enjoying not stressing if I'm a few mins behind. If I'm tired after work, then I just do what has to be done and relax.

Even when we went camping and I set up camp for me and the kids, by myself, it was much more relaxing and less stressful.

It's great to just no rush around and actually enjoy things!

I posted a little before Christmas how I was walking around the shops by myself one day and I just felt this strange calming, happy feeling. It was so peaceful and relaxing. It was fantastic. It might sound weird but I think I was given a glimpse of what life can feel like. It's pretty sad but I don't remember ever feeling so happy and calm like that before.

I do love my H and he can be so sweet and caring but maybe we just don't fit. ( I think it was tumbling who posted about not fitting and it really got me thinking.)

I think that's it, we just don't fit anymore. We had some totally awesome times together. We spoke a lot and enjoyed the same activities but our core morals and values were too different. H is very aggressive and I started to be as well. That's not me. I've never been one to let anyone (except H for unknown reasons) walk all over me. I'm a thinker, H is not so much, well at least he never seemed to be.

I feel I grew up a lot but H just seemed to always be one step forward and two back. We just don't match anymore and that's okay.

google emotional abuse stosny, it might be helpful.

Your H wanted to have sex and wanted a baby but in no way was mature enough for that responsibility. And the pressure started.

Again, not your fault, he made choices.

You will come out of this in a much better place.