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He loves you RLA. Take it and run with it but don't take it for granted. He is hurt, but sounds like he is coming around. His comment on the budget was a direct example of his ego and manhood being wounded. His confidence has been hit hard. Instead of saying what you asked about if he saw the budget, offer to say something like," yes, we should have better cash flow. So why don't we go over the budget together and figure it out. We can figure out a budget that works and find places where money is best spent and not spent." Working on your M will be in all things you do and all interactions you have. These are exercises you do together and not even realize it is working on the M.
I really wish I were in your shoes, or rather your H's. My W is done and is so vindictive right now.

I know that he loves me, or at least, is trying to. I know that he's been hurt and wounded by everything that's happened in the past. And, Hopeful, I know that he doesn't feel like he's good enough, though over the years my H has tried - he is pretty good with gifts and that kind of stuff. That was a big sticking point for him - how he did this and that and I didn't appreciate it.

I'm working on just trying to appreciate the positive stuff and letting the negative stuff go as much as I can. My mother is EXTREMELY critical and not zen at all so unfortunately I've picked up some sh!tty life skills from her (along with some good ones).

About the budget specifically, this is one area of frustration for me. H does not seem that interested in participating in areas of our financial life. I am happy to take this on more now that I am working less and he is working more, but by the same token, I wish he were more financially inclined. We do have a financial advisor, which helps and solves a lot of problems since neither of us want to handle that stuff ourselves. Things slip through the cracks though and because he won't get involved, it always becomes my fault. For instance, I just found out I left some money on the table last year because my stock options expired 90 days after I quit my job and I didn't know that was going to happen. H acted like I should have known that.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't complain since so many people here would just like to have their spouses back. My only point is that even though we are "back together", it doesn't change the fact that we have significant problems that need to be addressed.

I'm happy for you two. Make the changes necessary and do whatever work you need to do to get past the negative.

I think you said it yourself....this is really the starting point. That said, it can't always be serious and work....you've got to have some fun too. Are you mixing that in?

Fun... not really.
At this point I am not sure what my H would consider fun. He is so self conscious all the time, it is hard to have fun with him because he never lets loose. I embarrass him.

That one hits close to home. I used to be a stick in the mud too. I was a pretty fun/entertaining guy 20 years ago, but I lost him as the stresses of life overwhelmed me (working hard to get him back!).

That said, maybe it's a topic of discussion you can have with H. There's a section in Gottman's book where he wants you to delve into each other, to get to know each other better. Maybe use this in conjunction with the "fun" topic and see where it goes.

I view it the same as DB and trying to save your M. You can't always be reading books and trying to improve yourself....you'll get overloaded and go crazy. You have to mix some GAL in there to keep it balanced.

Bang On BD! I too was the lampshade on the head type. Full of confidence, life of party etc. I used to be the one that embarrased W, but she liked that. I lost that guy in me through all the same stuff you mention. Also, my problem too was too focussed on all that stuff and did get overloeaded and crazy which overloaded her too. I think she wanted it simplified mixed with fun. Maybe too RLA, just fun with him to get his feet wet and not in places where he feels pressured to show his good time with you in front of others. This should be about delving into each other as BD says.

Finally caught up with you, RLA. As always, can relate to so much (your H snoring, his reasons for staying, budget avoidance, wanting you to agree with him 100% all the time..). We're still married to the same man!

Enjoy the break from your H (being in your bed without the snoring). I think it's great that he said he loved you... You've been getting great advice.

Congratulations on getting to this point

That's interesting. My H was always the class clown type too. Now he's so serious all the time. Very concerned with what everyone else thinks. Kind of depressing. Even when I've tried to lighten up the mood he doesn't go for it.

Yeah, I definitely relate. I was always the funny guy when I was younger....and over the years I turned into the angry guy. And unfortunately, that dude is an @sshole.

That's going to be your H's path though, so I don't think you can do more than ask him questions like "What makes you smile? What do you consider fun? What would be the perfect date?" You are essentially starting over here, so I would take the assumptions out of it and get to know H all over again...that in itself could be fun.