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Never accused you of anything. You are the one who keeps saying that you've lost everything, can't go out, etc. All I'm doing is saying that you aren't as bad off as you make yourself to be.

Until you start getting back your self worth you're not going to be able to move on.

Oh and BTW I have seen people on these boards who have had terminal diseases, having to take care of their children while their spouse cheated on them and physically kicked them out of their home so they ended up on the streets. So yeah I have seen much worse than yours. It makes you start appreciating the things you do have.

I know. I've read a few of those stories.. tbh I had to turn away from one or two.

Maybe I'm being too sensative, but either way I just found it offensive. Technically you didn't accuse me, but it came off that way to me.

I DO appreciate what I have! I have my life, I have my daughter and 1 or 2 good friends.

"Technically you didn't accuse me, but it came off that way to me."

And that's why you are having a hard time communicating with your W. You start going off the handle BEFORE you actually think about what's being said. Start to really listen and not to get your own personal biases in the way of that. It'll help you alot in your sitch.

Honestly, our communication is .. better. I mean I haven't really spoken to her w/o being spoken to at all really and I always make sure I'm calm and I listen, looking her in the eyes when she's talking, I'll pause the game or movie if she's speaking etc.

I am doing very well in our communication. She'll sucker me into an argument, or attempt to, (not really an argument but she'll get hostile) and I'm getting quicker and "shutting it down" and saying "well I'm sorry you feel that way" and not reply anything else.

But, really... last few times we've talked, txted or w/e hasn't really been much. When she calls for D3 to talk to me, and we end up talking after that, it's always calm etc. She's just so... distant and cold. Her conversations aren't even like her. She really is a different person.

2 thoughts on the prayer:
My pastor pointed out that we can never be absolutely sure of God's will for our future until it happens (He does allow lots of things he hates) we can always feel confident in asking for STRENGTH to get us through our trials, and have faith that he will give it to us, because that's what he promised. Never promised to fix all my problems just the way I like, but to get me through them. I don't really like that.

Also, scripture says God hates divorce. So when I pray about my sitch, I admit my fault in it, that I brought it on myself, then tell him even so, he hates divorce and ask him to fix.

Hmmm, well that sure doesn't sound like good communication. First, if you're really trying to communicate with her (and not just chatting about the weather or something) then there should be no distractions. That means no TV, no radio, no kids in the room. Second, what do you mean by "sucker" you into an argument, do you think she WANTS to argue? I really doubt that she does. Usually people get irate when they feel like they're not being listened to. Which leads me to your 3rd comment about throwing out a canned response and then just shutting down and not replying, that's a nasty way to end a conversation. If this is "better" communication then it must have been really bad before! Your W wants you to really listen to her. Sit across from her, make eye contact, nod. Talk 20% and listen 80%. When you talk just focus on her comments and getting her to open up more. DO NOT fix, argue, reason, agree, disagree, explain, etc. Just listen and validate. "You sound angry, is that how you feel? I can understand why you feel that way. How angry does it make you feel, how would you rate it on a scale of 1-10?" Give this a try, you'll be surprised at how well it works to diffuse your W's anger and make her feel like she's really getting through. The technique is great with kids too, especially girls. Men want to fix things, women (and girls) want validation. Since they're the WAW's, it's on us to learn how to communicate effectively with them, not the other way around.

I may not have put it clearly. Let me show an example. I understand what you're talking about, but what I was saying about the tv etc.. was she'll come over to pick Jordan up. She'll sit in the floor and play with her, or pick her up and sit on the couch with her and just start talking. I stay out of it then and lots of times the tv will be on, or I'll be playing a game. She'll start talking to me and then I'll turn tv off etc. Then look her in the eyes etc and let her know, if she chooses to see it, that I'm giving her undivided attention.

Now, for the "arguments" they're not arguments. They're her getting irate and coming off subject. Like.. I'll try to system line it.

Me: Did you start cutting your Celexa pills in half?

Her: Yes I did. And half of those I will cut in 1/4s.

Me: Good, when did you start?

Her: Last Monday. Why?

Me: Curious about side effects, have you felt any different?

Her: I TOLD YOU! I AM COMING OFF THESE PILLS TO PROVE TO YOU MY DECISION ISN'T BECAUSE OF THE MEDICATION! I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND ON DIVORCE JUST BECAUSE OF 1 WEEK OF CUTTING MY DOSES IN HALF. STOP BRINGING UP THE DIVORCE, I WANT THE DIVORCE!

me calmly: I didn't say anything about D. You brought that up. I'm not having that discussion. I simply asked how you felt, we were talking about the weaning off medication. Have you had brain zaps, bouts of depression, chest pain, stomach cramps etc.

Her: Well I'm not changing my mind, there's nothing yet to make me not want a Divorce.

Me: Look, if this is all your'e going to do is keep bring this up and yelling at me, I got go. bye.


Now, we spoke for 18 min's prior to that incident. She seemed happy talking about Jordan and her activities, schooling etc. Even about Celexa, her drug. But in an instant she turned it into D talk. I shut her down. She stopped me when I said bye and said "I didn't mean to get to that." and I politely told her "that's ok. I have to go anyways"

ANother example I just remembered. She was here picking up Jo again one night. She seemed tired, but our conversation was going good. She came over earlier than expected and we were watching a movie. She started talking and I paused the movie. SHe said "You don't have to pause it" I said "Yes I do, you're talking. That's what Pause and Stop are for"

So we chatted a bit, she was telling me about work and how her hours are being cut and stuff. Then suddenly Jo wanted to talk to her... she FLIPPED and yelled at Jordan. I said "Hey, she didnt' deserve to be yelled at, why are you so mad at her?" She flipped.

Her behavior is erratic. She was NEVER like this before. She never snapped. Never raised her voice at me or Jordan. She is fighting something. Since I've realized this, I've learned to become much more bending to her and trying to learn ways of calmly shutting her episodes down.

Hope this helps a bit. I have trouble saying things clearely, I apologize.

How about when she comes over, the TV is already off and you're playing with Jordan? You aren't going to see your W for very long during these trade offs, so show her a snapshot of a Dad that would rather play with his D than a video game! You do spend time with her and play with her, right? Show your wife that. It's attractive

No, that actually IS an arguement! To be honest, you kind of initiated it. Before you start any more conversations, try to picture how your questions and reactions will play out. I bet you may have known before hand how this convo was going to end....ask youself that. Did you expect her reaction would be negative?

If you feel you HAD to have this conversation, it could have gone like this....

Me: Did you start cutting your Celexa pills in half?

Her: Yes I did. And half of those I will cut in 1/4s.

Me: Great!



Her behavior is erractic becuase she is struggling with her decisions. Her mind is as muddy as yours right now. She probably doesn't know which way is up either. It is good that you are recognizing this and remaining calm. One thing I would recommend though, don't "shut her down". No matter how you go abot this, it will come off as condesending and controlling. Just validate her "you seem angry and you have the right to be"....validate her and she will calm herself down. A much better approach.

I agree with SP. That's not communicating. Have the game shut off before she comes and spend that time with your D. In terms of your D, you have to be superdad now and spend twice as much attention on her since your W is gone.