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Thank you labug

I THINK this weekend was a step in the right direction RE: not pressuring W.

I was asked last Sunday by SILs to ask W to come to Super Bowl party. Which I did, on Thursday. Once.

W asked me to let her know the details when I knew exact time, etc. which I did. Once.

W let me know yesterday she was "having a lot of anxiety" and wouldn't be there. I just told her sorry she had the anxiety and joked that it might be therapeutic to come shout at the TV for a while.

I went and had a good time w/all three kids and my in-laws. Missed her for sure, but didn't pine over it.

Didn't pressure her into coming.

For the first time since BD today I listened to the news and actually cared a little bit about what is going on in the world.

Looked into work today. This one is definitely last on my list if the other 2 interviews don't come through. Confident I will be working by the end of the month, most likely sooner.

A good day today, with a few minutes in the twilight zone. W and I met w/school guidance counsellor regarding S16 grades and attitude. One of the ?'s he asked was "Has there been any traumatic events in his life recently that you can think of?" W said no. I said nothing, just looked at her. She wouldn't make eye contact. The fact that we are recently separated came out in the discussion, without me saying it or blaming S grades on it. I am just puzzled how she could answer that way, but I'm moving on.

As she dropped me off, we talked in the car for a few minutes. She mentioned C, I asked if it was going well, she said really well. I said I'm glad. I got a call from a job I'd applied to while we were talking, did a phone interview right then and there. (Following up in person tomorrow) This one could be a career op, not just filling in. She commented how confident I sounded. I was glad she saw me do the interview.

I don't really remember our conversation well, think its from changing gears to interview and back.

I do remember her expressing her anger about me not stepping up in the past, now elaborated into the fact that it hurt her relationship with kids as she had to work more and more outside home. I agreed with her.

C told her we love each other but not in a healthy way, neither of us is healthy enough to be together right now. I asked if she said we shouldn't get back together, she did not, only said not right now. I conceded.

She expressed feeling pressure from me, only in different words...I apologized, said on days I'm feeling productive, moving on jobs etc it's hard to put on the brakes and not expect or at least be eager for progress with her, too. She said she could understand that. Said she has lots of healing to do and so do I.

I don't remember exactly what she asked me right now but my answer was "Because I love you and I miss you." Not technically allowed in DBing but I remember thinking at the time there is no other answer to the question she asked. she asked how I could love her, and knowing I was going in the wrong direction I just said "I just do"

We both believe me working in a job with a future will help me tremendously with my anxiety etc. (I didn't talk about my anxiety)

She stated "The whole time I was cheating on you, you were treating me like $h!t" If someone said that in a movie I'd laugh. What I took from it at the time was the past tense.

W mentioned boundaries again. I said she needs the skill because even though I am making progress on myself, no one is perfect and she will need to be able to be strong and enforce her bounds if I start to backslide.

I am ALMOST ready to do something fun in the GAL. Definitely when I have a promising job. Also heard a rumor that I'm as good as hired at the company I want to be at the most so far, it will just take longer than I want.......story of my life right now.

C told her we love each other but not in a healthy way, neither of us is healthy enough to be together right now. I asked if she said we shouldn't get back together, she did not, only said not right now. I conceded.
Two unhealthy people can't have a healthy R, so keep working on you to become healthy and allow her the freedom to work on her-without pressure from you.

You conversations sound less pressured. That's good.

On the subject of boundaries, it sounded a bit like you told your W she needs to be your mother. What about your boundaries? How are you working on those?

That's what I was hoping, thanks for the confirmation.

that's not what I meant. I was trying to say, given my past tendency to walk over her, if she has strong boundaries she won't feel intimidated to let me know when I'm starting down that path, if I do.

That is a tricky area where I think I am still figuring myself out. I think I am correct in saying I am narcissistic. Dont know if im exactly right, but what I mean is I crave admiration. I have arranged my life so I get plenty of it. In my business I am a teacher/coach,athlete and entertainer all at once. In my role at church, I selected, arranged and performed all the music. (I have pulled back from that and now play music but am not 'center stage') I believe my reluctance to take on work in the past that would have supported the family was due to me not wanting to give up time doing either of those activities. I let those activities ruin my marriage, because it feels good having ppl tell me how wonderful I am.
I believe my priorities are adjusted now. I am looking to phase out of my business (already reduced schedule), when I have a career, and most of the jobs I'm considering preclude me participating in the music at church. I am at peace with both. The church one was hardest, but I have come to realize my highest calling is God, then family, then church. I had equated serving in church with serving God. I've heard many ppl do.

My point in all that is, as far as boundaries, if I felt admired or flattered my boundaries were virtually nonexistent. However, I am very good at asserting boundaries, I think...flat out turned down a job a couple years ago that would have interfered with the music. I could come up with other examples...

boundaries w/W right now...nonexistent ? She is where she is and I haven't given up on her...I believe our sitch is temporary, is the best explanation I can give.

Sounds like you're moving in the right direction with your boundaries. You having strong boundaries will also keep you from straying into territory that isn't yours.

I've read many books on boundaries as this is also an issue of mine. You might like Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. They have a website, check it out.

Labug that site is what I need.
Spent hours on it last night, more planned this afternoon.
I understand C strategy w/W now, I think!!!

I'm glad it was helpful for you. But just remember, stay out of her sandbox.

You develop your boundaries, she will develop hers. You each have to play your part. You can't help her do this.

What I'm learning is making that seem easier, for the time being.

It's the book C is having W go through. Just went out and picked it up. And the workbook. My thinking is if I understand the boundary idea and how important it is I will be more willing to respect each of our boundaries.

Took S20 to dinner and mall...felt good to hang out without worrying.