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Well it seems like the d train is full steam ahead, and I feel very good about my efforts since I found this site. A couple minor backslides, all in all a decent job. So if it goes all the way I am blaming all of you. In all honesty after each backslide I have returned to a better place of detachment.

Something else that I thought of is that I used to let little things bother me and I would internalize it. In turn I would act cold and sullen. Since coming across DB and learning how a PMA is so important, I have learned to let the little things bounce of me.

Also "acting as if" and "fake it til ya make it" are truly words to live by. I know in the beginning I would get out with the kids and I would enjoy myself. Although I think that most anyone could tell I wasn't completely present. Recently I have been enjoying the time and the moments more than I ever have. As much as I owe thanks and gratitude for everyone on this board, I owe my children the most credit for keeping me out of the abyss. They used to bring a tear to my eye when I would think about how unfair this is to them, now they bring a tear to my eye when I think about how much I love them. I still have some fears about the potential effects on them. I am dealing with those and I realize nothing is written in stone as far as what "might" happen.

We went rollerblading tonight and out of the blue, a woman commented to me that I seemed like really good dad. It was very nice to hear that. I think before BD, I was a decent dad, nothing special though. I am still not super dad, but I can honestly say that I am proud of the father I am becoming.

Detachment is coming along nicely as well. I am finally chopping at the pedestal that I had my w on. She is not perfect, she is a good mother, a good friend, and a good person. I would still very much want to make our r work, and have a loving, passionate future. On the same hand I am starting to see the attractiveness in other women. A future without my w, is not so daunting anymore. Not ready to persue that yet, so for now, and forever, I am planning on focusing on the r I have with my children.

eyes,

You sound like you are in such a healthy place. And the fact that other people are noticing the positive energy you are emitting is a VERY GOOD thing!

Your posts on others' threads are something I look for too. You are really starting to "give back" to others in very thoughtful ways, which I think is easier to do when you are in a stronger place.

And, DBing is about becoming that person you want to be. Unfortunately I don't want to admit this, but I think w/o the BDs we've all gotten, we wouldn't be able to have all this deep self-reflection and opportunity for growth.

Although I would really like to fast-forward through this year (in terms of moving ahead w my life & getting through the necessary stages of grief/abandonment) I realize you have to experience the pain and hardness to get to that brighter place.

I think you are getting there!

GTO,

I would agree, I think I am "getting there". Although like everyone I still have my down times. I miss my w, and I miss having my family together. I can say those things, without dwelling on them, it is just my life right now.

When I reflect, I can now see that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was after BD. Things weren't as good as they could be. I agree without BD, and DB, we wouldn't become the people we were meant to be. We have to stay the course. That is why it is so important to deal with the negative emotions. Until those are gone, I don't think we can really start to change and grow.

I read your comment about not going to your work party. Before BD I probably would have felt the same way about not going. I am now trying to talk to everyone I come across. For one I am trying to become more social. Another reason is that I want to become a better listener, and also everyone has something to offer us, good or bad. Even though you don't think there was anyone to make small talk with, you never know what they have to offer until you get them to open up. And maybe they don't want to talk to you. Try 180ing them and see what happens.

I would also like to say that I think you are getting there as well. You seem to have a grasp on the process, it is just a matter of time and patience. That first bit of advice that Cadet gave us when we got here, is one of the most important.

Focusing on yourself and your kids will help you to continue detaching. Stop looking at her faults/shortcomings and look at your own and work on them!

Great job!

Veroprado,

I don't dwell on her shortcomings. It is more the realization that she isn't as perfect as I thought. Just another step in letting go. A well needed step.

The focus is on my children and myself.

Thank you for the reminder though. I can see how it would be easy to to revert back to old ways if we focus on their faults.

I understand what you are doing...sometimes the spell is so strong on you...you have to do what you have to do to break it....

how are things going so far? When you said D is full steam what did you mean by that?

I mean she hired a lawyer to draw up the paperwork. She has requested some more info from me, just retirement account values. And we are figuring out what I will owe her for the house.

I am usually okay with talking about it, unless it is with my W. I have accepted that this what she thinks will make her happy. So I need to get out of her way.

Other than that things are going really well. How are you?

Oh I see...do you have a lawyer yet? I have often thought about what do to when or if it comes to this. I have read on some D sites that you should not hold on so much to the house. I know there is sentimental value etc... but around here the prices are back up to all time highs...I think I will move out and rent and we can split the money from the house...plus it would be nice to start over with a new place and new neighbors that don't wince when they look at me...I know maybe just my projection.

I like how you say "other than that things are going really well"....sometimes I can say that and it feels really good. I am doing o.k right now had to drop my D's off at W house yesterday and there was a lot of tears from them...they did not want to go and I did not want them to go..we had a good week...
How are your kids doing with this?

I have spoken to a lawyer. At this point I am going to wait to see the terms from her lawyer. If they are acceptable I will sign. Otherwise I will bring them to the lawyer that I have spoken with.

I would perfer to stay in the house for awhile, as it is my childrens home as well. I want to do everything in my power to keep them as comfortable as possible. To me a house is a house. A home is wherever the family is. At some point I would like to downsize, but for now I will stay. Even if financially I would be better off selling. So far the kids are doing really well. Not sure if it is due to the fact that my w and I are getting along better than expected.

I think it also helps that my children typically don't go more than one full day without seeing my w, and usually no more than two days without seeing me.

" If they are acceptable I will sign. Otherwise I will bring them to the lawyer that I have spoken with."

DO NOT be naive. Regardless of what her L offers, ALWAYS get it checked out with YOUR L. Her L is out to get the best in her interest and not yours. I've seen it time and time again on here.