Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Seriously? You Don't Know His Name?

VG, first of all, thank you for posting on my thread. You gave me very good advice (which for some reason I didn't see until now--maybe bc you were on moderation.)

I agree you're doing great. My suggestions? 1) Be prepared to be patient--really patient. This could take a while. 2) Follow the DB rules: GAL, and work on yourself. 3) Make yourself less available (don't fall into the trap of seeing her every day, bc she might say that she didn't really have a separation bc she saw you all the time and didn't have a chance to miss you--that's what my H said.)

Good luck as you start this journey. You'll see what great support you will get on this board.

Tori, yes I was on moderation until this morning.

Thanks for the advice on making myself less available. The odd thing is since our separation (started 16 days ago) I have seen or heard (phone call or text) from my W every day but one. We have agreed that we will see each other 3 days/week for various things. I indicated I would not initiate contact the other 4 days (and actually I've been doing this since October, giving her space). However, she is contacting me on these other days. Usually kids logistics but sometimes chatting about someone we know or something she did. She is kind of letting me know what she is up to all the time. No talk about the relationship however and I'm not going there unless she initiates.

VG, this is exactly what my H did. He would call, text and email every day--I never initiated contact. But then he complained he had never had a chance to miss me. I asked why he called me, and he said he had felt obligated and that's why he had done it. I don't know what the truth is, but remember the WAS is very confused. Maybe you can try not answering the phone sometime, or waiting a longer than usual time to get back to her.

Good idea to not talk about the R now.

How are you doing emotionally?

I am much better now compared to the first 2 months after BD. At that time I was a train wreck. Always anxious, mind spinning, frantically searching the internet for answers, over analyzing, unable to sleep, significant weight loss (I wasn't even overweight), unable to function at work.

Now much better with time and having learned much about myself and our relationship.

The S has been mixed emotions. The biggie, of course, is 50% time without the kids. That is tough when they are not with me. My positive feelings are compassion, graditude, happiness, relieved, more at ease with our sitch, feel good about myself.

My negative feelings are unsettled, unsure, bummed, sad, and at times I admit I have resentment and anger. I let those feelings roll through but don't let them consume me. I have a friend who I vent those feelings with.

The sitch is still usually in my mind, but not all consuming like it was.

Mostly feel good because I really do believe I am doing things for myself, not to save the M. No matter what happens, I am lucky and will have a good life.

On a side note, my W keeps contacting me more and more it seems on our off days. I'm not getting too caught up in that but noting that as perhaps positive signs, maybe baby steps. Yesterday she stopped by the house while I was not there and made dinner and desert so it was there waiting for me when I got home from work.

VG, I see many positive things:
1. You seem to have a more positive outlook
2. You're doing things for yourself
3. You're noticing the positive things rather than dwelling on the negative--the fact that your W made dinner is actually great
4. You have a friend to vent

Keep it up, and let us know how things go.

Thank you for your support.

Don't read too much into the daily contact with W. It doesn't necessarily mean her feelings for you are changing.

I also feel the no contact thing is over prescribed here. Notice in DR Michele promotes it as just one of the many techniques to try, and a "Last Resort Technique" at that. It's not something that everyone must do right off the bat.

To me, NC smacks too much as "teach 'em a lesson". Sure, you don't want to pursue her, but that doesn't mean you have to cut off contact. It's a dance, and you're letting her lead for now. If she's contacting you, don't fight it, go with it.

The end goal is to have a great connection with your wife, so I see contact as a good thing.

BTW, what's LTTCOI?

Tori and FY,
Thanks for your words. They are very helpful. I have to remember not to read too much into things. I agree, go with the contact W initiates.

One of my mantra's:

LTTCOI = Let Tomorrow Take Care Of Itself

Just journaling some thoughts and conversations with my W.

Seems like a couple of weeks ago my W was warming up to me (going from cold to lukewarm) and now seems to have gone back to cold. When I say cold, she is cordial like a neighbor and we are conversing well when we do see each other but just suddenly less communications from her towards me and less hugs. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it. I have not been initiating communications or contact with her so just discouraging that she is not doing those things as frequently. Feels like she is slipping away.

I have a Valentines gift, nothing romantic, and undecided whether to give it or not. I think I might wait and see if she gives me anything. I don't think she will.

Back early in our sitch my W said something like "you know I had decided I was going to divorce you when our youngest reached college". A few days ago she said something like "I didn't expect that I'd be separated in our relationship". Kind of confused me based on previous comment that at one point she had her mind made up to this latest comment.

Just a downer week for me. Just need to ride the ups and downs.

Wow, how well I know this. One day W is wanting to joke and tease and show emotion, next she will barely give me the time of day. I am adjusting to accepting that this is how is will be for now. Slipping away... I too feel this and it isn't fun, it hurts and is very scary, I think we just need to keep trying to focus on GAL and 180's, hard to do I know.

I too am riding the roller coaster from hell, hang in there!

VG, thanks for commenting on my post. I just read your sitch and ours seem so similar. W says she needs space. W running warm and cold. Distancing and BD around the same time. I am also in a cold stage now. Who knows why? I sometimes think S would make things a little easier but it scares me to death. Good luck and I will keep following your sitch.