Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

I think she's given you several hints about wanting to see if things could be better with you. Remember that

she will only come home to reconcile IF & ONLY IF

she believes, marriage to you can be better/different than before.

Your job is showing her that it could be.

While I agree....(and you know I luv ya 25 )

I think that this could be expanded a little more...


I think HIS job is actually being better, regardless whether or not she chooses to see it. She may never choose that, yet it doesn't mean that UF shouldn't decide to do better...regardless.

Then, after time and consistent actions , she will either believe it or not, but that will be on her. Either way, UF will be better because of it.

Yes, she WILL need to see it...

I just don't think he should focus on showing her anything right now....

But hey, that's just me....

I was a bit backwards on that point. I wanted a house and a child, THEN marriage. I know common sense might dictate marriage first, but that's how I felt at the time.

Of course I can't really speak on her behalf, but I got the impression she felt marriage/house/child would make our R dreamy. I on the other hand saw it as something wonderful BUT also something that could be strenuous on the R. I guess I was afraid she wouldn't see that part.

For me it was more that if we could get through the stresses of housebuilding and having a child we were "ready".



I'm not proud, not at all. And continuing those hobbies(risk exposed) while having a child IS selfish.
I've gone through it in my head a million times "is this justifiable?".
Stood my ground was bad phrasing. She never asked me to give them up, although the last half year she asked me to cut back. This will explain better :
She said she wanted a child NOW. I told her I wanted one as well and that I know we both have for a couple of years. I told her to give me AND HER some time to reflect upon it, and to remember my line of work and hobbies. She said it was no problem and she was ready now, but a couple of months later I told her I wanted to try.

During S2 first year I had 13 weeks of from work, and all through I've changed diapers, fed him, bathed him, got up in the middle of night during working days etc etc(I know this is merely what is to be expected) I didn't just kick back and do nothing, but I could have done a lot more.
My hobbies are weather-dependent and I do them about once a week, sometimes there is weeks even months with nothing. Last year I had 3 active weeks in total. I took time of from work to attend doctor/check ups/appointments etc. BUT b/c of my insane work schedule, all this^^^is ..well..barely minimum of what I should have done. And b/c of MY insane work schedule I'M the one who should have sacrifised more.
I thought, like several other men I've seen on these boards, I was "providing" for the family.



What had her upset most often was IE the fact that she could say in casual conversation her plans for day X, and next day I might ask what she was doing for day X. So mostly that I always forgot date/times/schedules she had.

But of course, I know I have a lot of work to do in listening. Especially on feelings. Had I lived even remotely close to the area, EE would be really interesting. I guess for now I'll check what similar workshops I might find in my own area/country.



Ugh. It seems so obvious in hindsight. I really hope to get better on this.



I bought an appartment when we were quite young. She didn't have any income, so it was never an option to buy together. I'll admit though it felt safer buying alone.
HOWEVER, at some point she said she didn't like it and didn't feel like we should live there. I thought she was being picky as it was a newly built apartment and I would loose a lot of money if I backed out.
SO, yes, I disregarded her wish. For several years.
And I'm ashamed of that, I really am.

I finally put it out for sale, and we went as a family(all 3) to several housebuilders in search of a house we could build and call our own. We did the paperwork, but the officials stalled for over a year and there was a lot of frustration. Again her income was small. She resented being dependent on me. Before we started building BD came tumbling down over my head.

The last part of your quote makes total sense! Strong point for sure.




About GAL. Time with S is time with S and will not be comprimised by my hobbies.
I've been sick a lot the last months so GAL has been disappointing, but I've started working out again, being more social, INITIATING more social activities which is something I didn't do much. New activities I want to try is solo vacation out of country, rock climbing, flying lessons, fishing, hikes in some higher mountains(for the sake of hiking). I'm also open to other social activities as well as my current hobbies.

However wanting to do is one thing, and means nothing before I go for it. I'm looking forward big time to getting my strenght back and getting out there!