Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

I called her and told her about my commitments and that I would not be able to have S at that time. That I had forgot about our talk and unfortunately things crashed a bit now, my bad.

She said she was frustrated but "it is what it is". She would ask her mother to step in. Also, she said that It seemed my primary objective was to sabotage her plans in case of OM, and that I couldn't be doing that just b/c it could be an OM in the picture.

I told her "I see how I gave that impression yesterday. I'm completely aware of the fact we are not together anymore and you are free to do what you want. My primary objective is for us to be able to communicate on relation to S. I appreciate if you keep me posted on what will be the arrangement with S. I'm free to have him x or x." and I left it at that and we said good bye on good terms.

I do need to let go of the fact-finding tendencies, and judging her privat life decisions. I'm not being consistent at all on this point.
I hope to be able to let go of her completely. I need it and she needs it, no matter what the future holds. I'm the only one who can work on that and make it happen.

About 24 hour rules and what not. I try to respond to her straight away if face to face, and to respond fairly quickly otherwise.
However.....if I feel upset or hurt then I realize my head is probably not in the right place and I choose to give myself time before responding/reacting. This has worked quite well and I know this has helped me on several occasions by reacting more healthy. .

Yes the 24 hour rule is good for cooling down and getting your thoughts straight. It is also good to determine if the message is important or just an attempt to pull you into the drama.

But.

This is only needed when you are not detached.

Life long important decisions always take time to investigate and get a second or legal opinion.

When you hit that detachment level you will be confident in replying.

"I will be looking over all my options. I will update you later with my decision."



Basically were saying the same thing. Just with different words

Same outcome.

Detached ,confident and in control.

Right on!

For now I need time to reflect on certain matters, b/c I'm not at THAT point in detachment, and I don't think she is either. This makes for hard comms between us.
And that is why I need to grasp what you are telling me, about detaching, about not getting in to R/OR talks etc.

We have shared lots, and grew into adults together. No matter what happens, we have shared so many experiences and so much love. I know deep down I want her to be happy, it's my feelings, grief and ego standing in the way.

She's checked out. I know myself how easy it is to distance yourself in hard times when you have a understanding friend(of opposite sex) in your life.

I need to make time and space my friend. Work on myself and focus on what will make MY life better. Usually I'm the kind of guy who goes all in to achieve my goals, I need this guy back.
Before I learn to detach I can not be happy for either of us.

Thanks for you insights CB, I really appreciate every time you chime in. Although I clearly have a hard time putting all the advice/principals into action, at least I know what to work on.

So we had 2 get togethers b/c of son the last days.
No R/OR talks and just smiles and laughs. Almost felt like how things were before.

We discussed a couple things like work, S, living arrangements etc.

Because of work I will have little time to see S in the weekdays for a couple of weeks. She would let me have him in the weekends instead. I'm really glad she was open to making an arrangement. I will miss S for sure!

She is coming to collect her furniture this weekend. Turns out she couldn't get help so she is asking me to help getting the stuff out of my appartment and she would handle the rest. I was set on not helping her move her stuff out since this was solely her decision, but I feel like a jerk if I refuse to help her get the stuff out into the car. I know some here say "don't help them move out".

She also mentioned as well as me having him in the weekends I could stop by her new appartment after work to spend time with him. She knows he will be asleep after work, so I didn't really answer to that. I also didn't think she would like having me around.

Today she was happy, joking, laughing at my jokes. She wanted to grab some food after S exercise. I said ok to grab a quick snack. She then started asking if she could stop by today and get some stuff from my place. I said no.



Even though weak, she sometimes gives of mixed signals. I don't read to much into it though. It is what is, and I will continue my path towards a better me and a better life.

Do people really think I shouldn't help her get her stuff out of my appartment?

Well, she has asked you so if it doesn't hurt you helping her I'd give her a hand. After all, another DB advice is to validate the feelings and actions of the spouse. By helping her you signal that you are seemingly fine with her moving out.

I think you should do what is right. Which includes no R talks.

Cool, calm, collect and in control.

There's been no R talks with her.

I talked a bit with her father(he initiated). He was not happy about the situation and wished it didn't turn out the way it did.

I could tell she have made them believe that we agreed on breaking up, but I didn't place blame.
I guess she just wants a clean break with no drama.

I told him we will see what the future holds, right now priority number 1 is son. And that I was glad he had some male figures in his life as well.


I've been doing quite good with GALing.
I've been outside the country on a short trip, wich was a nice break from all of this.
I've kept up with my exercise program and eating healthy.
Spending time with friends, flirting with girls etc etc.

Friends keep asking about POM, and what she is doing with her life.
I'm the one who is supposed to be nagging LOL. If they keep it up I need to tell them to stop asking.
I don't know about POM and I (thanks god) don't want to spend time and energy on it.

She invited me over to spend some time with S and to see her new apartment. It was really nice and S finally has his own room.
Even though I wish I could be in their life more than now, I was very happy to see they found a nice place to live.

I played with S, fed him, changed diapers, got him ready for bed and lay down with him. My X layed down on the opposite side of S and until he fell asleep we lay there on each side of him.

I was focused on S, but the few times I looked over at her she had a blank, sad look on her face. Just looking out into the room. I also noticed she was looking at me several times when my focus was towards S.

It's been long since I've seen her like that. Impossible to know what she was thinking, that's for her to know.

Spending more time with S tomorrow. No matter what he always brightens up my days

All very good perspectives UF! and way to handle that tough conversation with her dad.

Keep on Keeping on.

Thanks Val !

Perspective is an interesting thing...
You see I had to re-activate my facebook to get in touch with a friend, and I thought if I read the conversation log between me and my X it could give me some better perspective about the whole situation leading up to BD.

While reading the things I wrote, at least a couple of times I told myself "you idiot!" LOL

I will continue reading, b/c now in hindsight when I'm not IN the situation, I think it can be helpful in seeing my faults in communication.