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hi, roses, thanks for posting! No baby steps whatsoever. H has not brought up R since before Christmas, when he made it very clear he is still in love w OW and needs to "follow his heart." He still comes to house every day after school for kids and in the afternoons on the weekends. our paths only cross briefly during the week (or some days not at all). Our convos have been limited to kids stuff.

Had a bad night last night. S11 was having difficulty w following directions to get t bed (was extremely hyper, as he sometimes gets). I grew impatient and sharp w him---he said I was being mean and grabbed the phone to call his dad (that's what he's done 2-3 times before when he gets upset w me/my actions toward him). But, no answer.

As I am apologizing for my "meanness" and try to calm him down S9 is interrupting for my attention and I snapped at him too! Next thing I know he's on the phone w my H telling him I yelled at him.

Why am I the bad guy???!!!!

I apologized to him after he got off the phone & S9 & I cried together realizing our reactions were both due to the same reason ("daddy not being here"--his words, not mine).

Anyway I felt like all apologies were made and we were all okay going to bed, but I felt AWFUL that I let my emotions about H get involved when interacting w my boys. I feel like I let myself down , as well as them.

We are going to see a FC next Tuesday (just me & boys) for first visit. Hoping we can keep our family glued together.

S13 missed the bus this morning & I had to scramble around to get other two out the door & bring him to school late. (I just HATE HATE HATE doing this by myself!!!)

GAL tonight- boys & I are going to movie night at S9s school. Hopefully that will good for all of us!

I love my boys, but I feel bad I am just so sad in my heart that it spilled over to them. (I'm trying, but sometimes I just fall short.)

GTO - My heart goes out to you.I am so glad that you are going to a FC. I think they will help you and your boys get the issues out in the open.
I know all about the morning rush. I have to get 2 boys out to the bus as well. They can never find their shoes or whatever, its always something. I hate doing it by myself, but you just do it anyway.

Have you read all the MLC success stories. I am still in hte process of reading and re-reading them. They really do help me cope and detach from the situation.

The one thing is that your H is still coming around. I know its harder on you. But he could be completely gone. He chooses to come home for a little while at least. Try to use that time to connect and see you happy. I know its hard.

Thanks, roses,
I do need to read the MLC success stories.

I talked with a co-worker/friend after work today & afterwards I felt so optomistic. Basically she was just reminding me that I deserve to be happy and to be w someone who wants to be w me & love me unconditionally. I thought that was H, but apparently not anymore.

As I've said before H seems very resolute about his path moving toward OW. Friend agreed though that H definitely is living in a fantasy world (in his head) about what life might be like w OW. She has two younger (than ours) children & I can guarantee H does NOT want MORE family life!

I can definitely see them dating/see one another while her soon-to-be ExH has their kids while they go off in this pseudo-reality world to date. I can see this going on for a while too as this seems to be what H wants-just her.

Sorry, I know I am predicting future events & that's not healthy.

Had a good movie night w boys at S9s school-Madagascar 3.

A whole day of basketball 10am-4:30pm tomorrow! I love watching my boys play. H coaches two of the boys' teams, which makes them happy, & I'm glad H wants to still be involved. Which also means H won't come to house tomorrow (which I am glad about, b/c then I don't have to worry about how to act/be).

I'm wondering how long things will stay "in limbo". Glad to stay here for now though (as opposed to H started to date OW).

GAL outside of activities w boys isn't easy at all (except for gym).

GTO, the gym counts! Try a new class and talk to the people in the class. Maybe you can make new friends.

Remain patient...and try to avoid predicting the future and reading your H's mind. I don't know, but based on what happened to me, I wonder if your H is already moving beyond the EA. I don't mean to make you worry even more, but I thought my H was only having an EA, and he swore he would tell me if he ever even consider a PA, but he lied for months while the PA was happening...People do crazy things, even people you thought you knew well.

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GTO, you're awfully hard on yourself. Read post 2317720 again and count how many times you put yourself down. How is that serving you?

Those of us who have high expectations and put lots of pressure on ourselves usually have much the same expectations for others.

Is that true of you?

If so, how is it helping you?

GTO, Labug is right.

"I felt AWFUL that I let my emotions about H get involved when interacting w my boys. I feel like I let myself down , as well as them."

I can assure you that this happens to all of us. It's normal in our sitches; we are all under immense stress.

You are ahead of the pack in being able to recognise that you might do things differently. And you have a strong support network here.

Keep posting and try to be kind to yourself; you are doing OK.

GTO,

I would like to ask you when things seemed normal with your husband, were there times that you had a bad day, and were a little harder on your children? I not saying this to make a excuse for treating them harshly because of your h. I am saying it because you are human. But since BD those things that might have caused you to have a bad day are now minor, and probably hardly have the same effect they once had. It is amazing how BD gives us a new perspective.

So now instead of those bad days causing your parenting patience to wane, it is your H actions. NLW is right, you recognize it, so YOU can change it. I for one am happy that I too recognized it, and now my children are disciplined based on their actions, not someone else's that affected me. Just as it always should have been.

Thanks, eyes, bug, NLW & Tori,

I know I get down on myself when it comes to my boys & dealing w all the parenting issues by myself. I do recognize my high expectations and the pressure I put on myself. Most nights we (me & the boys) do okay. We are getting used to our "new normal."

Tori, I don't think H has moved into a PA w OW yet, but you are right that it could already be happening and he just hasn't told me (as he said he would). If/When this happens I think I will be done. I've thought about this a lot & his actions have been so deliberate & thought out that I think if he goes into a PA it will just be the decision he's come to after this whole time of "thinking it through."

On another note my mom's BF ( and long-time family friend) who was only 60 suddenly died in her sleep this weekend--no previous medical history/illness. Just died. Her death as well as my MIL's in August has me really thinking about life differently.

GTO, sorry about the death of your mom's BF. Yes, things like these make you think.

In regard to the EA/PA, wait and see what happens. I told my H I would be done if he ever had a PA. He said he understood so he would never do it. He did it anyway. I found out. I thought I was done for about a day. Then I started to have second thoughts. So the lesson is that you never know how you're going to react until something finally happens.

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Tori,
It is true that I don't know what I'll do when/if EA turns to PA. BUt I think my H will file at that point b/c he has insisted during this S he is going to "live as a M man." For him I know he thinks that means no sex w OW. So, I think his way to pursue a PA will be to D me so it's "okay." IDK

Barely saw/talked to H today as he left house immediately when I got home from gym. Saturday we sat at S13s basketball game together and talked about kid issues and a few other misc things. But at least it didn't feel completely uncomfortable.

On SUnday we actually played doubles ping-pong w boys which was fun (or so I thought), but H didn't seem to be too excited about it for some reason. Anyway, maybe it's hard for him to have any fun where I'm concerned. IDK

Have our FC apptmt tomorrow. I am going to talk to C first about what's going on & what I'm noticing w each of the boys then she will meet them all briefly. We will decide how to proceed/ if to proceed at the end of the visit (or after thinking about it).

Thinking today of my mom & what she's going thru at the loss of her BF...I've lost my BF too, except that he's CHOSEN to leave me. That hurts a lot. I know I could be/could have been a better wife (thus the 180s) but I know our M was definitely worthy of saving!! I just wish H would think so too.

What's so great about OW? IDK She's not that much younger/prettier; she has 2 younger children; she has the SAME job I have; she has an angry soon-to-be ExH; ...but H said at one point they (he & she) are both easy-going, she is funny, tells funny stories, they laugh together, she says lots of things to make him feel good about himself, and she "understands him."

How can I possibly be "the better choice" ??? I'm not sure that he can ever can that I am.