Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Rinse, repeat, replay

T^2 warn them? And miss all the excitement? No way Jose. I'm done wiping butts. He can sit in it.

GG you're the best! I'm so sorry you are right in the middle of this too. I put your quote up on my mirror weeks ago. It's so true. I'm more confident now than I've ever been.

hi hopper -



you know, i've read this a few times - and i'm not getting who you're talking about - people who think you're a terrible person. who thinks you're a monster?

areyou talking about your h and that he tells his parents you are? is that it?

just curious to fully understand

Sorry Nero. I mean new friends of his or extended relatives of his like cousins, aunt, uncles, who don't know me or the kids. He can tell them he is a horrible person for leaving a pregnant lady, and they tell him they don't judge him, he must have a good reason. She must be hell to live with. People who know both of us are finding it hard to be around him anymore. They remember how we used to be together. They remember how he openly adored me. Now they can't bare to see him treat me the way he does. They have seen a change in him. That he is weighted down. He looks terrible. His light has gone out.

hopper -

i see what you're saying. i would truly not worry one darn bit what any of those people think of you. why would you care if you don't know them and they're not a part of your life? people who know you and care for you will feel your pain- see your own light - and know who is the transgressor.



that is so sad - it says something maybe about his own "heart" that he can't hide his confusion & torment.

same here. well, people who know me well. he doesn't have many friends - they've always been kept well away from his day to day life- (computer is PERFECT for him- everyone arms distance and compartmentalized to write or read when HE feels like it). anyway-

my friends all (i'd guess) dislike him intensly. they see the pain - they are outraged - the ones that knew him well too, are like yours - amazed and stunned.

mind you tho- my h still acts like normal alot of the time- no one can notice anything on their own . he's a big actor . again, wonder why he bothers. maybe it bothers him sooooo little (personally) to be making me miserable - he finds it easy to act normal. he is alot nicer to me last year or so than for several years before that (when i didn't know and he was (is) cheating. he was rotten to live with.

he wants to be a nice guy to the world. - he wants his family to think he's a nice guy- (they do know, btw that he cheats) - MAYBE what anyone in the world thinks of them and us doesn't matter - it's what we KNOW bout ourselves and then that is the "weight". guilt... it's a killer.

so- your h tells people he's a rat - so they can comfort him. God - the sick variations kills me- how the heck did men get so nuts? i'd say most DO NOT have any kind of good reasons for what they do- but this is my sticking point. i always come back to thinking it's free will and they are self-centered rats pandering to their own need for excitement- adventure- stroking- that no amount of love or trust or devotion is ENOUgh - they are GREEDY and want to not miss anything out there that might be worth having - also.

sorry- maybe someday i'll get over that one. not sure.

they're stuck in the grass is always greener mode- we pay the price

xxo

Hopper,
Heard this song today and thought of you...while I know we are not charged to be the 'fixers', I also know that we would do absolutely anything in our power to 'fix' our MLC spouses. The message seems oddly backward but something about the lyrics really spoke to me.

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I personally prefer the Straight No Chaser version, but whatever floats your boat...being a former choir girl priss, I'm in love with all those a capella harmonies.

You know I have so much hope for you...I think I have hope for you because I don't have hope for me anymore.

Peace,
GG

GG, that is one of my favorite songs. I got into doing some song recordings a few weeks ago and it was one of the ones I did. Absolutely love it. Another one that I got into before BD is this one. I know it is also one that H has played since he left and sent him into a depressive state thinking of me.

I Will Wait
by Mumford & Sons

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Oh wow. Those are powerful words...I'm very into the lyrics as well as the music. I'm sure it goes back to my choir days.

Hope you are well. <3

GG

From what I'm discovering it looks like H would have started cheating last Jan at the latest, maybe even earlier, with one of the OW. He is still cycling between all three and who knows there could be more. Does this change anything? I can't believe it has been going on so long. Am I just kidding myself?

Having a hard time today. In silence and patience, much becomes discovered, and I don't want to discover anymore. So three OW, and now I'm devastated that something physical happened with OW#2 over a year ago. It's all bad right? He's still FUBAR. He's still cheating. Why does this hurt more than the rest? Because I was blinded for so long? Because I thought his growing distance in early 2012 was to do with me and not his guilt? Because now I'm wondering if he has been cheating on me our entire marriage and he is a serial cheater, not in MLC?

There is only one OW(#1) that he has shown any of the kind of lovey, dovey MLC affair towards, but even then he has acted like they are very much just friends and she is the one he apparently cut all ties with or perhaps her to him, although I doubt that is completely severed. It still was very much closer to a friendship than a relationship, because there wasn't dating and they didn't really spend a lot of time together. The other two are strictly PA buddies only. They call him pet names and so forth, but he doesn't reciprocate.

I feel pulled from one extreme thought to another. I get that his ego needs to be feed and he has major insecurities and he is still so obviously being swallowed by depression most of the time. Still driving around for hours on end or sitting in his room. He can't handle the thought of what he is doing causing pain to me or the boys and it is enough to make him go in a hole for days.

These women are so nasty, I don't know how much of an ego boast he can be getting from it. I get it's about the conquest. He probably feeds off of them wanting him, when he is clearly using them. I don't know why this seems to change things in my mind. I feel like I had a hold of things and now I don't because of how long this has been going on. It's really disturbing and makes me question everything, like I don't even know what this is anymore or what I even want in the end. Not this. Not him. Not someone I go into a panic over is he or is he not going to cheat on me again. Not some man-child.

I have not said anything to him or plan to or have I changed how I act around him. He has no idea I know all this. I don't contact him, usually call him back later if he calls, and act happy and very put together when he is around. He has had some insecure moments with me and he is always sending me game requests through the phone and will play back right away when I play with him, even though I'll go a week or more without playing with him. But then I think this is one of the few ways he is reaching out to me, should I be responding sooner?

I feel like I'm on such a tightrope with him, not knowing how I'm supposed to act to be most effective. I need to give him space. I need to not always be available. But I need to be his friend. I need to make him feel comfortable around me. I feel like I'm playing a game of cat and mouse and I don't know which one I am. I can't play both sides of the coin at the same time.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

I don't have any advice or wisdom. Just know you aren't the only one feeling this way tonight.

And, I'm struggling with the cat and mouse thing too. All we can do is listen to others who have been down this path. I CAN say, after watching my mother and grandmother go threw MLC's with my dad and Grandpa, they didn't do this stuff. At least not willingly at first.

My mom and grandma both were victims. My grandma even overdosed on Tylenol because she wanted my Grandpa's attention after he left with his secretary.

Playing the victim didn't seem to get them anywhere. At least here I know, the marriage may not survive, but I will.

But I hear ya loud and clear... when someone you love is in pain and hurting you at the same time it's a daily struggle to find that balance.

Hang in.

Heather