Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

I read Leo's post and felt he and I were telling you the exact same things. The only difference I could see is that he mentioned moving out whereas I said the LBS should stand their ground, but other than that our thoughts and suggestions were the same. But you focus on perceived differences and want to throw our advice out and "go with your gut". But if our guts were right then begging/ pleading/ justifying/ explaining/ negotiating would bring our spouses back and this forum wouldn't exist. So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.



Honestly I don't go back and read my own threads, so you probably know more about what's in it than I do. But I think you are still stuck in "diagnosis" mode like I was. You want to overanalyze everything. Here's the deal- it doesn't matter whether my W was MLC or WAS. And it doesn't matter what your W is. What matters is YOU. YOU need to work on YOU. The DB'ing approach is the same for MLC and WAS. So quit fixating on a diagnosis and get busy with DB'ing.



Like I said, quit fixating on a diagnosis. I did it too. I did it a lot. My W was MLC. My W was a WAS. My W was in perimenopause. My W should get off of anti-depressants. I sent my W articles and links showing her what was "wrong" with her. I finally came to realize how destructive that all was and I focused on me and my problems and issues (there were many). Now that my W is talking about our M again, let me assure you, it was not my diagnoses, article and links that changed her mind. It was seeing me change into the H she wanted all along.



There's nothing there that leads anywhere. Get unstuck from this pattern.



Not so much "ignore" as "not be affected by" what she does. That's detachment, when you get there then nothing she does or says will affect your PMA.



Followed by long convo, LOL! Seriously, quit explaining/ justifying. Just go out and GAL and make some new friends!! We don't need lengthy explanations of why you don't have friends. I had no close friends at BD either, now I have quite a few in my support group.



(shakes head)



Then why did you give her 5 bucks? Are you sending a consistent message?



You think she has power over you now? That you need to take it back? That when you do, she won't have it anymore and will need to rethink things? She doesn't have power over you unless you allow yourself to remain codependent. If you release yourself from the codependent bonds, you're not taking power from her. You're just freeing yourself. Whether that will trigger anything in her DOESN'T MATTER because you have got to do it for you.



I hear you talk a lot about what you're going to start doing later. Talking about it is not GAL.



Yes, exactly. When are you going to start?



Your W has no power over you. I'm not sure if anyone has recommended the book "Codependent No More" yet to you, but if not then you should check it out.



DB'ing is all about working on you. You cannot work on your W. You cannot diagnose her and go get a pill that will make everything better. You cannot print out a list and follows steps A, B, C, etc. to get her back. Change YOU. Do 180's on YOUR faults. Give your W time and space. Work on yourself for months and months while leaving your W alone. Detach. GAL. Become independent. THEN your W may see and respect your changes and be drawn back to you. Just because we're telling you to quit focusing on your W and work on you does NOT mean we're not all about restoring marriages. Working on you is the path to restoring your marriage. Realistically, it doesn't always work. But the beauty in working on you, detaching and GALing is that even if the M isn't restored you will emerge a better person.

AnotherStander I actually agreed with your post 100%. I think it is better for W to stay home so she can see my changes. You also agreed with that strategy.

You said you knew their was at least a EA but probably a PA and still you would not have asked her to leave. I kind of feel the same way.

I felt Leo was more on the side of standing up for myself, maybe asking her to leave. Or maybe I got the wrong impression?

AS I read all of your posts to everyone, at night before I go to bed. i think you are doing an AWESOME job motivating people! Good job!

I really have a lot of respect for all of you. AS, 25years, MrBond, Advina, Leo, GH31, and a couple more i cant think of right now. When I see the massive amount of time you dedicate each and every day of your life to help us all out, it is truely a gift for all who come to this site.

I did not mean to sound like I did not appreciate the advice. It is just hard the truth about the odds, sometimes. But I respect you all for your dedication, and your knowledge of these things.

Heading to home Depot for a couple things to fix a leaky toilet, and a towel hanger that isn't secure. Part of my DIY 180s =)

OH and Crimson! My man. Much respect.

Here's an idea.

Go and read ten "sitches" of men who found themselves in your position once before and did whatever it took to fix themselves and their marriages.

Print them off, read them and make notes.

You will start to notice patterns.

Apply what you learn.

If you want to get slim, don't take advice from fat people.

I got lots of conflicting advice when I first came here but I was only interested in that which had been proven to be effective.

GH31

GH31, i thought you had disappeared!

The successful ones I know of, are the ones you have told e about:

Nathan, David, Denver_2010, You,

Anyone else? I have read a lot of those threads but would like to take a look at more when I have time. Who else is on the list?

In his case he left, but yeah, that was the main difference between our posts. And sometimes it does make sense for the LBS to leave, maybe the WAS owned the house previously, or they live in a place the LBS can't afford, etc. Every sitch is different. But in general, we suggest the LBS hold their ground and not force the WAS out, but let the WAS decide that on their own.



Many thanks!



I know where you are coming from, when my sitch started I just wanted people to tell me it would be OK and the M would be restored, that is ALL I wanted to hear! Anything else was just too painful to read! But it does get better, the things we talk about here- GAL, detachment, those are the keys to getting your self-esteem back, feeling better about yourself, healing, and truly moving to the point where you know you'll be fine whether with or without your W (but hopefully with).



Good job!



Things are looking up for W and me to join the list in the near future We're not to piecing yet, but things have really progressed rapidly this month. She's starting to verbalize what she wants our M to look like "when" we get back together. Things like cooking together, eating together, praying before meals, showing the kids an example of a perfect M, things like that. It's moving so fast that I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the developments. We haven't talked about her moving back in yet, I think if/ when that happens then we'll officially be piecing.

Awesome for you AS. Look fwd to hearing more good news for you.

SMH, a word of advice to add in and try to always remember. As you improve Yourself, presumably for You, when your W notices these positive changes, go slowly. Think of her as a turtle potentially coming out of her shell, or a squirrel seeking a nut. If you act too quick / smother her with your own enthusiasm, you will scare her away. I cannot take credit for those analogies. Several other wise DBers have made those references.

Good luck to You, for You!

SM you were correct in saying that I am more on the side of you asking her to leave. I understand why you your W around but for me I believe it shows your W and yourself that you do have self respect when you ask the cheating spouse to leave. It seems that it's a pretty big topic here but ultimately it's whatever you decide that is important.

In my case I did leave. Keep in mind that this had been my W's second A and I left after the A was over. We had lived in limbo for months much like we are now. I woke up one day and was fixing my truck when I said that I couldn't live like we were so I packed up and moved out. I was truly ready to move on with my life and so was my W or so it seemed that is until I started dating. That's when it all came crashing down on her.

I used the word POWER earlier because that is what my said about our sitch. She really liked having all the POWER i.e. she liked being able to cake walk. Much like your W my W knew how desperately I wanted her back.But and this is a a big but things didn't change until I was ready for them to change and that meant moving on without her but she also had to want to come back. So you see nothing I did was used as a way to get her back because quite honestly we don't know if a WAS is ever going to come back.

I think you are slowly starting to get the big picture here. Work on you set some boundaries in regards to her A and see how it goes. You will eventually begin to think very clearly once you start working on you and you will see your M in a completely different light. Trust me on that I certainly see mine very differently from when I came here in late 2011. Keep in mind that you will become better but you cannot make your W change or have feelings for you and that's ok.

Leo, I appreciate the advice. Yes I realize now that WAW probably will not start to re evaluate until they suffer a lose. Sandi mentioned that before, that basically at some point they have to become the LBS to yearly grasp what they are doing/done.

So we LBS have to work on ourselves to get to that point so that we can have the strength to make that move. At that point, what happens happens.

I have been thinking since BD about the WARNING signs my wife may have been giving off.

I had noticed about a year ago that she began to inhale really really deeply likea huge sigh. When I noticed it I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.

Slowly became ever day, then multilevel times a day, then every 20 mins or so. Like something is suffocating her.

She had a panic attack a month before BD and then went to see a therapist who prescribed her zoloft A/D. The symptom didn't go away for the two months following.

Then, around the time that OM came in the picture (I didn't know at the time but now I know the timeline), the sighing stopped completely. I guess does that signal happiness? I remember telling her hey your sigh is gone! She said yes the meds are finally helping.

Haven't heard the sigh since. Until yesterday....

She got back from two days with OM. I had the house clean, fixed a few things around the house, D3 was dressed nice, I had shaved...all the stuff I have been doing for 2 months since BD.

She came in and noticed the house but didn't comment of course. Then the sigh came on maybe two or three times the first hour she was back. Then stopped.

Not sure what to make of it if anything. Anyone else notice anything like this?