I ABSOLUTELY wanted my W to know how miserable she was. The fact that she refuses to acknowledge that this separation will effect our daughter absolutely infuriates me.
It was frustrating for me too, my kids all suffered in their own ways and here I was going through all my own pain and suffering while also trying to minister to the kids, all while W stood by silently only to speak up now and then long enough to say the kids would be fine. W finally broke down on the phone with me around November and admitted she knew the kids were suffering and that it tore her up inside. She said she was really confused and was considering reconciling just for the kids. I told her that wouldn't work for us. A few days later I talked to her again and she said I just caught her at an emotional moment and that she wasn't really that confused about things. Then as I mentioned above she admitted over the weekend she's been crying the whole time we've been S. I think this last was genuine, she seems to be communicating more honestly since RetroV. What does it all mean? Like the DB tip says, don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does! I guess what I'm saying is I'm sure your W already knows your D is in pain even if outwardly she acts like it's OK, so you don't need to try to force her to see it.
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However, it seems that my phone coach wants me to work on the friendship anlge, so being physically detached is somewhat contrary to that.
I don't know if I'm giving contrary advice, but for me I was friendly with W without being in a friendship with her. IE, when I talked to her or was around her I was friendly, but I didn't contact her myself nor did I try to see her except when I had to (to swap the kids).
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I am really confused on how to interact and how often to interact with W. So far, I have reached out to her 4 times over the course of about a month and a half to do activities with D and I. She has been receptive 3 out of 4 times, and we have had pleasant interaction. I have told myself that I will not initiate any more activities. She needs to reach out next, I am just not sure she will do so....therefore I feel like I am chasing my own tail on exactly what to do in my situation.
I think that sounds reasonable. Pull back and see if she makes a move. The time and space might help you in your detachment too.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
Hearing that helps a lot! I know my W has to be hurting too. She's got to be. I am positive she is struggling with at least some of the consequences regarding her decision to leave. Although, she doesn't show it on the outside. Whenever she comes around, she is put together, upbeat and appears very happy with her choices. I guess the WAW has to "act as if" just as much as the LBS does....hmmm.
You are absolutely correct. Every time I saw my W she was exactly that- upbeat, happy, content, put-together. To hear she's been crying at work, in her bathroom and in her bedroom the entire 4-1/2 months we've been S was a complete surprise to me. Apparently the kids didn't know either as they haven't said a word to me (and I'm sure they would have). So apparently she was acting "as if" the whole time.
All this input today has really helped me keep things in perspective. At work all day, I was soul searching, continuously wondering if I was being a fool to keep holding on to hope. I just couldn't foresee it turning around, and it very well might not. However, there is nothing but time on my side at this point. There really is NO reason not to keep DBing and working on myself.....I will just keep on trucking!
Now, I need to go GAL tonight. I might make dinner for a buddy
You said you didn't want to put D into a counseling situation if she didn't need it. Why not let the C at her school decide that? At least it opens the door for your D to have another (professional) adult to talk to IF/WHEN she wants to. There is NO HARM in opening this door...the harm may to do nothing & have noone for her to comfortably go to talk to that isn't in the middle of it all (you/your W).
I agree to keep DBing. That's my plan too!
Hey, you like camping AND you cook???? Maybe we need to meet?!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
[quote=suckerpunch] I guess we can't see the inner dialogue going on inside of our spouse. There is lots of conflict going on inside of them. They are likely just as confused, if not more, than we are. We as LBS's just have to have faith that what we are doing (DBing, GAL, Detaching, Acting as if) is in fact all that we have control over. No matter what the end result is, if we do it right, we will leave this as better people, with better skills and understanding of relationships and emotions. [/suckerpunch]
Stay in this space SP, this is where you need to be. It's not easy, you have to be vigilant with your thoughts but you're getting it.
I'm happy for you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I AM trying to stay focused on this. Of course, it's hard. The awesome support I get from all of you helps alot!
For instance, last night I was awake all night with a running dialogue in my head. I kept imagining what I wanted to say to W at this end of this "trial separation". Every storyline I came up with was TOTAL PURSUIT. I know it would never work. I have to keep telling myself to focus on me and do what works!
