Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

idk, as long as you are upfront, let the other person decide if they want to "compete", or not. Just a thought.

And thank you for this thread, much to ponder...

Antonia,
I think about the things I have learned through this life. This is not to be adverserial.
Life is lived from the inside out. "True love" is a projection we put on life and sooner or later we discover that it is a prejection and it pops. when it pops it's another opportunity to grow and mature and become a big person living in a grown up body. This is a hard concept sometimes.

If we understand DB it allows us the opportunity to look inward at ourselves and see if there are other projections which are fallacies as well and can work on them. If you will, grow up.

Living internally allows us to develop a peace, which intern allows us to weather trajegies(death, MLC etc)and handle them in way that we control our emotions and not get lost in the process. An MLC'er gets totally lost in the process, thereby all the carnage that is left behind.

Db'ing and GAL allow us to grow up and learn. If our ex-partner/partner is willing to do the work then there is a chance.

I too, fight the fantasy occassionally, we all do as human beings. After all who doesn't want a fairy tale.

Kimmerz, I gave a couple endings or ongoing updates on relationships since Antonia thought very few people get togehter later on. If I implied that they are happy I should not have. I don't know them well enough to assess that. If I see them again I will certainly ask.

My EXW is an exact opposite replica as well. What I'm peaceful about is that Im out of that storm. I remember the good times partly because I'm a positive person and I know the true story, not the one created by her.

I have moved on with my life. It is a totally different life then I had planned but thats what makes it interesting. In the book "peaceful warrior" Soc talks about three things that are universal. Paradox - Life is a study in opposites, humor - it helps you through many situations and Change - nothing is constant for very long.

I have to agree.

Mirage

Hi Antonia, I’ve got a very good joke for you, it’s by Jethro a British comedian who hails from the west country and one can tell this by his Somerset drawl. He never uses foul language.

Jethro went to the doctors and said: ‘Doctor, I’m suffering with something hereditary’

Dr ‘what are you suffering with’

Jethro ‘The diarrhoea ‘

Dr ‘that’s not hereditary’

Jethro ‘Well it’s in my jeans (Genes)

If you would like a taste of Jethro you can find him on Y—T---.

Love
Delboy



Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9CGsQtM-0I

Hi, Slight mistake, Jethro is from the west country but he's Cornish.

love
Delboy

Hi Antonia,

This thread resonates with me as well, thanks for starting it. As I am entering my fourth year into H's MLC I find that I still cycle. Not as long or as deeply as at first, but I find growth in myself each time I do.

I try to live in the here and now because that is truly all we have. My mind does wander at times though with what ifs from the past and the future as I, too, thought I had a really good, if not great M. I think most of us do/did, otherwise why we would have bothered joining a site that was about trying to heal our broken Ms? I still believe in fairy tale endings except now it is without the rose colored glasses. Whether it happens for any of us remains to be seen. I just try to leave my heart open for anything God has planned.

On the subject of your XH crowing about the ow's accomplishments, well it just seems to me that he is working overtime trying to convince everyone that he didn't make a mistake, especially himself. Doesn't seem to working out too well for him...

(((Hugs)))

Mirage I think we have to be a little careful about stating psychological theory as 'what is' 'True love' may be a projection. but love isn't purely a projection. Projection canbe/is part of it, but not the whole. That is what I meant in my earlier post about reductionism. We can reduce anything to a framework to analyse, understand and talk about it. But it isn't the thing itself.

I do not disagree with what you say about looking inward, but we are much more, than the framework that psycotherapeutical ideas suggests, useful and explanatory as that is.

Just my 2 c

To that I say, what about them? Didn't they expect us to support their journey through life as well? It doesn't look like we expected it to, but isn't it the same thing? I think it is. Letting them go. I mean, truly letting them go and all the junk they heaped on us after throwing us under the bus the wheels on the bus go round and round...), is really what is being asked, right? "Let me go do what I need to go do. I may not be back, but this is something I need to do."

Never? Be careful with that. I agree we have very little information which makes it hard, but I've found that if I can be still, let go of the outcome, and listen, the answers come. Including if there were any signs, whether I recognized them or not. Never and always are tough words to throw out anymore

Maybe. Maybe longer, or maybe sooner. Or maybe, just maybe never and that'll be your choice.

You didn't? All those stories and history, and you didn't know that could happen? Or you didn't think it would happen to you? (I think that's healthy by the way - if you did, you would have not enjoyed any of it, waiting for it to end. Kind of like death - if we fixate on it, we stop living right? ).
It is brutal. Imagine if you still had to interact. I can tell you it was excruciating. I suspect it is still painful for ex. I saw her last night, and I can tell you I am not impressed by her or her new H. At all. But I can also relate to the idea of the lost innocence. That first marriage will always hold a special place for any of us (unless we lose our minds - ha ha) which implies the next relationship can be great, but it will always be "different". Different is not a bad thing. I don't think you want to see somebody as "equal" or "better" than XH. I think you'll be better off as seeing a new relationship as "fulfilling" and "different" and "not what I expected, but I'm grateful to have it and I REALLY enjoy it." It's not about surviving, but thriving. A difference in the perspective in not so many words.

But the first will be like your first true love. There will be only one of those. And it was real, Antonia. It was very real.

Exactly right. And life would be very boring if it were different.

Great thoughts Antonia and everyone. I really am getting a lot out of it. Things I haven't thought about in a while.

Antonia, the thing is, you don't have to stop loving him. The love is different now, though. He is different. You are different.

The Greeks had at least five words for "love", and loving somebody doesn't have to fit the same mold it once it did. I realize how busy you get. How that distracts, but there is more to do, right? We all do. Accept that you have more to do, and that it is OK because each day will have something different in it. You will get the chance each day to choose if that day's events were positive or negative. The next day you can change that perspective as you get more information. But each day you can choose how you see things and how they affect you.

Life is good. Be in it each and every day. Let your XH figure himself out. He has a lot to figure out. And don't be afraid of new beginnings or new people. They'll be different, but that doesn't mean you can't be surprised with something great!


AJ

I'm a mother bear so there is never going to be a good enough reason to equal abandoning the kids and causing the amount of pain on them. I understand he is in a place I can't comprehend, but I just can't imagine being in a place where I could walk away from my kids. But likely he doesn't see it the way I or they do. I just don't think I will be able to understand how he could get so low that leaving his kids felt like his only option and could go weeks at a time with no contact. I do feel that at some point ill have more answers and not just speculation, and it will be important for me to be understanding and loving, despite the shock from the resulting actions.

Hello All!

I've been hiding. (Lurking) This is a great topic Antonia! I am trying so hard to drop the rope. I guess it would help if he and I were not still sharing a house. I just wrote him a note, one I won't give him.

But I do feel like I've been waiting for a fairytale ending. And it would have to be a fairytale, because how do we ever forget all the mean things that were done and said? I don't think I could ever get past the OW crap.

So I have been sharing my life with him for 34 years. A long time. And don't see an end in sight for us. Selling this house and moving on is not something I can control. I am trying to get employed, if I was making a decent salary I could afford to move out.

I keep seeing myself still moping over him because we are still in the same house. Now I worry that getting out won't be the cure......

I suppose the best cure would be another sort of fairytale ending. Where Prince Charming comes along and sweeps us off our feet. It seems like that has happened to some on these boards.
I'm not counting on that!

This has been interesting to read. So much so that I'm going to read it all again. Thanks to you all for posting such interesting thought provolking topics!
But now

"You didn't? All those stories and history, and you didn't know that could happen? Or you didn't think it would happen to you?"

I have to claim being a total Pollyanna on this one. There was no divorce in my family or in my friends' families growing up, and in our adult married life together my XH and I never encountered any situations where we knew anyone to betray their spouse. Or even girlfriend/boyfriend situations. I had a very drama-free background, honestly, and XH and I kept to ourselves a lot. Our closest friends were all males except one woman and she was in a long-term committed relationship that ended the year our marriage ended and all our other friends were single guys who rarely dated, and if they did, no one knew their business. So it wasn't that it "couldn't happen to me" but that I'd never seen anything traumatic happen to ANYONE, until my coworker lost her husband to the heart attack in 1999. That event really shook me and I remember telling her at the time that it made me very fearful I'd lose my H to a tragic accident or health issue in the same way.

Yeah, AJ, I know it was all very real. I was recalling something my mom said once to me; I was complaining about work or something and she said "I know that's tough but I want you to know something. That time you and your H and I were on vacation a few days, I drove home crying the whole way." I said "why?" She said "for joy. Because I have never seen two people so in love and so happy with one another and I felt priveleged to witness it, and I think even if you have difficulties with work or whatever, you should consider yourself beyond lucky, because no one gets a marriage as good as yours. No one."

Yep, it was real. I'm sure of it :-)