The only problem I have right now in this moment 25 is not knowing if my W read the threads or not. Since it seems unwise to simply ask her if she read them, there's nothing you can do. So you must let it go. Otherwise you're engaging in totally unproductive behavior which is self inflicted. This is a pattern of yours and you CAN break it.
Don't let the label "ACOA" excuse or prolong behavior you know must change.
You are not a victim. When you were a child, perhaps you were. But you are not a child now. So you are not a victim. YOU are in charge of what happens in your life now.
That is why I called my support rep and why I meditated in a conference room a little while ago.
so, problem solved, right? I mean, you let go of what you cannot control. It may not be easy but it's simple. That's what you HAVE to do...seriously.
Otherwise your life is controlled by events NOT in your control, which is slavery.
(Self inflicted, I might add. How healthy is that?)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Mr. B I am so disappointed in myself about those damn email threads with ACOA rep. W and I had amazing time last night with friends. We actually had FUN together for the first time in 5 months
Mr. B I am so disappointed in myself about those damn email threads with ACOA rep. W and I had amazing time last night with friends. We actually had FUN together for the first time in 5 months
Uh, Hello?? Do you have control over what happened LAST NIGHT?
Nope. So Learn from it, don't repeat it.
And LET IT GO.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Mr. B I am so disappointed in myself about those damn email threads with ACOA rep. W and I had amazing time last night with friends. We actually had FUN together for the first time in 5 months
Seriously listen to 25.
You HAVE to stop obsessing about:
1. Things in the past you can't change 2. Things you can't control
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I was once a major league worrier. I must have believed, subconsciously, that by worrying, I'd somehow lessen the chance of something bad happening.
I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, (which IS a common ACOA trait). Growing up, we learned never to trust the peace b/c we knew It'd end any minute, "so we gotta be ready!"
And we learned to prepare for AND expect the worst, and NEVER to hope for the best...we did not think we deserved it, or it just wasn't in the cards for us.
IT was at EE that it hit me that God/Life does not work that way.
Life does not hurt us MORE, b/c we didn't worry about it. Life didn't punish us, let alone BECAUSE we were happy.
I calculated the amount of time I had wasted worrying about things that would never happen OR would happen no matter what I did or thought.
And I had spent an hour a day, (or 3-8 hours per day in times of crises or depression), for years. I was worrying about things I had no control over. And the worrying improved nothing.
In fact, the worrying and negative expectations greatly lessened the joys I felt in my life.
Even when things were wonderful, there was always a voice in the back of my head warning me NOT to think this could last... I also realized that my worrying/obessing actually CAUSED some bad things to happen.
How ironic is that?
In sum, I had literally wasted YEARS of my precious life, feeling anger or sadness, or other negative emotions, for nothing.
I had created anxiety in my life and in my body, for events that never happened or would have anyhow.
I CREATED problems in my life - and in the lives of my loved ones, for nothing.
I had polluted the joy life was giving me by always looking over my shoulder for a monster, instead of just embracing it as the gift it was/is. All b/c of fears that were not justified. So I changed. Yes, I really did. My worrying for nothing, is about 10% of what it was. And when I'm conscious of it, I let it go completely.
It's odd but true, that when we get sad or angry, we let ourselves really feel it in full. We are "100%" there in our pain and misery... So, Why don't we do the same with our joy? why do we let THAT emotion get stained by our worrying?
When good things happen to worriers, they let nagging doubts keep popping up, and this can be contagious. They don't trust others either.
They don't forgive or let go of the past hurts, b/c they think if they forgive, somehow the forgiven person is more likely to repeat the behavior that was so painful. But the data shows us the opposite is true.
In other words, if you forgive someone and mean it, the chance of them repeating the behavior is LESS than if you hold it over their head or refuse to let it go.
In sum, your negative attitude and worrying may be understandable given your childhood. But so what? You can't make your parents responsible for your choices today, and you can't do that with your wife either.
(HER work is hers to do, yours is yours to do. Stay in your sandbox and leave her in hers. This is NOT about or because of her.)
You have to change the obsessing and worrying b/c it makes YOU miserable and it's totally unproductive AND it hurts the relationships in your life.
When you begin to believe you actually deserve to be happy, perhaps you won't keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. (EE will help you with this).
You've wasted enough years of your life feeling bad about things that either never happened, or were going to happen anyhow.
YEARS of your life PON...it's a lot like being in a prison of your own making.
Don't you want to be free soon?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 I really appreciate your words of wisdom, encouragement, and overall positive attitude. I'm planning on attending EE. I have one logistic to cover with work and believe it or not I'm building the courage to tell my W. sounds lame but I am ACOA and even the mere fact that I started treatment and recovery is hard to swallow.
I went out to eat with my W for the first time since July 17th, we are getting along great. She has no desire to ML but I told her I understand and I'm ok with it. We have come up with a weekly cooking schedule for dinners. I get mon/wed/sun. This seems simple but it's huge for us. She does not like schedules and I need them or I die. We compromised.
Next week I have ACOA and dinner with friends . My w has seemed to stop texting OM and even tells me when male friends txt her.
She also opened up to me about her health. She NEVER does this. I did not fix her just told her that it must be frustrating . She actually told me she was ovulating and she knows that is causing the pain. I just stated I am here for you. This is huge . She is tracking her body not ME.
What did I do ? Nothing. Not react? Left phone open? No clue like she snapped out of it or ended ea.
I will continue to work on me and not let her positive changes let me slide back to old ways. EE is on my radar . I payed the fee. Have avail flights. My plan is this weekend or mon to talk with w.
I also realized that my worrying/obessing actually CAUSED some bad things to happen.
I also used to be a worrier, I don't think I obssessed over it but I did worry quite a bit about things like losing my job. BD was something of a revelation for me in the worrying department, because of all of the things I worried about, my marriage was not ever even on the radar. It was my home base, my wife was the rock in my life that I knew I could always depend on. HA! So the revelation for me after BD was that the things I had worried about in my life NEVER happened. It was always things I didn't worry about that came up to bite me in the butt. It was like something clicked in my brain with that realization, and now I don't worry at all. Whenever I feel some worry creeping in I just remind myself that if I'm worrying about it then chances are it will never happen based on my track record, and that immediately makes it go away. Works for me.
