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Kimmerz,
You became a more mature adult during the last year or so because you had to take on everything that your h left in your lap. You moved on and yes, held your head up high and finally set some boundaries into place.

Mlcers expect us to be right where they left us pre-crisis. They don't stop to think that we have feelings too and aren't going to sit on a shelf forever. When they see us begin moving forward and away from them, that's when they become angry and spew and yes, even more controlling and manipulative.

Continue your autopsy...you'll discover even more and when you are done...you'll be happy that you did the work.

Thank you Snodderly for your reassurance.

It's just beyond grasp how insane this whole MLC thing is. It helps to find that this really has happened, and is happening with Xh and Im not crazy after all.

I used to think that my ego needed the boost to feel that I was the one walking away from him for once.

But here I am looking back with more clarity each day. And the whole situation is sad.

I just read an article online. The man that shot my husband is trying to get the state to pay for reconstruction in his own self inflicted wound on his face. He can't eat or drink properly and he wants more reconstructive surgery.

Im shaking and nauseated because Im having a bit of a flashback to that time. Seeing the pictures of the man didn't help either. Though I heard he was a nice man, he looked absolutley nutts in the picture.

After what happened to my XH this is no suprise went into MLC.

Sometimes when these old wounds pop up, I literally can' believe how I've gotten through all of this.

I learn a lot about my own situation when I read ur threads. Thanks for all ur hard work on urself, the rest of us are benefiting :-)

Thanks Lois. I've gotten alot of perspective on my sitch by reading your's too.

I just spent 30 minutes crying and had to suck it up pretty quick so the girls couldn't tell. D13 can tell, and asked if i was ok. I told her, "well I am now". Im not really.

But honestly, Im glad I can admit Im not ok right now. Im dealing with a serious emotional wave right now. An emotion that Im not ashamed to admit that I personally tried to sweep under the rug and pretend it didn't exist.

Those emotions are the horrible strain I went through after my husband was shot. Nursing him back to health. Dealing with the looks and whispers around town. Dealing with people, calling, showing up, news reporters.... watching him struggle to get well again. I held it all together, for him and for the girls. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my family.

Yet I didn't have anyone really supporting me. I told myself I wasn't allowed to break down, I had to be stong for all of us. And that's what I did. I sucked it up, and went on.

XH physically healed, but mentally that's a whole different story. Im beginning to wonder if XH took up with this OW in particular just to get back at the man that tried to kill him.

Dear God I didn't know how scarred I was from that incident.

I guess Im still trying to heal from it too.

I've learned to really let go and let God. I've been taking lessons on it, and just trusting God to lead the way and answers my prayers in the way he see's fit. I've accepted that God won't answer my prayers in the way I want them, it will be the way he see's fit.

So one day at a time. Im taking life as it comes, and will enjoy life as much as I can in the meantime.

I still have many wonderful things to look foward to.

Oh wow do I know the "hide" the tears thing! So hard with girls bcuz they are so good at picking up on ur moods. I always say that I may not b ok at that moment but I WILL b ok. Just gotta let it out.

U r doing awesome!

Heather

Seems more probable that there really was something - EA or physical or just heavy flirting - going on between them and that's why her H shot yours.

Let's face it - most normal guys, if they were shot by the husband of some woman they had NO interest in and had nothing going on with, would probably avoid that woman like the plague.

Kimmerz,
Kml's posting makes sense...she's right...normal men wouldn't even think of going near the wife of the man who had shot them. They would avoid the woman as much as possible.

I have often wondered about the relationship between your xh and the ow prior to the shooting, but didn't want to say anything because there appears to be some key issues missing from the pre-crisis scenario. It's water under the bridge now, but kml's posting does present a different scenario and why the shooting may have taken place.

Please take care of yourself and know that this wave of emotional hurt will wash over you and you will release it when you are ready. Unfortunately, there will be times when something will pop up that will create an emotional wave of hurt. However, as you walk the path, you'll learn how to deal w/it and become stronger afer each wave.

Take care of yourself.

Good morning guys,

Oh believe me I know this! XH fooled alot of people. He lied to all this friends, family and the town. People have been utterly disgusted when they've seen him with the likes of her after what happened. I was a little suprised to find out that a very good long time friend of ours doesn't even have him on facebook. This particular friend called me 3 days after the shooting and told me that after working with XH for 15 years he had never witnessed Paul hitting on other women or anything between those two.

I remember telling him (when I was under the impression maybe he didn't have anything going on with her right after the accident) "Where there's smoke there's fire. And THAT WOMAN IS FLAME. It's of your best interest as well as your family's to stay THE HELL AWAY FROM HER". He agreed...temporarily!

You know what guys? As I look back at this I really don't think this is a MLC. He was lying to everyone for years.

At this point I think that XH was snooping through my history in my computer and was tracking all the things I was reading about. His actions after leaving seem pre medidiated for at least a year. He had been sitting on a very large sume of cash secertely for a year. Another huge sum of cash is gone and only he knows where it is. That had been given to him a year prior. So he sat on this for 2 years.

He did insult me and criticize me for reading about PTSD and gaming addiction. Well how the hell would he know that? By snooping in my computer! At that time I was reading on PTSD and was looking a bit into MLC. I think he played the part of MLC, just to get out of the house, only to turn around and pick a fight with me and gaslight me at every chance to turn it around and make me look like the insane one!

He would say things like "If you think Im an A$$hole now, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YET MY DEAR". Oh and boy has he turned into one sick, twisted, mean and cruel person! Playing the part of the ever so concerned parent, flip flopping between a caring co parent, acting like a long lost friend, only to rip me to shreds at the drop of a hat because something doesn't go his way?

To me this is no longer water under the bridge. To me it's important to really know what was going on with them all along regardless of the divorce anyway. I think that was his hope all along, just to slide through without me knowing the complete truth. I say this because for me it's a big piece missing to complete the entire puzzle.

UGH!! I have the urge to write him such a scathing email, but if he truly is the person I think he is, it won't make one bit of difference. He's already gone completely dark on me the moment I had to reply to an email about the kids anyway. See there? All he's doing is just pushing me to respond, to make him feel better. To touch base with his narcissistic supply!

Kimmerz,
The timeline you shared about the pre-mediated actions, the money, etc., all fit w/mlc. Usually 1-2 years prior to the full blown crisis and the BD, they begin to change, some begin preparing for the flight from home and others will just think about it. I do think your h has some serious issues w/PTSD w/a mix of mlc on top of it.

They do begin to become paranoid prior to the BD because their guilt is starting to eat at them just a little bit. Yes, I can see where he was monitoring you in the computer. Mine did the same thing, but he didn't find much because I did mine research at work on my lunch break. They begin to call you more frequently to see where you are what you are doing. Mine became very interested in my activities while he was at work...why? So that he would know where I was so that the twinkle twat could come to the firehouse to see him. He even went as far as purchasing phone cards w/a very weak excuse of using them to call home. I knew better but bided my time to see just how he would behave.

Your telling him that the woman was a flame, just made it even more enticing. You didn't realize that at the time. You were trying to give him advice to stay away from her and her situation, but he was like a moth drawn to the candle.

I think the final pieces of your puzzle are the ow and the shooting. What led up to the shooting, etc. Those pieces will complete the puzzle because you have just about completed your autopsy on the situation. It took me an entire year to get those pieces, but once I did, I did feel better about moving on w/o him.

Unless you absolutely need to contact him, don't do it. It's all about control and manipulation. He doesn't need any more ego kibbles from you.

If you need to bounce things off of us concerning the autopsy, we are here for you.

Hello again!

Snodderly thank you so much for your input and encouragment. It means alot to me.

Honestly that's what I've felt all along. XH has got some serious PTSD issues along with MLc as well. I didn't really stop to think about the time line and what he was doing was common for MLC. I do think he thought about it alot, before BD. And it was 2 years before this last BD that HE REALLY began changing, and not in good ways. It was then he became so angry, explosive, mean, cruel, and the silent treatment was worse than it ever had been. But the month before BD he flip flopped between Monster and extreme depression. He would only sleep 3-4 hours a night and his normal routine was completely different. He wouldn't speak to me, if he did it was a whisper. He wouldnt eat when he came home for lunch, he would just sleep at his desk.

Im once again a bit perturbed, due to the rudeness of it all, yet not suprised. I asked Xh if he would be up to taking D10 to Shriners for her yearly appointment for her hip. Shriners is 4.5 hours away and my vehicle isn't running so great. I wasn't too sure if I'd be able to get the van worked on before she needed to get into her appointment so I asked XH if he'd be up to taking her. I emailed him 4 days ago.

No response. He said to D10 today " Well I hope your play isn't on the day you need to go to Shriners?"

So it's clear he's purposely ignorning me. But why? Why ignore something in direct concern for our daughter? He offered last Spring to take her to the appointments if I wasn't up to it, but I told him no that the plans had already been made. That probabaly made him feel rejected.

More than likely he's going dark on me because I went dark on him Christmas time. He had this sudden surge of emails regarding the kids, Christmas vacation and sudden reports of his schedule for me, even when he didn't have the girls that week. I still got schedule. Since then I haven't gotten a single schedule report or email from him. Interesting.

What does this mean? Does it mean anything?


At any rate Im going to take his complete ignorning me and his comment to D10 as a "no" and he is not willing to take his daughter to Shriners, and I will do it myself.