Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Time for me

Spartan, continue searching for answers within yourself. It's not easy, especially when there are so many emotions at play. As we always say, if things don't work out, then at least you will know you did everything you could and will feel good about yourself.

Sending you strength and comfort.

We went to indoor waterpark (Kalahari) and ended up staying an extra night since we were having so much fun. I forgot my phone charger so I was dark with the world which was nice for me but I need to catch up with you guys. Overall had a really good time and it felt like old vacations. Lots of laughter and good memories. No fights or R discussions, just enjoyed the moment. This weekend reinforced that we really do 'family' good but I know that's not enough. There were a lot of happy looking families but I caught myself whenever a 'sorry for myself' thought entered my head and got it out quickly and got back to enjoying my family.

On the drive back while everyone slept I did keep wondering what is so bad about this? I'm thankful that I'm a person that tries to look ahead more then behind me so I struggle understanding why things that happened 8, 10, +15 years ago are affecting today and our future. I'll just keep working on me and let her figure out her stuff.

I've decided to stick it out and not move. My goal is to change the dynamic of fights (i.e. not have them). If things start heading that direction my goal is to just walk away. First test will likely be later this week, W has appointment w/ her L on Wednesday.

GALing looks good in coming weeks. Next weekend going with friends to Make A Wish charity dinner, following weekend going to conference with a friend all day Saturday, weekend after that is daddy/ daughter dance, and weekend after that is start of cruise.

May I suggest you not even think this way. Google "Law of attractions". While it is very good for you to try the dynamics of a fight but to to predict a fight is not healthy. She is going to a L. Let her. I wouldn't bring anything up at all. If she does just stand your ground. Keep it short. Don't let her draw you in.

I consistantly told my W that I did not support divorce and she had the free will to do what she wanted. Then I SHUT THE F*CK up and walked away.

"I do not support divorce or this is not the path I want to take with our family" say it calm manner and walk away. I am glad you decided not to move out. YOU are in control of how the interactions at home are. I can tell you this. Go home. Enjoy the kids. When the kids are in bed I suggest GAL. If you can't go out. Read, work out in basement, learn a hobby (guitar anything)

Make sure you are calm. If you are staying and she wants you out you let her know you are staying. it's your home etc..that you pay home and it is your home too.

I don't know your sitch but what are the complaints. 180 them.

My W absolutely could not stand me but that did not stop me from "doing laundry,doing dishes, folding laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning house. etc... " my W's love language is acts of service and quality time. Obviously couldn't give her quality time but continued to do acts of service. Read the book "5 love languages" by Gary Chapman.

Good luck spartan. But I wouldn't react to any negative or any POSITIVE she does. It will drive you bat sh*t crazy. One day she at L's office next day you're out as a family. Focus on what you can control, which is you. It is tough but do it

Sounds really good. I'd really try to keep this going like it is with the cruise coming up. You want that to be an amazing time for your kids.



I think that's the better choice. Have you read Gottman's Seven Principles of Marriage? He talks a lot about the dynamics of fights and it sounds like that may be beneficial to you.

Thanks for the advice guys. I have read 5LL and my W's are AOS and I think WOA. I'll take a look at Laws of Attraction in a few minutes.


That's my goal. You are so right, she seems to swing 180 degrees from one day to the next and I was losing my mind. I'll enjoy the good days and ignore the bad ones.

BD - I'm going to try and keep it going until the cruise because it was so fun this weekend. Kids are so excited about cruise and we still have fun as a family when the D BS isn't being thought about. I actually bought Gottman's book years ago but never read it, been sitting on shelf collecting dust. I'll take a look at that tonight.

The quicker you focus on you and take the focus off W the better. For some reason it took me over 1 year to really listen to Bond and 25. I thought my M was GONE. Same as you man. Lawyers. Lawyers leaving messages on home voice. W writing checks to L with joint checking. Rings off. You name it. Ignore and focus on you. Attend EE.org or other workshops. Its not about winning her back it is about making youself a better person or to quote the veterans making yourself only a fool would want to leave.

How is your health. Goto the gym and get fn shredded. Get new clothes. You say you're an Engineer. Are you a dorky Engineer? Try to change it. Don't take offense. I'm a SAN engineer and just know the territory.

Go out. Be mysterious. Don't be rude to wife but just act as if you moving on. Enjoy the kids. GAl with the kids. take the kids somewhere your W would never do.

I know you can't go DARK. Cuz we have similar situations. 2 kids. 4 and 7. but take them. Go away for weekend to hotel with heated pool. Anything etc.

Spartan, I'm glad you had such a nice time.

I would say that you should focus on what is positive about your W and celebrate it. The point is that she feels good about herself when she's around you.

Great that you're not moving.

PowerofNow, no bashing the sense of style of an engineer--I'm one of them! :-)

I'm in pretty good shape. More of a runner's body with some definition. Been getting to the gym 5-6 times a week since BD and starting to bulk up a little and getting rid of fat around midsection (goal is 6-pack for cruise but we'll see, haven't had one since I was 18 or 19 and body doesn't do everything I want anymore). Probably running too much to put on any real mass but I've got a busy year ahead of me. Have a half marathon, a full marathon, and a tough mudder scheduled for this year (tough mudder is the one that has me the most nervous).

As far as style goes I fit more in with the sales guys than the engineers. I know what you mean and take no offense to it. I have changed my image a little in the non-work clothes area. Used to be pretty much all Under Armor and Nike but now headed more towards the Affliction look (really anything from Buckle store).


I'm starting to figure this out. For a while there I was doing the things I thought she would like better but I wasn't really liking some of them. Lately I'm becoming the person I want to be and in doing that I'm starting to understand some of her complaints about me.


I've definitely been giving her more strategic comments over the last month or so to boost her self esteem and let her know how I feel about the positives. One of the things she said in past arguments was that I beat her down for years which I now (sadly) can understand why she felt that way. If she did 9 good things in a day and didn't get one thing done it was that one thing I would comment on. Thankfully now I don't even mention the one thing and only talk about the good. Just today I told her how proud of her I was when she texted me saying a website wanted to write about her in their blog for getting control of her illness; this blog is on her professional associations main page. I genuinely do feel really happy for her, in past I may have been jealous or had some other stupid emotion. I am proud of the person I'm becoming .

I'm not really sure how she feels around me but what occurred to me on the drive home was she hasn't turned down a single request for things to do together and has been up front (when we're calm) that she wants us in same house until it sells. This doesn't seem normal to me for someone that wants out as badly as she's said she does. She's also done absolutely nothing to get house ready to sell. I wrote it off as mind reading because I really have no idea what's going on with her. I guess I'll just keep on keeping on and try to detach a little more and see what happens.

What kind of Engineer are you? If you want to live in Michigan (it was a balmy 2 deg this morning when I left for work so I can't see why you wouldn't) my company just got 3 new programs awarded and we're hiring 25-30 new people. I might have a little pull if interested .

In your R which of you usually escalates the argument into a fight? In my case it was me. My IC taught me about the 3 levels of communication (parent, child, adult) and helped me to realize that arguments with my W quickly became P-C when they should be A-A. Ever since she explained that to me it's amazing how easy it's been to communicate with W on strictly an A-A level. I'm just asking because if you're the one escalating it into a fight, I think it would just make your W angry and frustrated if you then walked out. Now if it's your W that escalates them, then I would suggest telling her "I don't want this to turn into another fight, why don't we take a break and cool off, then we'll discuss it again" and THEN walk out. I think that's from 5LL.

As you know that's me too, and when I was at RetroV over the weekend one of the hosting couples told me they looked forward to seeing what I was going to be wearing each day, LOL! They were quite a bit younger and the husband said "man, I hope I'm built like you when I'm your age" Always great to hear stuff like that