Hope everyone had a good Turkey Day. I had ALOT of wine. I'm not usually a wine person - but oddly enough it went well with EVERYTHING I was eating.
Emotional rollercoaster was pretty small. Hit me a few days later when I helped a friend cross zip-lining off his bucket list. I went zip-lining on my honeymoon and it was an awesome memory. I figured there would be some pain and I thoroughly enjoyed the day - just hit me in the evening after the rush was over.
So I hopped off the rollercoaster and planned my 2nd annual Christmas Giving Party. I'm pretty excited about it. I've made more friends this year so there is a potential for a huge turnout.
There is also a potential my x might come. I HIGHLY doubt it as she wanted to be involved last year but chickened out. Either way - I don't want to know. If she comes - great... another kid gets a gift. I'll be good either way.
In other fun news - I have my FIRST red carpet premiere tomorrow evening. The film isn't that huge.. but the idea of walking down a red carpet is a pretty epic moment in my life.
It's funny - I really WISH I had a date.. which to be honest - has never crossed my mind in two years. I don't really have a ton of lesbian single friends or lesbian friends for that matter.. so it looks like I will either be inviting a straight/male friend or going stag.
Either way I'm excited that I had the feeling. One of those - "I'm healing!" moments. First step to getting back onto the horse - so to speak.....
.... now if only I could get up the nerve to ask someone!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Heck, I'LL BE YOUR DATE!!...although I'm not gay...
so, maybe you can stop being so picky...?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Have you read it?. Bless ya if you did... It's long but I put everything out on the table.
What about my story scares you?
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
If I can't win back my wife, I will have to start from scratch. Or worse, I'll be a divorcee with a kid. Who wants that?
To most women over 30, a man who is a good father to a son, is a far better catch than a man who chose not to have kids...truly. Not to mention all the women who have fertility problems who'd LOVE to be stepmoms b/c they can't be biological mothers themselves. The real question is whether you'll be the same man in your next relationship as you were in this one.
We hope your next relationship is a restored Different marriage to your present wife.
IS your fear of Val's situation that YOU might "do all the work" and it not result in a reconciliation?
But you are seeing this as if victory ONLY comes from a reconciliation, but that's not the case.
The real Victory here is over ourselves. Doing all the work is a good start.
If you don't dig deep enough to know what to change and bravely do the work,'
chances are you'll run into the same problems in your next r.
That's why even more 2nd marriages fail than first marriages.
Yes The divorce rate gets higher! Why? B/C The person does not learn the lessons needed from marriage #1, to CHANGE enough...
so they repeat their mistakes and engage in the same behaviors.
Maybe they figure they "Survived" the first divorce, so they can divorce again, and again, perhaps w/the hope they'll meet someone who won't expect THEM to change....
what WE veterans learned here is that it;s actually easier and far more successful in the long run, to just work on OURSELVES...
Self improvement/growth has the highest rate of success, and the best "return on investment", b/c w/it, we are inevitably happier, more loving people. That is always a good thing.
And it so happens that it helps with the likelihood of an ultimate reconciliation too.
Hence the oft repeated advice to you, to DIG DEEPER and keep a mirror handy.
Don't focus on your fears of the future before you even work on you,
and don't focus on what you think SHE did to YOU, b/c you need to focus on the opposite, or you'll stay in "Victimville: Population, You."
It's not like WE didn't have to do the same thing Bruce...we did. I sure did.
YOU are the only person you can control. Bruce, Do you believe that?
Is working on you too hard for you to embrace?
I can't understand that fear. It's difficult for me to talk about my life w/o bringing up my xw. She was a part of it for all those years.
And yes.. some people have gotten hesitant.. when it comes up. --- They don't want to end up there.
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
I don't know if it's good or bad, but in a sense, you are freer without kids, to really forgive, forget, and go on. Whereas, I'll be always "chained" to my W.
A LOT of folks here wanted children but could not have them...
As for forgiving, it's BECAUSE we had children I worked so hard to forgive and let go of the past. IF we had no children, we'd have been done (I'd have filed for divorce) within a few months of his first secret trip north...
This comment of yours, this attitude about being "Chained" to your wife by the God given blessing of having a son, which you evidently see as a burden -
is pretty inconsistent with your "Christian" claims.
Hey I'm a believer too, but I've noticed that the more often someone tells others of their faith as if it proves something about them, the more likely they're using it as a weapon of judgement, or a "sin measuring tool", and not as a guide for them to become a more loving person...
Back to your son... Maybe you can Terminate your parental rights.
Give him up. Seriously. Why not? That way, you won't feel "chained" to your wife and it's less work for you,
and you can date younger women without being seen as "older" or chained to a child.
And you might even be relieved of the financial burdens like those "Stupid educational accounts"....
(I know you think I'm a harpy for bringing that up. But I don't recall you addressing or retracting that comment so it's just out there...still dangling...)
Bruce, if this^^ has ANY appeal to you, it fits pretty nicely with your wife's description of you NOT being "family minded"..in fact, these types of comments prove it.
I worry that you don't actually WANT TIme with him, per se, but you want her to suffer for divorcing you.
Bruce, DIG DEEP and ask yourself how you can talk about your wife and son this way, and reconcile it with your proclaimed religious views.
Are you in this to "Win" against her, or to become a good loving father?
I AM thankful that we don't have kids together. If you read my story, you will read that we were trying 4 months before the bomb.. and it would have been awful going through it with them.
But then I didn't really get to DB either to her. My contact was VERY limited. I HAD to work on me.. I HAD to make the changes real for ME.
And I know you feel "chained" but currently that is just your pain talking.--
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
Looking back, is there anything you wish you did, or didn't do, to save your M? (I'm still trying to figure out what I should do at this point).
BRUCE, your question is a good one but as Val says, SHE worked ON HER...and she GAL and she kept working on HER and her spiritual path...
Bruce, do you truly have no idea what to work on? Your wife told you some big things.
So did we. Maybe read what worked in other people's situations...that will help.
There is a common thread in ALL the successful recon stories AND in all the "happy despite the divorce" stories...
We are happier. We worked on ourselves, we changed, we Got A Life, we loved more and received love with more awareness and genuine gratitude... For all the pain these ordeals cause us, we are better people for it.
the real journey in life is an inward one Bruce...
You must answer the hard questions Bruce... you will have to sometime.
Either do it with us and get support here, or figure it all out LATER ON the hard, lonely way.
That's a good question. I'll have to think about that some... but I can tell that if there are things that I wish I DID or DIDN'T DO.. it will be because I wasn't the woman I wanted to be... NOT because I wanted a recon. There is a difference.
And I can tell you that I have very few regrets in the D process. It could have gotten ugly.. very ugly... and there were times when I could have snapped back... Given the treatment that was gave to me......
... but I didn't and at times I hated it. I hated taking the high road. I hated hurting more to love her.
There were times that I cried out.. "I Don't want to be the bigger person! She doesn't deserve my kindness".
But the board supported me and helped me stayed focus. And that's where my faith came in. And that's when my heart started to truly change.
I am forever grateful for those moments.. no matter how painful they were at the time.
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
And Val, 30 is still "acceptable" young to date and meet someone new, don't waste your time. Soon I'll be 35, and already that's a different story. I notice this when I meet 22-26 girls who think I'm like 27-30, and then are all surprised when I say my age...
So on one hand you think you have it so much harder than she does b/c she's a few years younger than you (-which reveals a startling lack of empathy for the folks here who are older than you, which is MOST of us)
and on the other hand,
you're already planning on moving along to new OWs, and not "worrying" about how You got here in the first place...Wow...
Frankly Bruce, being in your situation does sukk b/c you think you did nothing wrong.
And it would TERRIFY ME if I truly believed I had been a great wife and that even so, my h left me...
b/c that would mean I had so little control over my life! Why wouldn't it keep happening?
When my DB coach helped me see that I had some issues to work on in ME, I was relieved! Why?
B/C It meant I was NOT powerless b/c I COULD CHANGE ME...
I hope you get this concept really soon.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
About a week and a half ago, I received a call from xw's car insurance company. They said it was in regards to a claim. I asked if it was in regards to my car as I was in a car accident last July (and everything we owned together got all messed up in the D) .. but he couldn't give me the info. So I just gave him her number.
Two days ago - I get a call from Enterprise about xw needing a rent-a-car. Again I give her cell number.
I'm not frustrated by my actions, I'm frustrated by my lack of detachment. I'm sure she's fine.. but I had any kind of detachment, I could email her letting her know that my cell was being used as her primary contact and to see if she was ok.
But I would be hurt by my expectations.. so I say nothing. Once again I do nothing.
I just wish I could do loving actions to her because of who I AM vs. who I wish SHE WERE. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I just wish I was healthier. I don't know how to push myself any faster.. I think at this point, it will just happen within its own time.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
About a week and a half ago, I received a call from xw's car insurance company. They said it was in regards to a claim. I asked if it was in regards to my car as I was in a car accident last July (and everything we owned together got all messed up in the D) .. but he couldn't give me the info. So I just gave him her number. totally reasonable. What else could you done that makes sense?
Two days ago - I get a call from Enterprise about xw needing a rent-a-car. Again I give her cell number. same answer as above...OR WHAT? Call to verify she's alive? You know she is- since she's driving...
OR just let her know it might make better sense FOR HER (never mind you) to get a different point of contact b/c you two are not in much contact. No emotion need attach, just smart planning.
I'm not frustrated by my actions, I'm frustrated by my lack of detachment. I'm sure she's fine.. but I had any kind of detachment, I could email her letting her know that my cell was being used as her primary contact and to see if she was ok.
This^^ is true
But I would be hurt by my expectations.. so I say nothing. Once again I do nothing. Not clear on this. What is it that you fear would happen if you let her know about what we assume is an oversight on her end--i.e., that she left you as contact person? You think she'll believe you are reaching out & pursuing her? She won't, if you stick to business,& make it brief.
What could she say or do in response to your calm matter of fact message about it? To be kind, go ahead & make a brief comment --**Not a question expecting a reply, but a statement that you hope she's fine..
I'm getting fear from you but not sure what the target of said fear is...
maybe b/c I don't feel any clarity in whst your expectations are...but I also don't get what your expectations could be. HER misinterpreting?
I just wish I could do loving actions to her because of who I AM vs. who I wish SHE WERE. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I just wish I was healthier. I don't know how to push myself any faster.. I think at this point, it will just happen within its own time.
Not sure either...but I DO believe where the head goes, the heart can follow.
So tell yourself what you need to KNOW in your head, and try to let that permeate you. THINK IT, BELIEVE it, and then feel it, etc.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Val: I think we all got calls for our ex after they left. Especially when many of them never bothered to give out their new numbers. But even if they did - there are many that can be missed until something comes up.
I'm not sure what the problem is here. The calls obviously triggered something in you. The only reasonable thing to do was to give them her number and let it go.
Redirect your thoughts. I doubt there is anything else you can do right now.
You're both right. I did what I could. To be honest - ANY contact triggers me. Whether that's receiving wrong mail or seeing facebook comments to mutual friends. It all bothers me.. it all hurts me.
Intellectually I get that this will happen. Mixed up phone calls, mutual friends.. etc. It all makes sense. All part of the process.
But besides the "normal" hurt of going through a divorce - I also struggle with my abandonment issues.
I remember being 9 and my dad packing his bags... and saying "I love you, it's not you.. I promise I will be there for you" and then walk out the door and only think of himself.
My ex did the same thing and it just sukks. I understand that many WAS said this to their LBS on the board. I believed her and the fact she has stopped all contact feels like abandonment....
.... and I feel like I'm 9 again just hoping that something I DO or SAY will make her realize what a great person she walked away from. Or that maybe if I write my 100th nice email during this process, she will believe that I can get over this.. and respond with something other than a "thanks" or "got it".
.. and the list goes on. Lots of unhealthy thoughts.
Most of the time I'm fine. I don't just wake up and think these things. I don't stare at my phone and think of a reason to reach out to her. Most days - Out of sight, out of mind. But when she does come into sight.. thats when my internal battle begins... especially when its alot of instances in a short period of time.
And yes that frustrates me.. because my brain knows there's nothing I can do.. but my heart has these expectations all the same.
So that's why I do nothing...because ANY action outside of "business-like" with her is skewed with unhealthy motives..
... and there are days that it just bugs the crap out of me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Boy can I relate! This continued for me for a long, long time. The first time I saw him and her together just about killed me. Then we were all at a funeral home together with OW mocking me (imagine). I held my head up, said nothing, went home then CRIED for hours. And that was a couple of years after the split.
It takes time A LOT of time to get through this. But not responding IS the right thing to do. It helps you continue to detach.
It has been 11 years for me. We're at the point of minor texts regarding our son about once a month. Still bugs me to respond to him. He asked me to phone him in the summer - I'd have rather chewed worms. But I did it.
Just keep on doing what you are doing and don't be so hard on yourself. You're only human after all.
Thanks Barb. I'm really hard on myself. I do this to make sure I stay away from playing the "victim". Using the victim card to try to express my feelings was something that I did often in my life and in my marriage. Although my feelings were valid, i often kept in that state of mind. It made me extremely unhappy.
And I still fight it - especially during the holiday season. Now my 3rd Christmas season (1st-Bomb, 2nd - Separated, 3rd- Divorced) things are easier.. but it is definitely MY hardest time of the year.
It's my slow season at work and I turned down a 4 week job so I can spend the holiday season with my family. I know this is the right thing to do... not just for my mental health, but with my mom being sick - any holiday could be our last together.
But I'm delaying on buying my ticket home. I feel very indecisive..and am procrastinating on buying the ticket. I'm sure it has to do with the fact I haven't worked in a week or so, have no prospect of work and when I buy my ticket.. I am committing to pretty much not working this month - which will be a financial hit.
On top of the financial hit I am taking from my car going to sh!t. The savings are there - but if I'm honest - I'm a little freaked.
Which is some ways is silly. When the bomb hit I had yet to really be at a point in my career in which I could live on my own. At first, xw agreed to help me for a little bit whilst I got on my feet.. but that was short lived and - she started kicking me off of things, separating our accounts....
... and I never once went hungry. Never once wasn't able to pay my bills. I even made enough to go home last year for xmas, take my sister to Vegas, and plan a surprise visit to see my mom this past fall.
I need to stop freaking out. I'll be fine.. and if things get complicated - I'll figure it out.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Well.. I'm done stressing over it. I bought my ticket home. I'll be home for almost a month.
Now that I told my fear to shove it.. I feel so much better.
I'll go home and watch a bazillion Christmas movies with my mom. She started to watch them in July.. because Yes.. she owns that many.
I'm going to help my sister get her cleaning business off the ground. I may not be able to financial invest in it, but I'm d@mn good with accounting and contracts. I made myself a business as a filmmaker so there's gotta be something I can contribute. Plus I do know a thing or two about running a small company from my past life.
My nephew turns 16 and from what I'm hearing.. all my nieces and nephews are incahoots about what they are doing with their "Special Day w/Aunt Val" whilst I'm home.
And my fundraiser is up to 25 people strong. There are only 65 kids total that submitted a Christmas list. It will be an awesome day when my event covers every child. I don't know if it will be this year but I'm excited that it's more than last year!
This holiday season is going to be awesome. I'm gonna GAL the Sh!t outta it!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
