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That statement about sharing the load, hopefully was just not well thought out?

Think about it from the other side. You think there are single ladies out there hoping to find a man whose load they can help carry?

You might find them; they are not healthy people.

It sux and it is hard but you have no choice but to stand on your own two feet whether you end up with your spouse or end up looking for another one. Bring to the table a strong, happy, self sufficient guy.

I know I am not ready for a new r yet. And I should have been more specific in the when and why my w can still get to me. It is only when she talks about a d. It bothers me that she asking about logistics of it. It is like she wants my blessing, my support of it.

As far as the carrying the load comment, yes you both are right. I am not even close to being ready to date.

Thank you for your replies, another perspective helps so much.

Something that kind of struck me today, and may help for others, is that we want to reconcile with our spouses and we may get that chance. We have to be ready for a new R, but they have to be ready too.

We can be model DBers, but at the end of the day they still have issues to overcome before they are ready.

Things had been going pretty smoothly for myself and my w. In the last few days some tension has returned. I guess what I am trying to say is they need this time as much as we do. This all makes sense in my head, not sure it came out written as well.

Hi eyesopen!
Just stopping by to say hello! I totally agree. In order to have a new R, both of you need to change those old bad R habits.

However, I would like to believe that when W sees your changes, it will motivate change in her and/or it will allow you to express your wants/needs in a more receptive manner. kwim

I think you are absolutely correct. It goes right in line with not getting angry and not trying to make excuses when they try and pick a fight. It is amazing how fast or actions can promote a change, in the way of instantly diffusing anger. It goes right in line with trying to R, just on a much bigger scale, requiring much more time.

Hey all,

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my children and the possibility of them having another male and female influence in their lives. I know where I stand right know, and that is, that I would like to wait until they are at a point where they might understand what happened with their mother and I, or even until they can express to me that they would be okay with me dating. I know I have a ways to go before I am ready for new R, still hope it is with my w, although I don't know where my w is at.

It doesn't seem like she is persuing, or ready, for a new R either. But in the grand scheme I have no idea who she spends her free time with. I also know that it is her choice to introduce our children to someone else. I will do everything in my power to keep my children safe.

When I do get to that point of starting a R, I don't plan on introducing anyone to them until I am believe it will be a long term R. So, how do I express my concerns without it coming off as me trying to control what w does? Am I jumping the gun with this? I also don't want it to seem like a tactic. Me saying I am ready to move on, what are you going to do about it type of thing. My concern is for my children.

The detachment is just that...caring but not being on the same ride lol. Nice definition Ad!

Eyes...you are a control freak like me. "If they could just see what I am saying, feeling etc it would be okay". Once I really realized that I can't control anyone but me, I was able to be a little more at peace. It doesn't come easy though. If W knew what and how you felt and saw your side and said omg you are so right, well then you (all of us) wouldn't be here.

Sure they have responsibility in the breakdown, but you can't force anyone to look at it if they are not ready. You can't make anyone see your side either until they acknowledge their own part in things.

Keep the awesome DB up, I will take pointers from you lol! Mine is bad DBing lately....

Hey Eyes open I just caught up on your thread...holy cow! took me a while to follow up on everything...my D(11) asked me last night if I would see someone else would that put her on the back burner...I told her that she and her sister would always be the most important to me...from your threads it looks like you are doing some of the things wrong that I am doing...you are totally obsessed with her and not you and your kids....you are reacting to her every move...I do the same..

I was thinking of taking up the rock climbing thing..as well, am I too old at 42? ----it is a solo event though..what have you done to get out and meet other people? I am going to try to do some volunteer work..this week......good luck I will be watching. 180 means doing the opposite of what you normally would....I have not done that yet either...best of luck take care...

Backslide today, w stated that she was going to hire a lawyer to proceed, since she isn't sure that the financial aspect is fair. I asked if she was really set on a divorce.
And of course the answer was yes, nothing has changed, I still don't appreciate her.

How do you show a estranged spouse that you do appreciate everything they have done and continue to do for our children?

I was doing so well, and really feeling like I was letting her go. Now I am not so sure? I can't give up on family and a woman that I love. I thought I was figuring this out.

Okay, I screwed up, I am past it. Did it, can't change it.

Wondering why a big part of me believes she need to be divorced from me in order to find her happiness, but when she brings it up, I have the hardest time not reacting? It really is the only thing she talk about that I can't keep my mouth shut.

As far as her saying that I still don't appreciate her, it was a learning experience. I really must learn how to express my appreciation to everyone in my life.

I have to stay positive always, no one will bring me down.

And I have to let her go!