Due to the fact that CV's H has a CPAP, you're right, he's got breathing issues. My brother, too, suffers from sleep apnea. But, because I can't sleep, thought I'd type about my snoring a second. I suffer from migraines. 10 years ago, those migraines were far worse than they are now and doctors were looking for any reason why. My H mentioned to the neurologist that I started snoring and off I was shipped to a sleep study. I did not have apnea and there was no point in time that I ever stopped breathing. Now, I did "stir" over 600 times in the night (still not entirely clear what that means), but the snoring was not dangerous. I don't have a weight issue, but, unfortunately, it didn't ever stop. Now, between my H and the neurologist, they were able to pinpoint the general time I had started snoring. It was following a 15 day migraine. It was explained that migraines tend to occur in our sleep center and that migraine (as evidenced by several lesions in my brain), probably did some damage. So... my only hope in life is that it becomes an endearing quality... hahahaha And your point isn't lost, just looking for something to talk about.
I will leave the rest to CV.
FM, I'm real sorry that you are having a bad night. I hope that you feel better. I'm praying for you.
That IS a hoot! I don't follow horoscopes, because they usually are vague and would apply to anyone. But that's funny! Just remember that upheaval created some absolutely glorious mountain ranges, so it has potential for doing something really great in your life.
Did you sleep well at all? I went to bed right after 7th grade math homework, so I slept like a rock. LOL! Maybe that's a plan for next time when I can't sleep.
You're leaving tomorrow, right? Is your H being decent with you? I know you said he doesn't seem particularly bothered, but hopefully he's not being an arse on top of it. Anything fun you can do when you get home? Maybe drive by old neighborhoods, reminisce about fun times growing up? Connect with old friends?
He's not being mean. He typically isn't. We said goodbye this morning as he has decided to leave town. I'm just trying to finish packing what's most important and I will worry about the rest later. Got prescription refills to pick up and a couple of bills to pay and then I guess that's it. H texted a few times this morning. It ended with "u matter more than u know." I don't know. The words and the actions are just so opposed. My friend told me yesterday, though, that when his W left, he asked her to go earlier than she wanted to because he was just trying to get it over with. So, I guess I will try not to take it so personally. It's just me wanting more than I already know I can't have.
I haven't thought about what I will do when I get home. Mostly I can't think beyond the next moment. My brother is real sweet and said, "you will be surrounded by people who adore you." That was nice.
It's ironic, you know? He left the first time because he said he couldn't handle my depression and the fact that he felt he couldn't do anything right. I'm leaving because I can't handle the drinking. I was so angry and hurt when he left. How can you leave someone who is in need? Who clearly needs help? Comes back around, doesn't it?
H has mild sleep apnea. It wasn't bad enough for insurance to cover it so he bought the CPAP outright. He, too, stirs frequently, though I would call it more of a "jump," like when someone startles you. I can't imagine he gets a good night's sleep. He's always tired. He can't sit down to watch a movie without falling asleep, whether it's at home, at a friend's, or at the movie theater. He'll often be sitting on the couch with his laptap on his lap, snoring. Personally, if it was me, I would do something about it, but obviously I can't make him. He could lose some weight, should lose some weight because of his history of a heart attack. Again, I can't make him.
So FloydMan, I think I missed your suggestions/solutions. What do *I* do about his snoring keeping me awake? I'm not willing to sacrifice my own good night's sleep because of H's snoring, especially if he does little about it. My solution is to sleep in the other room. What do you suggest that *I* should do to address his desire for me to sleep in the BR with him, while he does little to address the fact that his snoring keeps me awake?
Also, what do *I* do about H's lying. We've done MC, throughout most of our M. Of course they all told him he shouldn't lie to me, explained what it does to our M. Of course he agreed with them and promised to never do it again. He seems to have zero impulse control, so he does something without thinking about the consequences at all, then realizes ATF what he's done and hides it by lying. So, from my side of things, what is the solution?
I've read and learned about the conflict-avoidance personality type. I understand that he's instantly overwhelmed. I understand that biological changes occur. I understand that it likely comes from him absolutely never witnessing his parents argue, or at least that's what he tells me is the reason. I've addressed it by not initiating any conversation. He asked this morning what I'm doing online so much. I told him just reading and posting, just having some online conversations, since he doesn't want to. He said he missed our conversations, and when I clarified, he corrected himself and said, "Well, not those." Everything else we talk about I let him initiate and drive. It's all very superficial, very factual, nothing personal or deep. So I don't know what he's missing since he's in control of what that is.
I feel like the dog, rather than the master, because he doesn't follow me around, while I do my things. He expects me to follow him around while he does his things. Regardless, neither of us are dogs, and the R shouldn't look like it from either perspective.
Yes, we can sit in the same room together. We did last night. I noticed this a week or so ago, and again last night. H was on his laptap with his headphones, I was on mine with headphones to the tv, and S12 was doing his homework with headphones for his music. I don't find any value in that. But I believe I understand that that's good for H, because "I'm there." From my perspective, I get the same benefit from sitting at Starbuck's with a bunch of strangers, except they serve much better drinks there. I don't value the time, I don't value the (lack of) interaction, I don't value his sitting on the couch in his own world. Yet this is what he initiates, because he is content with it. I'm not. So under these terms, where I can't initiate any sort of conversation with him, or anything that might be construed as conflict or confrontation, how do I connect? What is the solution from *my* side of things?
LIS, you can only help someone that wants to be helped. He has to be willing.
Perhaps it's best that he's going to be gone. I'm not sure how to interpret his actions. I know with my H, he would know just the right things to say to manipulate me into doing what he wanted. But then he wouldn't follow-up with anything he promised, of course. I'm not saying your H is lying, or manipulating you, but I agree that the actions weigh more than the words, especially after a long time of nothing but lip service.
I was asking about what you were going to do when you get back home just to give you something else to think about. ((LIS))
Oh, I did initiate one topic with H this morning, and that was about S12's schooling for next year. H wants to send S12 to a nearby school with an intense focus on personal responsibility. It has a 4-day week, meaning S12 would be off on Friday to self-study and catch up on homework and projects. He also talks about me getting a job outside of the house -- now. So I asked him what his plan was, if I get different job, for S12 on Fridays. His response, "I don't know."
So this frustrates the cr@p out of me. He has expressed his desire/expectation for both. He has not thought about it beyond that. Normally, I would have expressed my frustration and confronted him about making a plan, laying out all the issues to get an answer from him, etc. I didn't, I just said, "Oh, okay."
This *really* doesn't work for me. I would rather be single if I'm going to have to parent alone anyway. Then I don't have to try to factor in his preferences.
Yeah, I know what you meant. I guess I don't have plans beyond today. I feel like a child, but just trying to baby step my way through the day. Anyway, got my prescriptions, paid the bills, and finishing up his laundry (he really doesn't know how to turn the washer on). I'm mostly packed, but I keep remembering things here and there. I am very lucky as my family and the friends I've talked to are all kind of walking me through it. I've gotten encouraging messages through the day and I don't know, I've had a moment of peace knowing I have people who care.
Out of curiosity, CV, and I know it is not your point, but why does he want you to go back to work? These are the things that we do need to figure out a way to let go. I would go crazy too, but there's no point. It's his idea and he needs to work it out. Was he meaning for you to get a part time job?
I'm sure you'll have more times of peace, as well as tough times too, unfortunately. But the good times get better and longer with time. I'm so glad you have family that cares that is supporting you.
H wants me to go back to work for the money. His income just barely covers expenses, not really, not for anything unexpected. I used to work full-time and made significantly more than him. My job has been work-from-home for the last 14 years, but it's winding down so I'm not contributing much now. He didn't hesitate to spend "our" money the years I was pulling it in, so I'm sure he's missing it.
And your point isn't lost, just looking for something to talk about.