Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse ILYBINILWY

LIS, I have some questions for you, if you don't mind?

You said it hurt deeply when your H left. You also said it hurts even more now that you are the one leaving.

Why do you think that is? What part of it hurts more?
Do you have different feeling this time? Eg guilt ect

I'm just trying to figure out the WAS POV in actually leaving.

I don't mind SS... it distracts me.

Yeah, I have a lot of guilt. That's probably most accurate. When someone is sick, you don't leave them. I don't blame my H (most of the time) for his alcoholism, I want to help him. But everyone keeps telling me that I'm enabling him.

ALSO, I can't help but feeling that I have no shot at a life I find healthy while I stay in this situation. And that sounds pretty selfish. And that makes me feel guilty.

And then there's my religious beliefs. My first divorce was far easier because I was not a believer. I feel like I am going against God's will and my vows, which I am. There's no way around that.

Finally, I'm leaving my home. I didn't the first time, he did. And that rattles me.

LIS, just remember, the unknown is not necessarily bad. Perhaps the abyss in not an abyss afterall. Perhaps it's a glorious view of the horizon, but you just can't see it yet because of the fog.

I get the conflict with the guilt and the Christian beliefs and the vows. It would be easy to leave if the reasons to stay weren't so complex. This still might be the best thing for both your H and yourself. Maybe it's time to hand it over to God, if you can. You KNOW He has your back.

LIS, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. It sounds like you have openly and actively tried.
I can see now probably twice where my H may have tried but he was unclear and came in attacking. I tried and tried to talk to him but he just didn't want to hear it. He expected me to be a mind reader. He thought our problems could be solved by pushing them under the rug.

Had he openly and clearly tried to save our marriage, well I think I would feel a whole lot different about it. I doubt we would even be here now.

You and CV have clearly voiced your concerns and shown just how much it affects you. There comes a time where you have to do what you have to do.

I have much more respect for the WAS who actively and clearly tries to fix their marriage instead of just running.

SS, I might just try the CPAP. I look at it and think I would love the air movement it creates. I'm not sure how I would like the mask though, but I understand there are a number of options.

I understand that H may find the CPAP uncomfortable. And I find his snoring uncomfortable. Either he's waking up from his CPAP, or I'm waking up from his snoring. He has tried a few other alternatives, like the breathe-rights strips, but he didn't like them either. Oh, and earplugs give me a headache from the pressure in my ears and I feel insecure not being able to hear other sounds. Personally, I need a good night's sleep more than I need to sleep in the same bed as my H. So what's the solution? (FloydMan, you could jump in here if you have a suggestion.)

Regarding his kids, I understand everything you're saying. All of that is true for HIM. But it doesn't change the fact that his children are not my children and he can't expect me to act like they are. I might accommodate S22's schedule in a similar snafu, but I wouldn't impose my choice on anyone else.

Step-parenting is very hard. Given the choice, I would not do it again.

FloydMan, from what I've read, conflict-avoidance is never a good thing. It's not a matter of whether I want him to agree or not agree, but his non-committal response doesn't tell me one way or the other. If H says he would like to have sex tonight, and I say, "I understand," is that an appropriate response? Like his is supposed to be for me? If so, then there's at least one solution I can apply! With that, I've completely avoided any conflict, any further discussion, AND, I don't have to have sex. Of course, there's no way for H to know if we're on or not, so I guess he just has to wait up and find out.

FM, you say I'm not wanting solutions. Pick a problem and give me a solution. Let's use his lying as an example. What is the solution, knowing he's not likely to stop, that I can apply and still call it a healthy M?

Whether my W or I emotionally left the M first, I am the one that left the house. Hardest thing I ever did, leaving the kids. I could not take them, it would have been wrong.

I do not tolerate anyone putting down my W or validating my choice to leave. I gave up. Period. It has nothing to do with that my W won't try or do.

If one needs to rationalize or justify not trying, giving up, moving on, or what have you, by pointing the finger at someone else.

There are four fingers pointing back at us.

At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own actions.

CV, if you are reacting to your H's actions or non-actions, then you give your H more power over you than he truly has.

Be done and move on (or settle) or not. I understand you may really be trying to figure out how to make things better. But when every conclusion comes back to him doing or not doing something or another that upsets you, you hand "control" over to him.

How ever that looks, take back your power and be responsible (own) that which is yours. Your actions or non-actions.

KD, your post seems rather inappropriate. LIS is dealing with an alcoholic, cheating WAS, and has been for some time. (Sorry LIS, I know you still love him anyway.) She's struggling enough with the decision she feels she has to make. I don't think she needs to have more guilt piled on top of what she's already dealing with.

CV, a spade is a spade.

I am responsible for abandoning my kids. Period.

I made my choice to leave the house and my M. Period.

What ever my W did or did not do, is not a justification.

And if you can't answer the direct questions that I've asked you in the past, then I'd prefer that you bow out of my thread. I'm feeling a little too beat up by your posts myself. I'm going to assume you're only trying to help, but it isn't working.