Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Walking the path to my own happiness

Hi Regretful, you sound like you are in a good place. I agree that sometimes some people come into our lives for certain reasons. I have thought about that with regards to my H...maybe we were just meant to have our kids together and thats it. Its a different perspective for sure.

I don't know yet if I fully believe that, but I do know we were meant to have kids together. The rest? I am not sure yet.

I have had moments of feeling like I am on the outside looking in too. And when I do, I would much rather stay on the outside given the way things are right NOW!

I love your thread title Regretful. It is our own path to happiness indeed.

((((( )))))

You know, it would be great if we had a section on the forum called "Detachment". It's such a difficult concept to get but so necessary for our success. I've been looking for a new home on these boards but none of the other sections seem to fit my sitch really...

I woke up this morning thinking about happiness. I wasn't feeling happy per se, just thinking about the concept. It's different from joy, which I think comes in bursts - something funny on TV, the kids clowning around, a baby, whatever. But I think everyone has a low-level hum, or a background light going on in their head at all times. I want mine to be bright and shiny, white and luminescent, supportive, positive. I have been walking around with a dull grey hue in my brain for years and it felt like an anchor. Like there was a layer of grime on me that I needed to shake off. At times it was more than grey, it was black, and I need to turn it back to white now. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. Sometimes when I used to meditate I would "breathe out black smoke, breathe in white air."

So, my H and I are not speaking much now. It's very sad. The one thing that lets me be ok with it is that it's pretty much the DB ideal: no contact. So I haven't pushed it or tried; I have decided to let that be what it is for the time being. Bills, boys, logistics and that's about it.

Hooray, the bookshelves for my den arrived today! Now the room ("my room") is starting to look somewhat respectable! There's a long way to go but I made a lot of progress today.

H had very strange behavior around this. First of all, he conveniently "forgot" to tell me that they called this morning and rescheduled the delivery to today - until about 5 minutes before the delivery actually arrived. We had to clear out the room so we had room for the new furniture, but we managed to get that done without too much delay.

Secondly - and this was really weird - while the guys were bringing the bookshelves up the stairs, H went into the bedroom (across the hall) and closed the door, as if he wanted no part of any of it.

When he finally came out, he asked me how much it cost and then said "you get what you pay for." He was insinuating that it wasn't high quality enough. Whatever, it's all solid wood. I also got a nice media stand for our TV - it had been resting on a wire shelf - now THAT was junky!

As the day went on, H warmed up to it all. He couldn't exactly bring himself to say or admit that it looked good or that it was going to make a big difference or (God forbid) HELP me organize any of it (though he did attach the bookcases to the wall for me) but by the end of the day he had relented on "junky" and was saying we should get something similar for the living room. When I told him there might be another option, something we haven't thought of, he actually agreed and said I could bring a decorator in.

I am happy - not just because we now have something decent in here, but because I made the purchase "all by myself."

H just came home for the evening. First thing he did was walk into the den to "check it out" and he said "It does look a lot better in here." (still no "great job" or anything but I'll take what I can get).

It probably took a lot for him to say that. Pathetic, I know, but necessary to keep up his guarded detachment. At the same time, he couldn't stay completely away because it is cool and awesome-looking, and a hint at what he will be missing. He's also probably struggling with the fact that you did it yourself and did it well and it evidences that you really don't need him that much. Ouch!

Well done, BTW!

Sounds really good, Regretful.

Your H is obviously sensitive to his environment and appreciates it when it's to his taste. My H is pretty oblivious to his environment but it would give me lots of pleasure if he cared and did something about his study for example. I love it when D15 tidies her stuff and makes her room appealing. I love my brother's place. He puts lots of thought into his house and I find it really inspiring.

In this case, improving the den achieves two things: you're focusing on what makes you happy and it pleases your H at the same time. Keep doing this. Whatever the ultimate M outcome, it sounds really positive.

Has he noticed or remarked on you taking off your ring?

Glad you got the bookshelves done! Honestly, I was thinking a while back, if you're just not willing to force the issue on the MBR, I'd make that den into whatever you need to in order to feel comfortable. If you need a real bed in there, get it. Want to put up sunflower curtains, do it. If blue walls make you feel at peace, paint it! Make the absolute best out of the situation you can until you're ready to change it.

Thanks for the support guys! I do feel better being in a room that's less chaotic, though it's a far way from done at the moment. Part of the problem for me was (and will always be in this M) that if I want something done, I have to do it myself. It was not that hard to go out and get the bookshelves, but it did cost $ which was a very limited resource until just recently (H got some nice commission). There comes a point where sanity takes priority, though, and I was getting to the point of insane!

I didn't give him a chance to say anything about the ring because I waved my hand in his face during our last dust up. But I'm sure he's noticed my change in attitude, and seems to be reacting to it somewhat... he's been more open with me, though still being a complete turd on the whole. And you know what? I'm really caring less and less about that.

Here's a nice thought for everyone's Sunday:

How do you know when you don't need people? When they're not in your life. How do you know when you do need them? When they are in your life. You can't control the comings and goings of the people you care for. What you can do is have a good life whether they come or go. You can invite them, and they come or not, and whatever the result is, that's what you need. Reality is the proof of it. - Byron Katie

More progress on the den yesterday. We moved the old bookcase into the master bedroom. H helped with that and also made the meals yesterday while I focused on chores. For the first time he spent time in the den watching TV instead of his bed.

My father invited me, H and the boys to join him and his wife for dinner tonight. H snottily declined. H said that if the boys decided to sleep over at their grandparents, then he would go to a NYE party that we were invited to. I told H to go to the party regardless; I would not be joining him.

Fact is, I've gone to that party 2 or 3 times, and I never have much fun. I don't know anyone there, and without H to rely on, I can't imagine having much of a good time. H and I went to a party "together" prior to Xmas with a lot of people I knew, and it was still an icky feeling being there within his presence.

So tonight, I'll be home in my PJs and may not even make it to midnight, but I'm perfectly fine with that. Plenty of GAL in my life these days. I've been seeing lots close friends over the holidays and last night I went to a comedy club and wasn't home until 1 am.

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year. 2013 is going to be a fresh start for all of us. I've never been happier to put a year behind me!