Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Sexless marriage. H Left. Now retrouvaille in 3wks

Yes I am 100% committed. I know the reason why intimacy left the marriage.


No I haven't. I really wouldn't know where to start. As mentioned he wants nothing to do with me in an intimate way and i feel that anything i do looks dsperate which will push him away more.



Ok

I can't believe how stressful and the mind games this whole situation is. H keeps telling me how he wants this work but shows me little on how it will work. For example he has been out the last 2 night at work late then out having drinks and also plans on going out tomorrow again.
How are we suppose to get anywhere when we never spend time together? This was one if the major contributors to our fights in the past and now he's repeating it again. The fact that he works so much, then goes out for drinks and spends little time with me hurts a lot. This behaviour of his started when he moved back here. While he was living out he never went out.

"I can't believe how stressful and the mind games this whole situation is."

You have to STOP portraying his actions as mind games. They are very real to him and he can't see a way out of it.

"H keeps telling me how he wants this work but shows me little on how it will work."

Because he doesn't know HOW. But you can guide him to the right direction.

"For example he has been out the last 2 night at work late then out having drinks and also plans on going out tomorrow again."

Have you ever thought of joining him?

"How are we suppose to get anywhere when we never spend time together?"

Right now that's his way of dealing with things. You can slowly entice him back. Maybe have a drink with him at home when he's not going out, then see where it goes from there. He needs to feel comfortable enough to be who he wants to be.

I have not joined H when he's out as e goes out after work with work people.

Tonight we went or dinner alone. This is the first night in 4 mts tat we have been alone. It was a quiet dinner. Just talked about everyday stuff.

When we got home tonight h told me that he has to be honest with me and said he can't see how this can work. There has even too much damage done to him from all my rejection over the years that he just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't think he ever can Again in an intimate way.

He felt forced to move back in and all it's doing is makng him depressed. He said he wants to leave again, but doesn't want to hurt the girls. I told him he had to do what he felt was the right thing to do.

Maybe there is too much pain in him to ever recover. I don't know. I am really starting to doubt retrouvaille and everything else. So sad.

He also told me the reason it can't work is because he doesnt want it to. He was only trying because of the kids. If we didn't have kids he wouldnt even be trying. He said he's living in fear right now that the kids will be hurt by this and that will make him unhappy.

Anyone have experience where they went I retrovaille but only one spouse wanted it to work?

Yes. There actually has been a large number of people to whom that happened to. I believe they all reconciled except one. And in that one, the H really wanted out no matter what.

Yes, I understand that it is often the case where one spouse is not interested in the M but go top Retrouvaille and it is pretty successful. However, I think Retrouvaille insists there are no 3rd parties involved (no current A going on). They may even call to confirm this is the case.

I keep hearing how retrouvaille talks about what it was like when you first got married. To rediscover. Well our sex life wasn't great then either and he feels we never had a good relationship. He said we got married because it seemed like the right thing to do as we had been dating for 4 years prior. We have no foundation to build on, how can we make it?

H just told me that he is going back to a therapist that he use to see. We saw this therapist individually several times, but I stopped seeing him because we didn't have the same goals. My goal was to wok on the marriage and the therapist goal was to make us happy as individuals and hopefully that would intern marketers marriage work.

H stopped seeing him too because he dint feel he was getting anything out if it, but I guess his mind has changed. I asked him by he's going he said I need answers. I am confused.

Your post sound eerily familiar. Your h words sound like my h words. They make some sense and have some validatity so you buy the whole bag.

Some of what your h is saying may be true but some of what he is saying is not. He really needs to defend his position that in order to be happy he needs to leave you and the kids so he will rewrite history.

You need to keep your side of the street clean. You need to be the best AM you can be right now. By some a new outfit get your hair done. Look good and feel good. Sign up for some lessons. Take care of yourself.

There is hope

Check out the Laura Munson book this isn't the season you think it is