Something has struck me in the last year down this path, though, as it relates to who cares the least. I never ever want to win that game again. I want to care the most. I want to be a good person. I want to feel vulnerability. It stinks sometimes because it hurts. But the upside is a whole different kind of joy.
I'm not trying to preach to you either. I hope we can both just chat this out, pick what we want and throw away the rest. Some of my questions for you are as much for my own understanding. I hope you don't take offense.
I get the "wanting to be a caring person" thing. It's just who you are and you hate to have to change who you are because someone else is being disrespectful to you. I guess the only thing I would caution is that I hope you don't forget to care about yourself first. As a Christian myself, I've really struggled with the concept of service and sacrifice, and virtually killing myself in the process, thinking it was what I was supposed to do. But I'm not sure that's what God ever intended. And sometimes there is a need for us to show tough love to the people we car for.
Thanks for the honest update. I wouldn't have interpreted your lack of information as lying. It's a public forum and it's not necessary that you expose every aspect of your dirty laundry, only what you need to. It's all a journey and we get where we need to via different routes.
Oh I appreciate the questions, CV. I probably need a little preaching to. But I needed to be ready to hear it.
Oh not talking here is one thing. Not talking to those who cared enough to ask outside of a public forum is a whole other.
Funny you should mention the Christianity. I also joined a website that was Christian based. Save your M at all costs because this is what God commands of us. It has caused it's own confusion.
I have plenty of selfish behaviors still, CV. I'm no saint. But I hear you about taking care of myself. I have to get honest with myself. For so long I'd tell you how every R in my life was marked by being the one who cared the least. But my H broke me and I had to be real honest about who I was and what I wanted. I want someone who will chase me down... who will take the time to get me to open up because it is still so very very difficult for me. My best friend this week explained that I have an issue with that, which I always knew. It was explained to me how I ruin a lot of R's because of my inability to communicate authentically. And all of that is true. But I can't say I've picked anyone who cared enough to try all that much. I mean my H is perfectly willing to stay silent.
That is a tough one. If you have people that you know that care, and you're not opening up to them, it does hinder their ability to help. Do you know what help you were looking for? Or did you maybe feel like you didn't need help? I relate it to going to the doctor but not telling him where it hurts, vs. not going to the doctor at all.
Are you saying that you were the one that cared the least, in reference to the other R's you mentioned?
Oh yeah, I didn't think I needed help. I'm a funny one. It takes awhile for me to build trust, no doubt, but I do. And I share and open up. But something happens to me... I just pull back. I've consistently picked people that allow me to do that. My H was an awesome guy, did the chasing and stuff. But everyone is different at the beginning. He definitely had a selfish streak that was clear from the beginning. Ultimately, he "allowed" me to fester in my dysfunction. His fault? God no. Not what I'm saying. My dysfunction is MY problem. But, there are people who can make you better than who you are and those that don't. I don't think I ultimately wanted to be challenged.
Oh yeah... I cared the least and that was just awesome. I mean I won, didn't I??? And man, for most of our R, I cared the least (still waiting for the prize I get). BTW, that's what led to the initial downfall of my R with my H. He didn't feel loved and felt that I criticized him constantly. He felt that he couldn't do anything right. And boy, when I realized he was right, it hurt to the core. I never want to hurt anyone like that again.
So tell me CV, do you feel frustrated by your situation?
Frustrated? I don't know. I don't think that's the word I would use to describe it. Perhaps just sad. I see that we could have had things so good, but it just fell apart. I read about people that are dealing with illness and job loss and family problems and issues with kids and car accidents, and the toll that the stress takes on themselves and their M. We don't have any of that, thank God. I said for years that if we ever had a real problem to deal with, it would be over for us. We have zero ability to work things out in a healthy way.
I used to be very frustrated, because we would invest tons of time and money into counselors. I would walk away trusting that I could count on what we agreed to, then H would go off and do his own thing, claiming "stupidity" again. Or that he forgot. Or that it was somehow different than what we agreed to. Or that he simply changed his mind, without informing me. I was frequently being blindsided.
So that frustration, along with trying to figure out how to create a healthy M (granted, by my definition) when only one person was trying was difficult. But with my acceptance that H is not likely to change, and that I simply can't do it myself, I've been able to gain some peace. Revisiting it is more frustrating than anything.
I'm curious, do you feel like your H has the ability to help you? It seems like he might have too big of problems of his own to have anything left over to try to help you with yours. Also, if your response is to clam up, what would someone do to "chase" you?
Wow, LIS, just read on your thread in March, Ironman suggested that you needed "to start looking at this as if you're married to an alcoholic." How insightful, since you said you never mentioned that he was one and I haven't seen much mention of his drinking. It's not something I have any experience with, just the opposite, actually. Have you sought any assistance from alanon-type groups? I don't mean to be insulting, it's all I've got in this area. I just understand it to be something that someone like me can't begin to understand, and that it really helps to have people that do.
Okay, just finished your threads. I'll confess to only reading your posts, not the responses, so it's not like I'm a speed-reader. I can see where you ended posting, and I think I understand. I won't try to put it to words, just that I feel like I've BTDT and can completely relate.
But that was some time ago. There's obviously a lot missing in-between. I hate to think you've been riding the same roller-coaster this whole time. If so, it's no wonder why you sound so confused. Throw on top of that the fact that your H is an alcoholic, I must say I can't even imagine. You are one strong cookie! So don't ever cut yourself short in that department.
I wish we could meet for appetizers and a margarita, but I think the commute between MO and TN might be a bit far.
LOL! There was no shortage of insightfulness on my thread. Still fighting with some of those people today... hahahahaha
So you sound pretty much resigned that you did all you could do (and I'm not challenging it just making sure I understand). So comes the "grief." Is that correct?
You said, "trying to figure out how to create a healthy M." Does that mean you still have hope?
I'm able to put my finger on the number 1 problem we have right now. Obviously, it takes take a brain surgeon to figure it out, just took me a long time. What would you say is your number 1 issue?
How does one chase me? I guess I hadn't considered that. What an awesome question. I'm not sure. I guess one that is willing to ask more questions and who is not happy in the shallowness. One who is willing to challenge me. I can be a bit scary (believe it or not) and quite unreasonable. I'm especially troublesome when someone hits a chord with me.
Don't worry about qualifying your questions CV. I'm pretty much on my knees now so I'm not sure I can be insulted. I am in therapy and did one al anon session. Incidentally, might be helpful to say that my father is a recovered alcoholic. My stepfather who I lived with most of my life until 16 was an alcoholic. While it all sounds a bit cliche, my H is a different kind of alcoholic as he is a functional one unlike my father and stepfather. For a long time I confused him with being a party guy.
