Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Does this sound like a MLC or am I just in a SSM?

Thanks AnotherStander for your wise words. I am so unsure of what is really going on here, if anything ...let me explain. I am sure this is a low sex relationship, but that might be all that is going on.

Sex: We never found great contraception and my H was desperate not to have another child. He works very hard, long hours, little sleep, BP medication and said if he had to give up sex or holidays for ever he would give up sex and he would rather spend the time with the family and learning the guitar than having an affair and I believe him completely. When I initiate sex he responds about 50% of the time and this has been the pattern for years. I really don't think he is indulging in porn or a PA. I think he may just be a man with a lower sex drive made lower by habit.. I have now sorted out contraception and since all this have become much more interested in intimacy. But if I am detaching a little, and I have stopped initiating physical contact should I initiate sex? I have a naive idea that if we got this sorted out the rest would follow. I really never think he would leave me and the family. (famous last words!)

He has always claimed that sex never entered his head with this relationship with his co-worker-she was just lively and friendly and I think he liked having a group of young friends. I don't understand this, everyone tells me it is all about sex, but I believe HIM. I am worried that by stopping him seeing and texting his young co-worker(s) I have damaged OUR relationship.

So current plan is to continue being the wife than no man would leave; But GAL, stop being physically demonstrative/clingy unless he initiates; don't question his choice of friends (although I think he has now stopped seeing or texting anyone younger than 40!). I will initiate sex in a friendly way, but be prepared to take 'No" for an answer.

Do you have any way to meet with his co-worker or work/younger friends, like going for a drink with them when he goes? My point here is to move this kind of relationship into an open, so it stops being mysterious and exciting to some degree.
Something I learnt from reading multiple relationship books for past 6 months. In long term marriages, the attraction slowly weakens, everyday life gets in the way… This affect the sex drive big time... Why do you think WAS say these words “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”? They think you are familiar and predictable and not exciting anymore. Luckily, you are not in this situation, so you still have to time to do take some steps to have your H attracted you again. Can you think of something that attracted your H to you 23 years ago?

Thank you BrightFuture, so much of what you say rings true. I will take your advice on both those points and let you know how I get on. I hope that your own situation is improving even if just baby steps. Keep us all posted

I feel so unsure of what to do. My husband is affectionate, does things around the house, we get on really really well but he never ever touches me. Occasionally a light touch on the shoulder or knee but never a hug or anything more. Is this normal as you grow old together? Is this why all my middle aged friends either have dogs, lovers or are getting divorced? Should I just keep going, will this ever change? I am not sure I can spend the next 50 years with no physical touch. I can't remember if this predates the ?EA or whether it is a result of it. Even SI is mechanical and does not involve any hugs or cuddles. I get a kiss every am and evening initiated by him but the child in me wants to stop this.....I won't!!

I just bought 'His needs, Her needs" and the "Five Love Languages" and will read these and continue with my original plan.....GAL, the kind of wife no one would want to leave (but every H would want to hug!!).

I would not consider it normal when you don’t have physical interaction with your husband, I mean hugs, kisses, etc. Even my H until he gave me the “not in love with you” speech was still hugging and kissing me when he or I left for work, or came home after work. How long has it been happening with your H? You are right to sound an alarm here. During the last 6 months I’ve read so many different books and articles about relationship and marriage. I like “Have The Relationship You Want” and few others. I’m not sure if I can make the references on this blog though.

Thanks Bright future. I really can't remember how long it has been going on. He still kisses me before going to work and when he gets back and at night but only very rarely hugs. He hugged me in October when we returned from a weekend away. He had been strange all weekend, and then greatly improved when we got back into mobile phone zone! I think he had a few texts from the woman he was having a ?EA with. He also gave me a very affectionate hug on Dec 12 th having taken her out for a secret drink! On new years day I asked him for a hug but have not done that again!

I am not sure if this all stopped when he started his ?EA or when i confronted him about it or whether it has never been a big deal to him (or obviously to me) to show physical affection. I am a very huggy person so I would probably have initiated all our hugs before. I just had a shock last week when he recoiled as I tried to hug him and I have not tried again. We haven't touched since then! (Kisses -little pecks on lips but no touch).

I have enjoyed the five love languages and realise that he shows affection in other ways but perhaps not so frequent; he used to buy flowers a lot but now just on my birthday and was very keen to tell me then that our D had bought them.

He does takes time to help at home with chores, is a fabulous father, and makes a special effort to talk to me about my day but things are definitely different over the last 9 months. I don't think he sees, speaks or texts his younger co-worker anymore, but of course they still work together so I am a bit confused. He meets so many of my other emotional needs, just falling short on physical affection and complements.

There is also a lot of day to day variablility....I still wonder if this is MLC/ depression/ stress or just the natural fluctuation in a marriage in which the husband, perhaps due to low testosterone and medication, is just not that interested in sex and was never that physically affectionate.

i also wonder if he is really angry with me for stopping him meeting younger co-workers for drinks and dinner. Not sure how to correct this other than to talk to him about it....and not sure if that is a good idea!!

I would say he might be uncomfortable. Even he told you that there is nothing going on and they are just co-workers and friends, he still feels that is not completely honest. I think talking to him will not change anything, but will make him angry. I’m not sure what you can do here… I was kind of in the same situation and did everything wrong – confronting and being upset about it. I think the best thing you can do is practicing DB and be the best you can be for yourself, appreciate yourself and be confident. I like the phrase I read somewhere that goes like this: In a relationship, what you resist - persists”.

That could very well be the case. Is he overweight? Diabetic or borderline? Tired all the time? These plus low sex drive are all signs of a low testosterone count. Many men just chalk these things up to getting older when in fact it's an easily curable medical condition. If he has these symptoms then you should urge him to get his blood tested.



Michele talks about this a bit in DR, basically she says if it's not harming you emotionally then go for it. Sex creates a bond between people like nothing else, so she's all for continuing sex in a troubled marriage because it can help bring the two closer together.



You could very well be right. He may have a feeling that "something" is wrong, and not even realize himself that the "something" is the missing sex life.



As a man your H's age who has quite a few male friends in the same age bracket, I don't believe him. Some of my friends are serious players, they don't get chummy with young women for the great conversation I can assure you.



This is a boundary you'll have to set at some point, because it is very damaging for your M. As I said before, an EA is just as bad as a PA. But you can't broach that subject until you're sure he's fully on board with reconciling.